DS’s friend – would this bother you?

[dima201069]

DS (8) has a friend from school, let’s call him Tom. He’s a nice enough lad, but some things about him (or rather his parents) are starting to niggle at me, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or just a bit PFB about it.

Tom’s been coming round quite a bit after school, which is fine, but he never seems to have had any actual dinner before he gets here – always says he’s ‘starving’ and hoovers up anything I put in front of him. I don’t mind giving him a snack, but the other day he asked if we had “anything more filling” after he’d already had toast and fruit. I asked if he’d had tea at home, and he said, “Nah, we don’t usually eat till late.” (This was 5:30, so not that early!)

He’s also started asking if he can stay later and later – last week he was here till nearly 8 before I had to text his mum asking if she was picking him up. She replied, “Oh, is he still there? Sorry, lost track of time!” This has happened more than once. I don’t mind DS having friends over, but I don’t want to be running a free after-school club!

Other minor things – he’s a bit cheeky (but not outright rude), leaves a mess without thinking, and once when I was making tea for DS and DD, he asked if he could have some too! I feel bad because he’s only a kid, and DS really likes him, but I can’t shake the feeling his parents are taking the piss a bit.

WIBU to start setting some firmer boundaries? And how would you handle it without making things awkward for DS?

If you got the means just please feed the boy OP. If money is tight then have some low cost snacks at home perhaps. His parents are clearly neglecting him not even knowing where he is. Poor little fellow.

It’s very one sided him always coming to you and I’d be concerned about him just turning up - you might not be in or dc might not want to play. Food wise if you are eating your family meal at a service then I can understand not wanting an extra child there, it’s different to inviting a friend over for tea.
I’d try to speak to mum and take it from there.

My DGS is 8 and an only child, all his play dates seem to be micromanaged with parental door-to-door drop-offs and collection, it’s a small and very nice village but children that age don’t go from house to house unaccompanied and no parent would be unaware which friend’s house the child was at!

When I was at primary school I had a friend from a large family who always cleared her plate at tea time and was grateful for seconds, my mother loved feeding her because I was picky and fussy and never cleared mine.

Kids in my house get fed, even if we have stretch everyone else's food to do it. No question, or making it awkward.

He is getting something at your house that he's not having at home, or he wouldn't be there. We had this with one of DDs friends and she was just allowed to be here whenever she wanted, and I told her so. I knew her mother and she was being looked after, but I think she was just a bit in her own head and came to our crazy house for the distraction of chaos. It's an honour if you think about it.

but it is awkward already? You aren’t making it awkward.

I don’t think it’s fair to have a random child at your evening meal everyday, that’s your time to eat as a family and catch up on things.
If it’s neglect then it needs raising with school.
It might just be different food timings. He knows if he knocks on your door he gets a snack and possibly dinner. He may well be going home to a meal. He’s very young perhaps your snacks and meals are more appealing.
I’d also be wary of feeding a child without knowing them he may be veggie/allergies etc.

Same with my friends son and mine. Some mum's see it as their time for some peace and quiet. But it became every day after school, somehow stretching 4 portions to 5 of food prepared for tea, then my hubby would drop him back, late with her saying "oh I'll have yours soon" but her son would always come back the next day. They are now adults and one day at a BBQ he actually said I spent alot of time at yrs as a kid didn't I. Some mums just know how to manipulate others to their advantage and i was too weak to see it, Could you have him Thursday as i have a doctors appointment, my haircut etc. She even said how great it was she could go and get a massage and her nails done.! Mine rarely went to hers, she wasn't a great cook, and she rather wait till her husband got home from work who did most of the cooking. She's moved on so we've lost contact. This sounds like neglect poor lad.

This. When mine were that age I knew exactly where they were at all times, and play dates were always arranged - "I'll pick little Jane up after school and give her tea and drop her home at 6"

Personally, I would contact the mum and say you'll only have him round from now on when it's been prearranged with her and she knows where he is and has a time she has to come and collect him. At that age, I'd be worried about him just turning up and not being in and something happening to him. I'd feel forever responsible.

tactful chat with school safeguarding team?

Feeding him isn't the answer. The parents need to take responsibility and won't whilst they know the op is a mug and feeding their kid for them!

It's part of the answer. If anyone really suspects a child is not being fed then of course they should offer them food. It's not being a mug it's being human.

Do other long term things too, but definitely feed the boy. Poor kid.

I think it's great that your son has this friendship. Not long ago this was the norm and kids would be social in this way rather than structured and managed by parents. It's nice. You can absolutely parent him though whilst he's in your home - teach him about clearing and tidying and manners.
Your kids will remember you as the kind mum who opened your house to their friends. And it also means that as your children get older, your home will be where they want to hang out with their friends, a welcoming space rather than getting up to god knows what and you hardly seeing them.

I would raise concerns with the school. They’ll know how to escalate things if need be. He’s not your responsibility

I'd be ok with him coming round (providing your ds wants it) I'd give them the same snack and say no to requests for extra. If I was doing a big pot tea like spag bol I'd ask if he wants some and just chuck a bit extra pasta in but if it was something portioned I wouldn't t.

How does he get home? If he walks I'd send him before it's too dark or maybe get your son to walk him half way.

No, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say No more often. Choose a frequency that works for you and stick to it. I’d also be clear on timings and whether the visit includes a meal.

This is what it's still like in some areas, my kids have been going to and from friends houses (and their friends coming here) since they were about 7 or 8, there's nothing neglectful about it.

I'm so surprised at the op and some replies here.
f I knew a child was hungry and I could afford to feed them, I would, even beans on toast or a cheese sandwich.

I wouldn't think it cheeky or rude if a child asked for food, I'd have alarms bells ringing wondering if they were neglected.

And then if I text the mum and she doesn't seem to know where her 8 year old is I'd be really worried.

And after all this "wondering" I'd try and find out, go to his house and talk to the parents, or at least talk to the school.

Everyone is so intent on setting boundaries they've forgotten there's a child at the centre of this.

Just set the rules in your house OP instead of getting frustrated in your own home with someone else's kid.

@dima201069 I would agree with setting rules as to when your kids' friends can come around and how long they can stay. It doesn't need to involve any confrontational discussions with parents but it probably is a good idea to walk the friend home one day just to gain at least an impression of the parents and the environment.

You may need to raise your concerns with the school but as others have suggested do try to be careful how it's done as it may cause trouble for your son's friend at home.

It is possible that the kid doesn't get enough food at home or is being neglected more generally but I also think it is too much to ask or indirectly expect you to be responsible for his food or what essentially is childcare while he is in your house on a daily or any other regular basis.

Everyone is so intent on setting boundaries they've forgotten there's a child at the centre of this.

There is a child at the centre of this, and I don't think anyone here has forgotten that but it is also worth noting that it is not the OP's responsibility to provide childcare to this boy. It's not merely the matter of the cost of food. It is a responsibility that she made clear she does not want to take.

Even back in the 70s and 80s when I was a kid I would spend a lot of time at friends houses and them at mine but come 1pm or 6pm i.e. lunch and dinner the mother whose house we were in would just send us back to our own house so our own mothers could feed us. Snacks were different but main meals you were always sent home.

I wouldn't mind for an hour, then I'd tell them to go home. Nothing wrong with saying that, as long as you're polite about it. So I can talk to my kids and serve dinner.

@dima201069 it's probably easiest to set expectations with your own son, i.e. let him know when the friend can come around and how long he can stay.

Full of compassion I guess possible neglect is not your problem then?

@BreatheAndFocus That’s a good idea. I think I need to be clearer with both Tom and his parents about when he’s welcome and for how long. At the moment, it’s all a bit open-ended, which is probably why it’s getting out of hand.

I’ll start saying something like, “You can stay until 5, but then it’s time to head home,” so there’s no confusion. And if he turns up around tea time, I’ll just tell him we’re eating and he needs to go. Hopefully, that sets some boundaries without making things awkward!

if this is a case of neglect, then your suggestion could turn into Tom getting told off and a battering too... be careful.