DS’s friend – would this bother you?

[dima201069]

DS (8) has a friend from school, let’s call him Tom. He’s a nice enough lad, but some things about him (or rather his parents) are starting to niggle at me, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just a bit PFB about it.

Tom’s been coming round quite a bit after school, which is fine, but he never seems to have had any actual dinner before he gets here – always says he’s ‘starving’ and hoovers up anything I put in front of him. I don’t mind giving him a snack, but the other day he asked if we had “anything more filling” after he’d already had toast and fruit. I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

He’s also started asking if he can stay later and later – last week he was here till nearly 8 before I had to text his mum asking if she was picking him up. She replied, “Oh, is he still there? Sorry, lost track of time!” This has happened more than once. I don’t mind DS having friends over, but I don’t want to be running a free after-school club!

Other minor things – he’s a bit cheeky (but not outright rude), leaves a mess without thinking, and once when I was making tea for DS and DD, he asked if he could have some too! I feel bad because he’s only a kid, and DS really likes him, but I can’t shake the feeling his parents are taking the piss a bit.

WIBU to start setting some firmer boundaries? And how would you handle it without making things awkward for DS?

My eldest son had a friend who's parents were always in the pub, there was often no food in the house and he often couldn't get into the house after school. He spent a lot of time at our house and I never begrudged feeding him.

I think you set the boundaries in your own house. If you want to say no you can't come in today, that's fine. If you want to tell him it's time to go home now, that's fine too. I would be happy to feed him tea if he's there when you're making it but again that's up to you.

If you think he's being neglected, you could raise it to the teacher and let them drive anything else forward.
As @username299 has said, it's your house, so you get to decide what happens.

You should let your DS know that Tom isn't allowed to come to your house every day, so that he isn't disappointed (if he might be otherwise).
Then you must tell Tom something like "Oh, Tom, it's a pity your mum/dad didn't check with us beforehand but you can't come today. You'll have to go home now."

I'd also possibly mention to his parent(s) that you're no longer going to be able to have Tom over as regularly and they need to check with you at least the day or two before to see if you can have Tom over but he is not to show up every day after school any more.

You just need to know what your boundaries are and then enforce them.

We have dinner at 6pm and I'd expect playdates to be over by then.

However, if a child stayed later then I would feed them too.

Just send him home once it's dinner time or feed him.

I have wondered that, tbh. He always seems hungry, but I don’t know if it’s actual neglect or just that his family eat at different times. I don’t mind giving him the odd snack, but I don’t want to end up being responsible for feeding him all the time. I feel bad turning him away when he’s clearly hungry, though. Not really sure what the best approach is.

Obviously a latch-key kid, awful that his mum had no idea where he was. I had a similar situation with a friend when my dc were younger, her dd was at my house after school a lot. My dd's loved having their friend there to play with, though. I look back now and find it very difficult to understand why my friend would not want to spend that precious time with her dd after school. Her dd is now an adult and remembers how often she was palmed off onto other people (another friend did the school runs for her) and has told her mum that she was wrong to have done this and should have spent time with her after school etc..

Difficult to understand people who just can't be bothered to keep track of or look after their own dc.

This. My sister had a childhood friend who would always aim to land at our house around mealtimes because they weren't being fed at home.

He's 8 so still young and I'm surprised that he just turns up at your house on his own. My ds js also 8 and all play dates or what you want to call it is still arranged by parents. No one just turns up as that is quite rude. I think you need to send a message to the mum and also start being less available so that these play dates are more arranged rather than pitching up unannounced.

We are a busy household and I would be very irritated at a child just turning up or having to now make another portion of a meal without prior arrangement. Thankfully no one around here does that.

Raise it with the mum and if you feel he's really been neglected then with the school. He may not be though. Ds had a friend over who asked for second rounds of a pretty good meal and I was really shocked. He also hoovered down any snacks I offered. I know the mum well and he's definitely not neglected. He just had a much bigger appetite.

He obviously finds comfort in your home . I know its annoying and you feel you are being used by the mum but please let him come i would not turn him away unless your son does not enjoy the friendship . Funny how things have changed really this was completely normal when i was growing up . He is very young though my son is 7 i cant imagine not knowing where he is a year from
Now

He's a little boy, it's not his fault he's hungry. He likely sees your home as a lovely place to be, which says a lots about what he's going back to. Unless financially you can't afford the extra food, just do him dinner and make him feel welcome, it could mean so much to him. Even if his parents are taking the piss, if you're helping a little boy does it really matter?

I feed any child who is in my home for what ever reason, but I also treat them as one of my own, so they have the same snacks, dinner, treats and rules as my kids and get told off if they don't follow them once asked or explained what's expected.

Yes, it’s really sad. I get that some parents have long work hours or other things going on, but not even knowing where your child is for hours on end is a bit shocking. I don’t mind DS having friends over, but I don’t want to be the default childcare because his parents aren’t keeping track.

I do wonder how he’ll feel about it when he’s older. He’s a lovely kid, and DS really likes him, but I can’t help thinking he must feel a bit pushed aside at home. Just wish I knew the best way to handle it without making it awkward for the boys.

If a parent said they didn't know their child was still at our house ,I think I'd follow it up with asking how they want to me to manage this in the future so they know he's at mine or not. I'd also probably be walking him home to make sure they get the message they can't just let him out, assume he's yours.

Yeah the parents not knowing where he was stands out to me.

How can you not know where your 8 year old is .... it isn't 1975 FFS.
This is awful.

I would say when they get home “you can play until 6pm, Tom needs to leave becuase we are having dinner” give them a reminder 10 minutes or so before home time. Absolutely offer snacks and perhaps agree that once a week or fortnight, he can stay for tea.
As mine have got older, I actually prefer it when they do have friends over. They behave well and leave me alone..Bliss
If he is a sociable chap and an only child and parents are not paying him much attention, he is probably very lonely. He will remember your kindness. I fondly remember a couple of families from my childhood whom I regularly stayed for dinner with at various times in my childhood. My home life wasn’t great and I was grateful. They taught me lots about normal family life, including interest in school work and how I felt. I was so delighted (surprised) when one friends mums collected from school for play dates: She called me “poppet” and asked how my day was. We said grace at dinner. I held onto the things that other families showed me and it gave me some
direction now that I have my own family.
I may also have already seemed hungry (I was) and a bit messy (not used to helping myself to food and tidying away). Maybe cheeky too (little adult interaction outside of school).
You don’t need to go overboard with the kindness, I would have responded well to being given a clear hometime and some snacks (even basic ones likes toast, bowl of cereal).

I personally, now it's got to this stage, would offer to walk the boy home and check out his house and DM to get the measure if it all. I'd insist that I'd want to go inside somehow ie use the loo or wash my hands anything really

I’m sorry did you say this child is 8 or in year 8?

Embarrass the parent by phoning or calling round and saying -

'Little Sonny is coming over to my house all of the time and is constantly asking for food and wanting to stay late. One day a week is fine but can you make sure that he doesn't just turn up at ours without a prior arrangement being agreed.'

If any of my kids friends are here and I'm cooking tea I'll always offer them some or if I don't have enough I'll apologise and politely send them home. Of course you don't have to do this but it doesn't usually put me out too much to do it.

Next time you invite him to stay for tea, make conversation around his home mealtimes- “so, Tom, what sort of food do you guys have for tea? You eat late, don’t you, did you know they eat at 10pm in Spain! How come your family eats so late?”

I would also make an appointment to speak to the class teacher, and raise the hunger and also (and more importantly) the time his mum didn’t know where he was but wasn’t missing him. If the school have concerns around neglect then your little piece of puzzle might help them to get a bigger picture.

That’s not a bad idea, actually. I’ve never been inside their house, and I’ve only met his DM in passing at pick-up. She seems nice enough but a bit vague, IYKWIM.

I might suggest walking him back next time he’s here late and see what kind of vibe I get. Not sure I’d push to go inside, but at least I’d get a sense of what’s going on. I just don’t want to overstep or make it awkward, especially if it is just different parenting styles rather than anything more concerning.

My son had a friend like this at 8. He was obsessed with the food in my house, would ask for it the second he got in then continously until he left, even after being told he's had enough many times.
In the end he said no to any kind of playing with my son, all he wanted was food.
He was a very rude kid and I stopped letting him come.
He wasn't neglected I just think they had a set meal they ate and if he didn't like it he didn't get anything else and they didn't do snacking.
I remember when they started packed lunches and I asked the mam what she was putting in and she looked confused and said a sandwich, no yoghurt, fruit, crisps etc, it seriously hadn't crossed her mind that he would have anything but a sandwich.
Just set the rules in your house OP instead of getting frustrated in your own home with someone else's kid.

I think the mother knew fine well where he was and just said that to cover the fact that she was taking advantage of your good nature.

If I was feeding the other kids a meal I don't think I'd have the heart to not instinctively offer him some too. I'd be worried the poor kid was being starved.
Next time you see him, ask him what he had for dinner last night. If he can't give a straight answer it looks like he really isn't being fed at home! Is he skinny, unhealthy looking? I know kids can be chubby even if they have poor nutrition though.
If he's cheeky or messy then correct him, tell him to clean up and tell him not to be rude. But as for the food side, I'm not sure how you can raise it with the mum.
Have you been inside her house? Does it look reasonable? Not that a tidy house couldn't mean you neglect your child.

I personally wouldn't do this. If the boy home life isn't great then this could possibly lead to him being unnecessarily punished or them preventing the friendship because they'll think suspions of their parenting to be raised.

I'd do it gradually. Starting with walking the boy home and watching him in the door. Build up to speaking to the parents or even make arrangements with the lad before he leaves by saying you'll next see him on X day.

I love the kids having friends over, as it keeps them off screens and they have fun. If we're busy I just say, sorry you'll have to go now but otherwise its open house. I would make sure they tidy up a bit though.
They're welcome to stay for tea, unless I don't have enough in, but I think if I was feeding them all the time it would grate a bit. But reading other posters stories about how they weren't fed at home and were so grateful for other families welcoming them in, I'd want to help if I could while maybe mentioning to school in case it adds to a pattern of concerns?