DS’s friend – would this bother you?

[dima201069]

DS (8) has a friend from school, let’s call him Tom. He’s a nice enough lad, but some things about him (or rather his parents) are starting to niggle at me, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just a bit PFB about it.

Tom’s been coming round quite a bit after school, which is fine, but he never seems to have had any actual dinner before he gets here – always says he’s ‘starving’ and hoovers up anything I put in front of him. I don’t mind giving him a snack, but the other day he asked if we had “anything more filling” after he’d already had toast and fruit. I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

He’s also started asking if he can stay later and later – last week he was here till nearly 8 before I had to text his mum asking if she was picking him up. She replied, “Oh, is he still there? Sorry, lost track of time!” This has happened more than once. I don’t mind DS having friends over, but I don’t want to be running a free after-school club!

Other minor things – he’s a bit cheeky (but not outright rude), leaves a mess without thinking, and once when I was making tea for DS and DD, he asked if he could have some too! I feel bad because he’s only a kid, and DS really likes him, but I can’t shake the feeling his parents are taking the piss a bit.

WIBU to start setting some firmer boundaries? And how would you handle it without making things awkward for DS?

Exactly @dima201069 and give him a warning when it’s approaching the time to leave too, so that he’s prepared and ready. Don’t give him reasons, just say something vague like, “You can stay until 5pm but you will need to leave then as we’re busy after that.” Don’t be drawn into what you’re doing as he might ask to eat/watch a movie/walk the dog too.

I had similar with a neighbour’s DD. She popped round unannounced occasionally, but that increased until she was coming round numerous times a week, including early on weekend mornings. She was also bringing her younger sibling by the end!

Put your boundaries in place now - it’s a lot easier.

I'd be concerned that the child is possibly being neglected. The fact he was at yours at 8 pm, hadn't been home for tea and his Mum seemed surprised he was still there, rather odd. At 8 pm it's way passed a child's tea time, it's dark and yet his Mum hadn't realised he wasn't at home! Yes, some people do eat later, but to expect a child to wait until late to eat, is ridiculous. I understand some parents are more laid back, but having no idea where your child is!! Walk him home next time, and see if you can gauge anything. You need to set firmer boundaries. A snack yes, a full meal no (or occasionally!). A 'Tom it's 5 pm, we will be eating soon, so it's time for you to go home. Would you like me to walk with you?'. There's nothing wrong, in asking him to leave. If he asks to stay, then you say 'I'm sorry Tom, but not tonight'. You don't mind making him welcome, but he's overstaying his welcome.

I would suggest to his Dparents one day a week, when he comes to yours, plays and stays for dinner.
Then pick a time for them to collect him, one that suits you.
Don't allow vague days or times.
The Dparents sound like they're taking advantage, so pick what suits you. Make it plain that in future that'll be the routine, they'll know, you know and the kids'll know.

It's a difficult one. Our house is noisy (lots of DC friends round and I often feed them) but one of my DC regularly wants to hang out at a friend's house, who is an only child so they get peace and quiet. I often offer to reciprocate but my it just doesn't happen as often.

All my DC prefer to eat at others houses (we try but cooking is not one of our skills!). Doesn't mean we are neglecting them, so maybe the parents just don't realise you find it annoying.

I'd have a word with your DC, do they actively encourage their friend to visit?

All my DC prefer to eat at others houses (we try but cooking is not one of our skills!). Doesn't mean we are neglecting them, so maybe the parents just don't realise you find it annoying.

They may not realise the OP finds it annoying but not realising that your 8 yo isn't at home after 8pm, especially when it's past typical dinner time for most kids is I'd say pretty close to neglect if it happens regularly.

*it’d be a hard no and I’d be telling my child to play with Tom in school if he likes him so much.

If he knocked I’d send him home and tell him not to knock again he can see your son on school*

Wow.

Oh its tricky. If I genuinely believed he was being neglected and wasn't being fed properly, I'd feed him. However, if I felt his parents were just being cheeky I'd try and inpose a rule that he always leaves at a certain time to go home for dinner.

Yes, that’s exactly where I’m stuck! I don’t want to ignore it if he is being neglected, but at the same time, I don’t want to be taken advantage of if it’s just a case of very lax parenting.

I think I’ll start by setting a firm “home time” and see how that goes. If he still seems genuinely hungry or reluctant to go, then maybe I’ll need to rethink things. Just don’t want to end up in a situation where I’m basically responsible for him every evening!

Some people’s lack of empathy for another child in the replies is shocking and saddening. I know there’s no obligation to care for another person’s DC, but what happened to “It takes a village”?

My nephew (10) goes to school close to me, so most evenings after school he and his friends will come to my house- sometimes just one or two, and sometimes it’s more like five(!)- to get a drink, have something to eat, play, and refuel before going to play football on the field or stay watch some TV. One of his best friends concerns me. He’s a lovely young lad who just never seems to want to leave, and it took me a few months of this to work out that he is one of a lot of siblings in a small house, and his mum seems to not care at all- not where he is, who he is with, or what time he gets home. He also has behavioural issues in school and has unmanaged ADHD so sometimes he just needs to decompress after a long day. He is a little messy and cheeky at times, but I wouldn’t ever consider sending him away, he’s kind and is wonderful with the little ones. He benefits from some quiet time, a nutritious meal, and the offer of a hand with his homework much more than any of the others and now just feels like part of the furniture.

I didn’t have a happy family, and going home was so unpleasant. I’m still grateful to the friends’ parents that took me in, fed me, and let me feel part of the family.

I didn’t have a happy family, and going home was so unpleasant. I’m still grateful to the friends’ parents that took me in, fed me, and let me feel part of the family.

@AubernFable I understand that your perspective is influenced by your own experience and it's very nice and kind that you are willing to do what was done for you for other people's kids.

However, I probably wouldn't go as far as to accuse everyone who either can't or won't do the same of the lack of empathy. People have their own own reasons, issues, struggles etc. Some of them are financial. Others emotional or of some other kind. It isn't really fair to assume that everyone can do what was done for you or what you are willing to do for others and because they can't, accuse them of the lack of empathy. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Sometimes it isn't.

Child welfare is everyone's responsibility!

I'm astounded that OP is concerned about his parents not feeding him or knowing where he is, and there are people suggesting turning him away at the door?

Where does a little boy go if he's being neglected then? He is seeking safety and warmth and some semblance of normal family life by the sounds of it. Let him in, and show him that someone gives a shit how he feels.

Consecutively, speak to school and the parents. You have a moral responsibility to follow this through.

Thanks for your response, just to clear up i’m absolutely not talking about every reply just a few that seemed especially harsh. I absolutely understand not everyone can accommodate another mouth to feed all the time, I have been there but some of the attitudes towards the child are harsh.

my kids are always ravenous after school and will eat anything they can get hold of. They have a snack immediately after school then we don't have our meal until about 7 but they'd probably happily put away an extra meal if they were offered it. People would probably think we're starving them too.

You could say it's time to go and that if he's hungry you can pop him a sandwich in a box or something, if his parents are neglecting him then he could sneakily eat it on the way home and if they're not and he gets home with a packed meal they'll be horrified and tell him to stop scavenging food from his friends mums? I'd hate to be leaving the poor kid hungry if there is a problem at home but it's also possible he's just a six dinner sid and just eating everywhere and no one is any the wiser.

This! Couldn’t agree more.

I would make it a definite regular night once a week - text his mum to say is that ok with her and can she collect him/is it ok if you send him home after tea? Then mention what's been happening to school.

You'll have your boundaries set, Tom gets to look forward to coming each Thursday and school can add up the dots if there are dots to be added up. If school suggest that there may be an issue at home, you could increase to twice or maybe even three times a week?

Poor little scrap, imagine not wanting to be at home so badly that you head off to your mate's every night of the week.

It’s quite normal here for the kids to be in and out of their friends houses. It’s also quite normal for me to have 8+ kids in my house. You just have to be firm and say we’re having tea now. Time to go. You can come back later etc.
I often don’t know where my kids are either for hours on end. Doesn’t mean I’m neglectful I know they are out at their friends. Just not which specific friends house. Sometimes I’ll feed the kids. Sometimes I won’t. I’m really happy that my kids are experiencing the norm I had as a child rather than the norm on mumsnet which seems to be play dates have to be prearranged weeks in advance and the thought of kids just dropping in and out is horrifying

My daughter changed schools at 14 and made three new friends.

One ate any spare food (extra portion of last night's dinner) every day. He once took off his shirt, he was skin and bone.
Next friend wasn't allowed to shower, too expensive.
Finally another didn't want to go home to be beaten by her father. All attending a school in a wealthy country village.
We welcomed them all. We had to. A bit of food, support and hot water. They all know they are still welcome now.

A mother who didn't know where her 8 year old child is, is neglecting him. Talk to the school.

We had this with our NDN neighbours children.

Benign neglect was at play and their house was an absolute tip. Their parents clearly adored the children but we're not great at routine and would often leave the children to their own devices. I think the children liked ours as it was a bit less chaotic. I would just send them home at mealtimes.

It did drive me crackers being repeatedly asked for food. So I feel for you OP.

I've read all your posts OP, but not all the replies.

Am I the only one who thinks it crazy that an eight year old boy is turning up at a friends house without arrangements from the parents being made?!

Absolutely astonished at the amount of replies saying close the door, tell him to bugger off.

A child. A child's who mum didn't give a toss where he was at 8pm at night, whether he had eaten, whether he was lying dead in the road.

The people saying sod him off need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Send your son there, or ask if he can go there.

If he's not treated the same way, then you'll know it's unfair and one way

I'm also very concerned that his parents didn't know where he was at 8pm. I'm all for unplanned playdates, kids dropping in, feeding my friends' kids - but I cannot imagine not actually knowing where my 8yo is.

Yes agree.

I think it's more likely they're just taking the piss than neglecting him.

Our younger DS has a friend who lives nearby and didn't mind doing the odd pick up but they repeatedly didn't pick him up until an hour or two later without even letting us know so I'm avoiding helping them so much now.

I'd say in a friendly way, 'ok Tom, we're going to have our dinner now so it's time you went home. ' assuming he can make his own way home. If not, and you always have dinner around half 5, just ask them to pick hmi up at half 5.