DS’s friend – would this bother you?

[dima201069]

DS (8) has a friend from school, let’s call him Tom. He’s a nice enough lad, but some things about him (or rather his parents) are starting to niggle at me, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just a bit PFB about it.

Tom’s been coming round quite a bit after school, which is fine, but he never seems to have had any actual dinner before he gets here – always says he’s ‘starving’ and hoovers up anything I put in front of him. I don’t mind giving him a snack, but the other day he asked if we had “anything more filling” after he’d already had toast and fruit. I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

He’s also started asking if he can stay later and later – last week he was here till nearly 8 before I had to text his mum asking if she was picking him up. She replied, “Oh, is he still there? Sorry, lost track of time!” This has happened more than once. I don’t mind DS having friends over, but I don’t want to be running a free after-school club!

Other minor things – he’s a bit cheeky (but not outright rude), leaves a mess without thinking, and once when I was making tea for DS and DD, he asked if he could have some too! I feel bad because he’s only a kid, and DS really likes him, but I can’t shake the feeling his parents are taking the piss a bit.

WIBU to start setting some firmer boundaries? And how would you handle it without making things awkward for DS?

If I’ve read OP’s original post correctly it appears that this little 8 year old boy is not coming to play straight from school (which where I live would be unusual in itself) and that sometimes the mum drops him off unannounced and that on others he just turns up on his own. The fact that mum didn’t appear to know where he was when the OP contacted her at 8.00pm makes me think something isn’t quite right at home.
I can’t think of any occasion that I would drop my child at someone else’s house without having arranged to do so first, or allow a child as young as 8 to be wandering around in the dark even if he only wanted to go a couple of streets away. Times have changed since our parents were young and whilst I’m all for encouraging independence letting such a little one out to play without knowing where they are or without something to eat first is pretty poor parenting in my opinion. I’ve never thought of myself as an overprotective parent but perhaps I am.
It’s very lucky that this little boy has landed at the OP’’s, but she’s now in a very difficult position - dammed if she stops entertaining him so often him because who knows where he may end up going or what if anything he’ll have for tea, and dammed if she lets this informal arrangement carry on without questioning why he’s turning up so often and it’s later discovered that he’s being neglected at home. If it were me I’d be taking him home after feeding him next time with a view to having a friendly chat with whoever comes to the door and if I was at all worried about what I found there I’d be flagging the issue with the teacher.
I can’t agree with those posters who seem to think that what this little boy is doing is entirely normal - in my view it isn’t and is likely to be indicative of some sort of problem at home.

OP, I would be thinking of having a word with the school if he is not being fed and cared for.
Walking him home is a good idea.
Good to establish are they plain CF's or neglectful.
If its neglect the school needs to be told.

When I was a child the only place I felt safe, loved and happy was in my friend's house. When we moved I was heartbroken.

I know this doesn't help your dilemma. I think you've been given good advice about the walking him home and see what the response is.

I've got an 8-year-old and this wouldn't be the norm for any child in his class.

Different kids have different levels of freedom etc but all of the kids who are allowed to play out without a parent have to be in before dark, and before tea time, even in the most relaxed families. So the fact that he hasn't got a home-time would be really worrying.

I also don't know any parent who doesn't organise the playdates for their 8-year-olds with drop-offs and pickups and plans around meals. Even with my eldest at 10 this is still very much the norm.

The food thing might just be different kids - one of mine is hungry all of the time - and we wouldn't usually have eaten at 5.30 either. But combined with the regular visits etc it would give me cause for concern too. It would be good to try offering as boring a sandwich as possible when he asks for snacks and see if he eats it or not.

I like pp suggestion of trying to speak to the parents and take a look at the house; and also of having a chat to him about food generally. What's his favourite food, what time do they eat, has he eaten before he comes? If not what are they eating and when? etc etc. I think that you might find this is a chat-to-school scenario.

He's 8 / year 3?

No way should he be hanging round someone house at 8pm and as a parent, id be round for him well beforehand

He should be in bed or getting ready by then

All our play dates end around 5:30/6

I wouldn't like this at all We have a strict routine on school days

Dinner
Bath
Bed/ book

But worrying that this child has none of this

I agree with this. The most important thing here is that a child may be suffering neglect and not being fed or supervised properly. I would talk to the DSL at the school. If there's nothing in it, then no harm done.

As far as you feeding and hosting him, that's entirely up to you. I would probably be happy to give him a bit of extra nurturing and feed him as long as he got on well with my own child, but you should do as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing.

Sounds like he’s being neglected so I doubt speaking to his parents will change much, they don’t give a shit where he is or what he is doing as he clearly an inconvenience to them. Contact social services.

I completely agree with this. Contributing to this child's life could have such a positive impact and one day he might thank you for it. As a child I had very absent parents and my friend's parents included me in everything. I'm now in my thirties and we are still close - we are like family and I'm so grateful to them for them showing me normal family life.

Exactly, I had this in both instances, as a child I had friends who needed an escape, and then as a parent, my child had friends who needed a little help.

On the surface you never know what that kid is going through at home, could be argumentative parents, abusive, its not just poverty.

I would always feed a hungry child and I'd be dropping him home myself to check things out. Invite yourself in, ask when they are eating dinner so you can have him home in time, just be a bit pushy about it to see if it's just laziness or actual neglect.

If it was at all neglect or any hints of such I'd be feeding him every day and letting the school know. I have an 8 year old and know where he is pretty much every moment of his life. He plays out in our estate but the other parents and I check in with each other 'k and l are here now, Will send him back at 6' or whatever. It's not a free for all at that age so I'd have serious concerns.