to hate the fact my teens don’t want to do anything with me

[OldMargaret]

14 year old twins
DS and DD
Very different in personality but no major clashes largely because they don’t spend much time together ( by their choice )

I am a teacher so around all half terms and enjoy spending time with them yet the last year or so has been hideous with me dragging them out to be met with moans the entire day

My DD is autistic and finds it hard to socialise so is heavily reliant on me yet seems to dislike me most of the time

DS is gaming mad and would never leave his bedroom given the choice

I’ve booked Longleat safari park with a sleepover in a treehouse as a half term treat as they both love animals so at least that’s a common interest and the look on their faces was like I had given them the worst news they’ve ever heard!

Anyone else understand how horrible this is?

Friends don’t seem to know what I’m talking about!

This is very normal teen behaviour, honestly.

Yes but as I said she then complains the entire time of being bored and asking me what I am going to do about it

Sometimes I’ve had to just book something and hope for the best and it’s paid off

Obviously nothing out of her comfort zone but we’ve been here before so she knows the set up

I think this is pretty normal for teens. They suddenly just want their own company and their friends and their parents are no longer the centre of their world. I went through this with both my daughters. They no longer wanted to do much with me for a few years once they got to this age but heading towards adulthood and they came out the other side. But its pretty hard when, like I did, you are close to your kids and otherwise would do heaps of fun stuff together. It felt a little like rejection at times and it did make me feel a bit sad now and again.

Hang on in there, I promise they will come back to you in a few years. My DD's are adults now and we are closer than ever and they are my besties.

Let her complain then. Her boredom isn't your problem to solve.

You don't need to "book something and hope for the best" at all. Let them make their own entertainment and find their own activities.

I don’t think I’ve explained well here so apologies

My DS is so unmotivated he honestly wouldn’t leave his room for the whole half term and just game which I can’t allow him to do - it’s not healthy for him

DD has a few friends at school but never ever wants to see them out of school so whilst they pulling away from me is completely normal teen behaviour, it isn’t being replaced with other normal teen behaviour like hanging out with friends so that’s why I then feel I need to be around and to entertain as they’re not independent in that way at all

Food is a big big factor for DD and no amount of therapy has helped her with that so advice is to allow her to eat alone which of course impacts every meal / day out / holidays

Neither of them sound particularly happy generally OP

whats school like for them?

OP, they're teenagers, they're not primary aged.

Even if your DD has autism, she doesn't need to be entertained constantly. Let her be bored. Let your DS game. You don't need to enforce all these activities. They're not little kids anymore.

Do you eat together as a family?
What did you do over the summer holidays?
presumably you limit your son’s gaming usage?

Like I say mine are same age older but… I feel that if you’ve put the work / time in when they are young them that lasts into the teenage years. The basis is there. My teens don’t really want to spend much time with us doing anything but the bond, forged during the baby / toddler / tween years when we did hang out together is still there.

are you lonely Op? It’s just you and the kids a lot of the time, and you are stuck trying to entertain two teens, one of whom doesn’t actually want to be entertained, and one who says she does but only because she’s struggling to move forward socially?

Does your DD have friend to spend time with in the holidays? Can you facilitate that in some way?

I wish that had been my experience.

Why don't you just let them do what you know they like doing and leave them to it? A lot of people would be happy at the thought of their kids entertaining themselves for cheap.

You obviously don't need to be around to entertain, they just want to be left to it. Is it a problem with your needs not being met? Maybe socially, or because you feel stuck in the house and want to get out and about more yourself?

Having another baby will just mean you have the same problem again in another 14 years.

Longleet with a stopover in a tree house for age 14 is an example of something most 14 yr olds would feel too old for. Maybe try and find something they want to do. Just lunch in town, cinema maybe

are you lonely Op?

I think @rickyrickygrimes has it - you sound lonely OP. Your husband is away and your teens don't need you anymore, so you're trying to fill a void.

I think you have to be led by them and meet them in their area of interest. Over the years I've been 'interested' in snow boarding, ballet, thrash metal, Marvel, weight training, reptiles, Beyoncé and football. I've asked questions, listened and learned, instigated conversation on the subjects and arranged activities around them. You have to go slowly so you don't seem like you're intruding on their thing, but it worked well for me in keeping connections.

That's a shame, Longleat safari etc sounds great!
What i learnt was to run things by them . They're at that age where they can seriously spoil a day out with moods.

School is hard for them in different ways
DS is outgoing and sociable but struggles academically
DD finds the work easy but doesn’t enjoy a lot of the socialising aspects

Both very well supported in a very small school and DD has an EHCP

I shouldnt be lonely - I’m very very busy as a teacher and have a lot of lovely friends however I feel my only time I was truly “ content “ was when the kids were little and we spent a lot of time together

I think it's a bit unwise to book stuff for teens at that age without talking to them first about what they want to do. It's better to let them have some input into the planning.

Might it perhaps be easier to find things that you can do 1:1 with each dc separately? If they don't spend much time together usually, they might find it a bit of a chore to have to do the same stuff as each other.

That's not a very helpful post, considering the OP booked something she thought her kids would love and they're not happy 🙄

I shouldnt be lonely - I’m very very busy as a teacher and have a lot of lovely friends however I feel my only time I was truly “ content “ was when the kids were little and we spent a lot of time together

But life doesn't stay the same forever. Your children are teenagers now and need a different relationship with you than the one they had when they were little.

Have you ever read anything properly in your entire life? You’ve probably made the op feel like shit because of your absolute glee at the thought of catching her out on being pregnant, when she’d lost the baby. And now you’re telling her she should be having dinner as a family when she’s already explained her daughter won’t eat in front of people. Read properly before commenting ffs!

The fact a child is autistic and doesn’t want to eat in front of other people doesn’t mean she doesn’t join for family dinner time and instead eats alone all meals in her room

Oo get together with your friends
talk to them about how you’re feeling

Totally get it op. Hang in there. Everyone tells me they will come back. I hope so.

Thank you

Take the gaming console away. It seems to be the new normal that it’s ok for our kids to be attached to screens and waste their entire lives on these fucking devices. You could easily get a kid away from a book 20 years ago for a chat.