Page 5 | to hate the fact my teens don’t want to do anything with me

OldMargaret · 2025-02-12T17:51:12+00:00

14 year old twins DS and DD Very different in personality but no major clashes largely because they don’t spend much time together ( by their choice ) I am a teacher so around all half terms and enjoy spending time with them yet the last year or so has been hideous with me dragging them out to be met with moans the entire day My DD is autistic and finds it hard to socialise so is heavily reliant on me yet seems to dislike me most of the time DS is gaming mad and would never leave his bedroom given the choice I’ve booked Longleat safari park with a sleepover in a treehouse as a half term treat as they both love animals so at least that’s a common interest and the look on their faces was like I had given them the worst news they’ve ever heard! Anyone else understand how horrible this is? Friends don’t seem to know what I’m talking about!

Nothatgingerpirate · 12/02/2025 19:59

Spottyshirt · 12/02/2025 17:54

That would have cost you a fortune
They sound… rude

The autistic one will be anxious of disruption to routine, probably not intentionally rude.

treesocks23 · 12/02/2025 20:00

Absolutely gets better. I stressed so much with my DS at those ages and thought I’d lost him forever. He’s now 18 and fab company and looks to go out and do things with me whenever possible, talks and confides in me a lot - he’s at uni now and he messages every day and video calls every other day generally of his own choice. It didn’t change until that 17/18 mark properly though.
DD is in the thick of it at 15 coming up 16. V occasionally wants to do something (generally if it involves food or make up shopping) but generally wants to sleep the day away, lock herself away in her pit or see friends. I’m much more chilled about it than I was with DS though because I’m confident it changes.
Stay positive and try and take some of that time to do things you want to x

tarheelbaby · 12/02/2025 20:02

Oh, and don't buy that 'friends only' malarkey. They do like being with their friends but they are still hyper aware of you and still craving your approval - perhaps more than before when they were less self-conscious and the stakes were lower. This, more than any other era, is the time to be true to yourself, be your best self and to show your love for them, not least by including them and asserting your opinions/standards.
As a long-time teacher of teens, starting when I was practically a teen myself, I can assure you that they actually crave your attention.The prickly-ness is a test and you can pass it by gently standing firm and build strong foundations.

ahdlfj · 12/02/2025 20:05

I recommend limits on gaming, if I let mine play as much as they want I'm sure they would shun me too, but limit it, and they soon come looking to you for entertainment!

treesocks23 · 12/02/2025 20:06

OldMargaret · 12/02/2025 18:42

I too hate gaming but when I take it away what am I replacing it with if everything I suggest is refused?

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I know I’ve just posted but on this, my DS was the biggest gamer until about 17. We were in panic mode at the sheer hours and money he gave to it. Completely addicted and the arguments we had were horrific.
Then literally one day, it seemed to stop almost overnight. He now loves the gym and obsessed with hiking and anything outdoors. He does play a tiny bit, but really small in comparison. I didn’t believe it was a stage, I thought we had a lazy gamer for life but it just went away!

Shubbypubby · 12/02/2025 20:08

My DS was a fairly easy going teen but at that age he was long past school holiday outings- he'd been doing his own thing since 12ish. Just leave them be and give them a chance to decompress and relax.

Stopsnowing · 12/02/2025 20:10

Similar situation here but lone parent and a gap in ages and mine don’t get on. Plus they like different things so I can’t just do what they want as they want different things! Yes, they get through the other side but as adults when what I want is to spend some time with them as family now. Just as they got old enough to be taken away more easily and do more interesting things they don’t want to.

Lilactimes · 12/02/2025 20:12

treesocks23 · 12/02/2025 20:00

Absolutely gets better. I stressed so much with my DS at those ages and thought I’d lost him forever. He’s now 18 and fab company and looks to go out and do things with me whenever possible, talks and confides in me a lot - he’s at uni now and he messages every day and video calls every other day generally of his own choice. It didn’t change until that 17/18 mark properly though.
DD is in the thick of it at 15 coming up 16. V occasionally wants to do something (generally if it involves food or make up shopping) but generally wants to sleep the day away, lock herself away in her pit or see friends. I’m much more chilled about it than I was with DS though because I’m confident it changes.
Stay positive and try and take some of that time to do things you want to x

I totally agree with this @treesocks23 exactly the same thing happened to me - at 14 they don’t want to be with you as much - just know you’re around for lifts / meals.
its part of nature - they’re recalibrating their relationship with you. Then around 17 it just gets warmer on their part. My DD also at Uni and so chatty and friendly. Such a relief!! Hang in there @OldMargaret x

Zanatdy · 12/02/2025 20:14

They are just growing up. I leave mine to it, waste of money if they’d rather be elsewhere

Original poster

OldMargaret · 12/02/2025 20:21

SecretSoul · 12/02/2025 18:56

I'm just going to ask the question OP. Are you absolutely certainly that your DS isn't autistic too?

You say he's sociable and struggles academically - but also isn't keen on meeting up with friends in half term etc, which suggests he's not as sociable as described?

I have 15 yr old twins, also a boy and a girl. Both are autistic too so I completely understand the challenges, including finding suitable activities. My two also very unreasonably like to do very different things and have wildly varying needs. So inconsiderate of them 😂

I find teenagers need space, to know you're there when they're ready, and to know that they're loved even when they might be pushing you away. I read on here once that you need to keep on loving your teenagers throughout these difficult years,and though they might seem distant and indifferent, this is when they need your love the most!

I also think that our generation of parents is a bit of a limbo group. We use tech in our daily lives but weren't completely absorbed by the digital world when we were growing up - so we have been conditioned to think of screens as "bad". And you'll certainly see that view a lot here on MN.

I don't necessarily agree. Children can develop skills through the use of screens and it can be a way to stay connected socially. People talk about screens being "bad" but often they're not entirely sure why. Screens actually provide loads of benefits - and I say this as someone who prefers paper books, not screens!

They're particularly helpful for neurodivergent children.

Having said that, I agree fresh air and exercise are important. I just think that you might be giving off an air of disapproval about gaming and screens, and if that's the case, it will drive a bit of a wedge. Like a PP said, it's about getting interested in what they're interested about. And at that age staying in a treehouse might be deeply unappealing - but give it 10 years and they'd enjoy it again! Teens are funny years as the DC are finding out who they are while their hormones are going crazy. They're often desperate to avoid anything that seems uncool.

We enjoy movie nights at home. Me and DD craft together - not joint projects, just sort of being in the same room doing the activity. Might have a TV show on in the background. Just really low-key activities that I know they enjoy and don't seem forced.

You talk about their dad going carting with DS - by any chance, is he the "fun parent" and you're left with the drudgery?

Thank you for your lengthy reply
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is on the spectrum - he’s awaiting an assessment

He is dyslexic so struggles mainly with English at school

Youre right in that he’s sociable more so than his sister but still not really into meeting friends in the holiday and If he rarely does it’s massively gaming focussed again!

100% dad is the fun parent and I am the one doing all the day to day crap!

OP posts:

Original poster

OldMargaret · 12/02/2025 20:24

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 18:57

I'm just going to ask the question OP. Are you absolutely certainly that your DS isn't autistic too?

I was actually going to ask OP if she thought she might be autistic, ha.

I have ADHD but am not autistic
I was tested for both
What made you wonder this if you don’t mind me asking?

OP posts:

Garlicworth · 12/02/2025 20:25

YANBU but it is normal teen behaviour. I recall trying very hard not to look like my mum was anything to do with me, while the poor woman had taken me shopping to buy me stuff 😳 I could see how hurt she was, even as she bravely acknowledged I was going through 'teenage individuation'.

I'm sorry for your hurt feelings It'll only last a few years.

Original poster

OldMargaret · 12/02/2025 20:25

SecretSoul · 12/02/2025 19:01

Ha! Well, actually that occurred to me too but I didn't want to fully open up the can of worms 😂

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I have ADHD but tested negative for ASD

DH is ASD

Can I ask why you thought this?
No offence at all taken to any answer!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2025 20:29

Spottyshirt · 12/02/2025 17:53

I’ve booked to go go karting with my teen son

they are obscenely fast and my worst nightmare. I am dreading it BUT

my son is looking forward to it and we are doing it together - and that is what makes me happy.

Edited

I think you missed the point...

socks1107 · 12/02/2025 20:29

They didn't want anything to do with me at that age and a night away would've been torture for them!
Now at 21 and 18 they beg me for days out 😊 don't force them, ride it out and always be consistent and in the background.
It'll change

Areyoulookingatme · 12/02/2025 20:31

Teacher and parent of teens here too.
I think it's weird cos you spend so much time with kids in school, some of whom actually like you and think you're cool, when your own kids really don't see you like that.

Having said that, I lived like a cat from around 14: only really saw my parents for food/a whinge/ to service my needs. They were the most embarrassing people on the the planet. Therefore I didn't really expect having my own teens to be that different.

I do have a friend who was gobsmackedwhen I told her that, because she loved being round her parents.

My kids definitely did stuff with us longer than I did with my parents, but it's few and far between now. Especially when the penny dropped for them that I can't actually make them.
Coming for a walk?
Why? Do I have to?
Shall we go to the beach for a bit?
Hmm, might be out after.
Fancy going for a day out?
Where? Not sure I fancy it. Just going to chill.

They will watch a film or series(1 will. Other one doesn't really like films).
They will play the odd board game.

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2025 20:33

Spottyshirt · 12/02/2025 18:30

The fact a child is autistic and doesn’t want to eat in front of other people doesn’t mean she doesn’t join for family dinner time and instead eats alone all meals in her room

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Do you know much about autism and food issues?

Backtothe90ties · 12/02/2025 20:34

OldMargaret · 12/02/2025 18:22

School is hard for them in different ways
DS is outgoing and sociable but struggles academically
DD finds the work easy but doesn’t enjoy a lot of the socialising aspects

Both very well supported in a very small school and DD has an EHCP

I shouldnt be lonely - I’m very very busy as a teacher and have a lot of lovely friends however I feel my only time I was truly “ content “ was when the kids were little and we spent a lot of time together

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it isn’t for your children to make you feel ‘content’. Their behaviour is completely normal for teens. My youngest DD likes spending some time with us but wouldn’t want to go away unless we had planned it together. I would say stop trying to entertain them so much and do something for yourself.

i think if you are contemplating another pregnancy purely for your own fulfilment then you might need some counselling to unpick why you feel that way. It’s not fair to have another child just to get that feeling back.

WashYourDamnRice · 12/02/2025 20:40

Garlicworth · 12/02/2025 20:25

YANBU but it is normal teen behaviour. I recall trying very hard not to look like my mum was anything to do with me, while the poor woman had taken me shopping to buy me stuff 😳 I could see how hurt she was, even as she bravely acknowledged I was going through 'teenage individuation'.

I'm sorry for your hurt feelings It'll only last a few years.

I remember doing the same to my mum. I was walking a few steps ahead of her and passed a classmate who asked "is that your mum" and I said no and carried on walking. She must have been so hurt but didn't show it. Unbelievable how much of a little madam I was.

ahdlfj · 12/02/2025 20:40

Their behaviour is completely normal for teens. My youngest DD likes spending some time with us but wouldn’t want to go away unless we had planned it together.

I vehemently disagree that it's normal for teens (especially as young as 14) to not want to go away with parents, that certainly isn't my experience as a parent, a teen nor indeed what I see looking at family and friends around me. I understand not wanting to go out locally if, god forbid, another teen sees you with your parents, but all the teens I know are game for fun, be that theme parks, holidays, outdoor pursuits etc.

Moonlightstars · 12/02/2025 20:41

Spottyshirt · 12/02/2025 18:30

The fact a child is autistic and doesn’t want to eat in front of other people doesn’t mean she doesn’t join for family dinner time and instead eats alone all meals in her room

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You very obviously don't know what you're talking about so I would step away from the thread.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 12/02/2025 20:48

Not sure it's fair on your teens to be trying to conceive a baby to land right before their GCSEs. Surely as a teacher that's obvious? They'll need your support more than ever.

WonderingWanda · 12/02/2025 20:49

Hi op. I have a 15yp son and I've managed to find some box sets to watch with him. We enjoyed the Alex Ryder set and Outer Banks. He has taken me mountain biking (which I hated but grinned and said it was great) and we've done things like Go Ape. Generally he will do anything for food.

My dd is only 12 but likes doing face masks, nails and pamper sessions at home. We also do crafts like hand made greetings card, jewellery making.

It's hard to find joint activities they like. Do either of them have hobbies or sports? I wonder the right group might help your dd build some peer relationships. Mine both swim with a club and they enjoy a bit of socialising but it's not too much pressure e.g having to be best mates / arrange anything.

ozyin · 12/02/2025 20:50

They're just being normal teenagers. You've got to just roll with it. My Mum used to force me to do stuff when all I wanted to do was stay at home. I was determined to never do that to my children. My youngest DD stopped wanting to do stuff with me in the school holidays (I was also a teacher), in the 6 weeks holidays between finishing primary and starting secondary. It made me quite depressed for the whole of that holiday. But then, I started the new academic year, and it hit me that I didn't need to stay in teaching any more because my children didn't need me any more in the school holidays.

So, I pulled myself together, took up a new hobby, got a new job outside of teaching in tech/data, which I absolutely love, much less stress, WFH, which means I am now around when they come home after school needing help navigating friendship issues. I also started going on group walking holidays, just booked myself on them, since no one else in my family wanted to go. DH not into walking either, so I just thought fuck the lot of them, I'm going anyway.

And then, lo and behold, a couple of years later, younger DD expressed an interest in going hiking with me, so I booked a couple of days in the Lake district, and we've never looked back, she's 14 nearly 15 now, and she's my walking buddy, enjoys our hikes as much as I do and we book a couple of days away most school holidays, it's great!

MysticCatLady · 12/02/2025 20:51

Have a look at rejection sensitive dysphoria:

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOoqY3CtCVy5yMjiFxue0ugJf7FRwl05IzxKaX-HwE6swg8feTR9F&amp