to hate the fact my teens don’t want to do anything with me

[OldMargaret]

14 year old twins
DS and DD
Very different in personality but no major clashes largely because they don’t spend much time together ( by their choice )

I am a teacher so around all half terms and enjoy spending time with them yet the last year or so has been hideous with me dragging them out to be met with moans the entire day

My DD is autistic and finds it hard to socialise so is heavily reliant on me yet seems to dislike me most of the time

DS is gaming mad and would never leave his bedroom given the choice

I’ve booked Longleat safari park with a sleepover in a treehouse as a half term treat as they both love animals so at least that’s a common interest and the look on their faces was like I had given them the worst news they’ve ever heard!

Anyone else understand how horrible this is?

Friends don’t seem to know what I’m talking about!

I recommend this...

This is hard but really normal, op.

You don’t need to lay on lots of treats and outings but I agree that if they’re just on screens all day, it’s good for them to do other things too. Have you tried talking to them about what they’d like to do- shopping trip, cinema? Might not be the same for both but they’re old enough to leave one behind.

Keep it low key so that if it is a failure, you haven’t spent thousands and built it up into a huge thing.

Also remember that teens sometimes come across as if they’re grumpy and disengaged even when they’re actually not. Lots of times
my YA kids have reminisced about great trips we’ve done and how much they enjoyed them, when my memory is that they sulked the whole time 😂 They don’t always show their appreciation when and how they used to when they were little. They also still really need you so don’t read an arsey demeanour as meaning there is no role for you any more.

The car is a good place for chats- something about sitting side by side makes it less combative.

Are you capable at all of reading the room? Do everyone a favour and just stop talking

I would have boundaries for the gaming, my DS would not be spending all day every day of half term in his room gaming. I'd be telling DS he will come on the trip and enjoy it or I'm turning the WiFi off for the rest of the holiday!

I'm sure they will enjoy it when they get out of the house and you get there.

My 13 year old is getting like this too - l am letting nature take its course and giving her freedom to do her own thing - l love having time to myself so she knows l am about if needed but not assume l am here to hand out money and give lifts just when it suits !

Thank you as sadly it absolutely does mean this

She has misophonia so can’t stand a lot of sounds but the sound of other people eating is what would send her over the edge

I'm with you here. Three of mine are lovely considerate young adults. The 16 yo spends minimal but some time with me. Needs to know I'm here, her life is school and friends and that is pressured as is my life and job. I do my own thing but continue to suggest things she might join in on, rarely taken up. Hang on in there. Navigating teens can be difficult at times but I am sure being a teen is more difficult. All their energy goes on that

Mine are adults now, boys 2 years apart. They always got on well.
The halcyon days were from 6 to 11 when I looked forward to school holidays and we did so much together.
Once teenagers it does change and take more effort. I'm sure you will find that once you get there and they are away from gadgets etc they will love it.

My tip would be to only arrange activities that they would like regardless of whether you want to do them. I hate bowling and go karts but did all that kind of thing because it's rewarding when they're having fun.

Perhaps lay some rules for gaming, time limits for school days or holidays?

I do have these boundaries but am then met with a stroppy DS who then wants to watch TV all day like that makes it any better!

Hence why I have to arrange stuff

I hate gaming and the effect it has on children and teens 😡 I know that isn’t all your problem, but it does make boys anti-social and sullen IMO. If it’s not too late, I’d lie and tell them that you/neighbour is having the internet upgraded and so it won’t be on at all those days, which was why you’d kindly paid for a special treat for them.

My oldest used to moan about every single treat at that age, but did (grudgingly!) admit to enjoying it after. Push ahead and try to screen out their moans.

Mine also has misophonia which makes family meals intolerable to them

My children all hated eating as a family when they were teens ! I didn’t force it and they are now sociable ,successful adults.
OP pick your battles,it will get better as they mature and gain confidence.

It’s very very hard so you have my condolences

I too hate gaming but when I take it away what am I replacing it with if everything I suggest is refused?

Why do you feel like you have to arrange stuff?

Can't you just take away the gaming/TV and let him figure out how to entertain himself?

Ahh I'm envious. I can't even pop to Tesco without my lot phoning me asking me where I'm going and mine are in their 20s 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's never been the norm for me, mine have always wanted to come out with us.

You are using ovulation sticks and tested positive mid Jan. It's sad to hear it was a chemical pregnancy, but you are actively trying to get pregnant - not "considering" whether to have another.

I think you need a bit of therapy tbh - your kids are naturally going to want to spend less time with you as they grow, and having another baby to fill that hole isn't the answer.

DS and DD were both that way from 14-15/15.5.
They did get better. DD17 isn’t all the way there yet, but happy for late night chats in the kitchen, shopping trips (even the supermarket) or meals out. She’s also begging for a girls holiday just us two.
DS18 calls for a chat on his walk home from work, helps me carry shopping/ do tip runs, comes on dog walks sometimes. Both will happily go ice skating/ climbing etc.
During the 14-15 timeframe it was basically a case of waiting for them to emerge from their rooms, and offering non-local cinemas/ activities so their mates didn’t see them!

They’re 14 and don’t like being around each other - the problem isn’t you necessarily. If they’re chalk and cheese then they’ll drive each other nuts.
At 14, my worst nightmare probably would have involved x days of my mum and sibling in any environment. Especially one that will probably mostly involve other much younger children.
I’m sorry to hear about your chemical pregnancy OP and I’m sorry that you feel lonely. Loneliness seems to be a theme of the late 30s/early 40s whether we have family or not.

Gently, but especially if you’re somehow framing it as an answer to feeling lonely, I’d think carefully about how your twins would react to another baby being in the house as they hit GCSE age and with ND in the mix.

I feel for you op
guess you just gotta keep on what your doing
what about beach holidays do they enjoy them ?

this did make laugh a lot tho!!

“I’ve booked Longleat safari park with a sleepover in a treehouse as a half term treat as they both love animals so at least that’s a common interest and the look on their faces was like I had given them the worst news they’ve ever heard!”

teens eh !!

You need to understand that teenage kids don't want to spend time with their parents! They want to do what THEY want to do, not what YOU want to do! You're trying to use them as companions for yourself - DON'T!

You can spend quality time with them in the house or even just going on a quick walk around the block. Short bursts of activity work best in teens rather than all day. They are tired off school let them chill.

After that my DH has been away and will be until March so we haven’t been “ trying “ and I’ve been considering whether to continue trying when he returns or not so at the moment I’m not actively trying no

They sound like normal teenagers OP. I think you need to find a new hobby or something else to occupy yourself. How about rescuing kittens?

Honestly, it will improve. One with ASD, one ADHD, all three turned into antisocial hellions who'd rather die than be seen with me. ASD kid also had food issues and family meals or dining out was an horrific ordeal; gaming was default option for two of them.

By 17 they were much better, and as late teens to mid twenties they are amazing people who actively choose to do things with us. In fact, if we go to a film without them they get rather stroppy that we didn't wait for them to be free as well.

DH also worked away. I established daily No Screen times during the holidays when the wifi was off - from 1pm to 4pm. They did other stuff, painted warhammer models, baked, cut each other's hair (oh god, that was quite the afternoon!), read, messed about, and generally had to find things to amuse themselves with 3 hours out of 24 during the holidays.

I had a jar with jobs in - anyone mentioning boredom had to take a slip of paper out and do that job. This included me, to their amusement. It stopped the endless moaning during the holidays as no one wants to clean the bathroom or empty the bins.

Hang in there. What they ar like now is not what they will be like always. They are pulling away because they need to become separate people.