to hate the fact my teens don’t want to do anything with me

[OldMargaret]

14 year old twins
DS and DD
Very different in personality but no major clashes largely because they don’t spend much time together ( by their choice )

I am a teacher so around all half terms and enjoy spending time with them yet the last year or so has been hideous with me dragging them out to be met with moans the entire day

My DD is autistic and finds it hard to socialise so is heavily reliant on me yet seems to dislike me most of the time

DS is gaming mad and would never leave his bedroom given the choice

I’ve booked Longleat safari park with a sleepover in a treehouse as a half term treat as they both love animals so at least that’s a common interest and the look on their faces was like I had given them the worst news they’ve ever heard!

Anyone else understand how horrible this is?

Friends don’t seem to know what I’m talking about!

It’s all well and good looking to spend the whole of half term with them but how much time do you spend with them in an average week? Do you even have meals together as a family?

My 10yo DS is like this OP. I so miss the little years when we'd have lovely days out. I'm a lone parent so my free time is a choice between dragging a sullen child out or sitting at home.

I promise you, it gets better. You’ll doubt yourself and feel dreadful (despite people on here saying their teens would never be so antisocial etc) but they will come back to you. IMO 12-15 is the worst of it. By 18 they’re largely human again with brief bouts of being self-regarding as opposed to whole years of it

Hang in there, it gets better!

My daughter barely spoke to me from 12-18, but I was always there for her and now she talks to me all the time. We don't do much together because she'd rather be with friends, but I do feel I'm part of her life again.

I think it’s completely normal for teens to turn their noses up at activities they haven’t been asked about. I think if your teens all were enthusiastic about all activities offered they are unusual. Mine have always enjoyed doing stuff but with fair notice and some consultation!

You booked something for them, without asking, that you knew they probably wouldn't want to do.

What kind of reaction did you expect?

With teenagers you have to follow their lead a bit, ask them and at the end of the day if they don't want to spend time with you, you need to accept that and let them have their independence.

At 14 my kids really weren't hanging around with me in the school holidays - we would do the occasional lunch out or shopping trip but not 'activities'. We still did/do family holidays but that is different.

Well let’s be honest here OP you can’t really blame them. You booked something that doesn’t really interest them just because you wanted to spend time together. Did you hang about with your parents at 14? I know I didn’t.

You need to let this time pass and please god don’t have a baby just because it’s someone to spend time with! Get a hobby

I would cancel the trip and stop thinking about another child! There would be a huge age, and there is no sign at all that your children would want another baby in the house. They sound quite difficult and as your husband works away you would have to cope with two difficult teenagers and the new baby on your own.

In the meantime though, just cancel the trip. They don't want to go. They won't enjoy it. They won't let you enjoy it. There's just no point and it's a waste of money.

Op there was a fabulous post on this year's ago, the poster said bustle into the rooms with a sense of urgency, lie about short journeys and try and engage them.

I completely sympathise and understand you!

Last year I took my kids on three holidays, uk but a theme park break, Butlins with masked singer that they love, and a Disney cruise. This year they've asked not to have holidays as they'd rather be home with their friends. They were 14 and 10 last year, so 15 and 11 now. I've offered every holiday I can think of uk and abroad and nope.

My son is autistic and hates leaving the house for anything. My daughter is 15 and wants to be out with friends not me. Half term I booked three days off, and can't tempt them to do anything except daughter wants to do some shopping 🤑🤑🤑

I am grieving the loss of the stage where they needed me and wanted to do stuff with me.

Thank you for this
I have wondered very often about this actually since I got my ADHD diagnosis a few years back as it does feel like physical pain rather than just a fleeting upsetting moment

@OldMargaret don't worry, it's a phase and they will return! Mine were both like this in early - mid teens and it felt a bit depressing sometimes. Increasingly, the main time I felt I connected with them was in the car dropping them off to see friends!

But I realised the other day that things have changed. They're now 20 and 18; dd has a boyfriend and when he's here they will suddenly appear in the lounge and sit down to chat with us! And she seems to like coming home from uni very regularly, which surprises me. And ds is always up for a late night chat about philosophy.

Do you make a habit of announcing other people's pregnancies? It's really fucking rude.

it’s hard but you have to discuss most things first and agree it with them,do more without them. If they want to stay in get a takeaway, watch a film, taking turns to choose. My DS is 15 and I check everything, and would do stuff without him if he isn’t keen. We are currently watching a tv series we both love and go and watch sport (more his thing but a sure way to a good day out)

My DC are still in infants school, so no direct experience of how this feels yet, BUT I was an absolute horror when I was 14/15 and can remember feeling no empathy for my parents at all, feeling totally suffocated and embarrassed by even their presence, and knowing with full certainty that I knew it all and was absolutely ready to make my own way in the world.

I got into some very bad scrapes (drinking, sex, bunking off school etc) and my parents grounded me - my mum told me the other day that I yelled at her solidly for 14 hours when they did that. No memory of that at all.

I do remember, though, being 17 and suddenly realising with a jolt that my parents were people and were worried about me because they actually loved me and cared. I came round quite quickly and 20 years on am now a pretty successful adult with a good relationship with my mum (dad sadly passed away in my 20s).

Teenage hormones are wild. My mum laughs darkly when I say that and says "just you wait for the menopause".

Ah, 14 is a tough age and your DD's autism makes it more so.
I remember not wanting to spend any time with my parents then, but at 16, I suddenly realized that they weren't so bad. It's been similar with DD (19) and DS (16), we're much more acceptable now that they're slightly older, although DS says that I talk too much sometimes.😂

I suspect that the trip will turn out to be fine once you get there but be prepared for a lack of enthusiasm for family trips for at least a couple more years!

Hi op, I wonder if it’s the double whammy of twins that’s making it harder? My close friend has 15 year old B/G twins whereas mine are 19, 15 and 13 so I can (sort of) see the spectrum of teen development if that makes sense.

My 19 yo is coming out of the teenage years (which were v rocky in parts) and I can now see the mostly lovely and sociable man he’s becoming.

My AuDHD 15 yo is BLOODY HARD WORK and I think, had I not got the light-at-the-end-of-the-looooong-tunnel 19 yo I’d been despairing.

My 13 yo EHCP ADHDer is still mostly super cute and still says he loves me although I see brief flashes of the proper teen he’ll shortly become. It’s brutal! But I do think it was forever thus.

I would still keep doing some nice days out: we have one “family” day out planned for half term but I think the rest of it will be relatively low key. Screen time will be limited or my younger two will be glued to them.

Like you, I LOVED the holidays - we used to do so much and I loved it (also ADHD so lots of energy and wanting to be doing loads). It’s hard letting go of this and ADHDers often find these changes hard. I’m trying to find things I want to do - I’ve done a bit of decorating and I’m planning to over haul the garden which for years was a muddy football pitch. We have to find our new “normal” with teens, I think.

I never thought I’d find it this hard, though.

Best of luck.

This.