to hate the fact my teens don’t want to do anything with me

[OldMargaret]

14 year old twins
DS and DD
Very different in personality but no major clashes largely because they don’t spend much time together ( by their choice )

I am a teacher so around all half terms and enjoy spending time with them yet the last year or so has been hideous with me dragging them out to be met with moans the entire day

My DD is autistic and finds it hard to socialise so is heavily reliant on me yet seems to dislike me most of the time

DS is gaming mad and would never leave his bedroom given the choice

I’ve booked Longleat safari park with a sleepover in a treehouse as a half term treat as they both love animals so at least that’s a common interest and the look on their faces was like I had given them the worst news they’ve ever heard!

Anyone else understand how horrible this is?

Friends don’t seem to know what I’m talking about!

Suggestions:

Tell DS he can have some friends round for a sleepover

Offer to pay for the cinema for him and some friends

Do they like plays? Musicals? I'm assuming a treehouse at longleat is quite expensive so you fo have some budget for this.

Could also have a conversation where you say "I don't want you to be gaming all day and we have X amt of money what do you want to do?"

I'm just going to ask the question OP. Are you absolutely certainly that your DS isn't autistic too?

You say he's sociable and struggles academically - but also isn't keen on meeting up with friends in half term etc, which suggests he's not as sociable as described?

I have 15 yr old twins, also a boy and a girl. Both are autistic too so I completely understand the challenges, including finding suitable activities. My two also very unreasonably like to do very different things and have wildly varying needs. So inconsiderate of them 😂

I find teenagers need space, to know you're there when they're ready, and to know that they're loved even when they might be pushing you away. I read on here once that you need to keep on loving your teenagers throughout these difficult years,and though they might seem distant and indifferent, this is when they need your love the most!

I also think that our generation of parents is a bit of a limbo group. We use tech in our daily lives but weren't completely absorbed by the digital world when we were growing up - so we have been conditioned to think of screens as "bad". And you'll certainly see that view a lot here on MN.

I don't necessarily agree. Children can develop skills through the use of screens and it can be a way to stay connected socially. People talk about screens being "bad" but often they're not entirely sure why. Screens actually provide loads of benefits - and I say this as someone who prefers paper books, not screens!

They're particularly helpful for neurodivergent children.

Having said that, I agree fresh air and exercise are important. I just think that you might be giving off an air of disapproval about gaming and screens, and if that's the case, it will drive a bit of a wedge. Like a PP said, it's about getting interested in what they're interested about. And at that age staying in a treehouse might be deeply unappealing - but give it 10 years and they'd enjoy it again! Teens are funny years as the DC are finding out who they are while their hormones are going crazy. They're often desperate to avoid anything that seems uncool.

We enjoy movie nights at home. Me and DD craft together - not joint projects, just sort of being in the same room doing the activity. Might have a TV show on in the background. Just really low-key activities that I know they enjoy and don't seem forced.

You talk about their dad going carting with DS - by any chance, is he the "fun parent" and you're left with the drudgery?

I'm just going to ask the question OP. Are you absolutely certainly that your DS isn't autistic too?

I was actually going to ask OP if she thought she might be autistic, ha.

So you didn't ask them but still booked it and are now wondering why they didn't jump up and down with joy ??
Please discuss things with them and ask if there's anything they would like to do, at their age they are certainly allowed an opinion. If they want to sit on their backsides then so be it...why waste your time and energy on something that they won't enjoy...

@OldMargaret my 14 year DS old loves gaming and would spend all day and night gaming but that's not good for his MH! Gaming has caps on it.

I'm a teacher so have school holidays so I usually take him and a friend out to do something rather than just him. Ninja Warrior or trampolining or climbing.

We also then book sports courts and play tennis or badminton or something!

I then have 9 year old twins, one of whom is autistic, so they have very different ideas of what is fun! I pay DS1 to babysit the other one and take them out separately!

We often make a joke of doing something FUN that doesn't involve screens. UNO is always a big hit despite complaints.

This half term I have proposed that we spend a day building as many lego sets as possible.

DS1 only has screen time if he has fun doing other stuff too so he us improving at joining in with stuff.

Ha! Well, actually that occurred to me too but I didn't want to fully open up the can of worms 😂

I've a 15 yo, 17yo & 23yo (who has his own family now).

I found Escape Rooms were an amazing way to spend time together. You're with one another, working together but there's no focus ON anyone. It's up to an hour of really good quality family time with no one else around (& no eating - misophonia sucks!).

We game together but I've also always had an interest so make sure to keep up with what's going. This means the 17yo can chat with me about stuff, popping in throughout the evening to update us where he is in a game or what's happened.

Board games by ppl like Big Potato Games. Not stuffy ones (though I bloody love stuffy things like scrabble & boggle). Get loads of snacks in (bags of Revels are fun cos everyone gets to be upset when they pick out the wrong flavour).

Daily puzzles - things like wordle, connections, whatever. Have a WhatsApp for the 4 of you & dad can join in whilst he's away. Just drop your results in there & make it a thing. Mine will often update the group during the day whilst at school/college.

These are all really good ideas. You can also teach them to play poker, which is a life skill 😉

This is what we sort of do - lower key day or even just morning stuff not that far away- though two of ours did start doing things with friends other one really hasn't - though will do occasional things with siblings.

Eldest did get stroppy as as PP said ignoring and riding it out for the day was best. Hoilday could be especailly hard with her - other two were so much easier. Other two don't object to doing things with us - or just me - but they do get
plenty of time to do own things as well as they do have indoor hobbies - sewing, art, coding,reading or art kits which obviously make it easier on me - will also still at 17 and 15 bake with me on occaasions.

The gaming son setting limits is fine - perhaps see if there are youth/social groups they could go to obvioulsy less an option for DD and the eating issue is a huge constraint.

It's hard and it should get easier with age - but I do think there a "you" issue in there as well. I get it - happiest I have ever been was when kids were young - but I have tried to have things for me and for us as a couple to look forward to - little and large as years go on and as house starts to empty and I suddenly have time.

Chances are a baby number 3 won't want to do anything with you either as a teen
I'd definitely not have booked something so expensive without asking first, though.

Can you get your money back if you cancel?

We enjoy movie nights at home. Me and DD craft together - not joint projects, just sort of being in the same room doing the activity. Might have a TV show on in the background. Just really low-key activities that I know they enjoy and don't seem forced.

This is also what we do - also cats - many conversations these days revolve round our two cat.

Though without food it can be hard to get 17 and 14 down for films these days - though odd TV series can do it - well at least with them and me - less so DH.

If one is autistic, the other into gaming, why don’t you take them to a Comic-Con or something like that? It’s depressing that teens don’t like the things they used to enjoy, I feel you, but it is fun to step back and watch them enthusing about something they are really into even if you don’t get it yourself.

I've tried to learn poker, & so many other card games, and I just can't remember the rules lol.

We do play King Queen, Bum, Scum - it's the only one I don't need explaining to me every time 😂

Im 50 and would enjoy tree house cottage and visiting around Longleat. Been there with my au pair family once. I separated and visited around by myself, loved it

Well, your trip sounds a nice replacement. If they continue to moan, could you use a little bribery/encouragement by promising them each something smallish that they want?

When you’re at home, I’d set limits to the gaming. My DS usually goes mad when I tell him time’s up and he stomps off to his room, but when I’ve crept up later to see if he’s ok, he’s usually reading or doing something that he’d forgotten about - Lego, building, electronic stuff.

I take my gaming mad autistic son to Comic Con, I actually love going there too. He hates crowds, but somehow loves it there, maybe it's the costumes? I even saw him hug a stranger!!! I have smart tag him though, otherwise I'd probably lose him. We've been going since he was 14, he's 19 now and probably just about grown out of it.

There are Comic Cons all over the country of all different sizes, some concentrate more on computer games, some on sci-fi, some on board games, some on marvel type stuff, etc.

You can get conventions on all types of stuff, animal shows is another thing if you have a child that's into rabbits or cats, etc.

Some v pointless smug posts here..really why come on a thread like this to say your kids love hanging out with you.

I have an autistic child and also a gaming mad non autistic one so I feel your pain op!

I get it...you want your children to do things and enjoy life and are trying to expand their boundaries.

I don't have any answers but I think thr whole thing sounds normal.

It's a shame gaming is so ubiquitous ..would your son go and meet friends if you just set timing rules

I have to agree with this.

As a parent, you have to 'parent them' differently at different stage of their lives.

OP you're not alone with the accusation of 'taking away my gaming time'. My 14 y o DS has said the same. He has ASD and also hates surprises. He gets a lot of surprises because he doesn't bloody listen!!!!

You are a teacher so you know the score. One day when they get closer to 20 you will get to chat to them again. In the mean time don't book anything for them. Booking such trips is more for you than them so don't bother.
I was in a local group and would often chat to a lady that had moved to our small village a few years before, one day on an annual dental trip in the local town,i had my 3 teens in tow, she was shocked as she had only ever seen me with my daughter and was shocked to realise i had Sons as she had never seen me with them in all the time she had lived in the village.
Teens don't want to be friends with us ancient ones.

I think most kids " leave " their parents at some point in their teenage years and then come back later. It would be a bit odd if they didn't want to go their own ways. They're meant to be working out who they are and they don't want to be joined at the hip to their parents. I honestly wouldn't stress at all.

My eldest was a nightmare in her late teens. She's settled down now.we share clothes. Same taste in lots of stuff. We aren't Uber close but we're rooting for each other.

It'll be fine. Give them space. Best wishes.

It sounds hard op. I think all of this ‘normal for teens’ isn’t true either. While my two teen girls prefer hanging out with their friends to me (for real 🤣) I’m still second best at least and they will do stuff with me. They also still do a couple of clubs outside school which is good.

In terms of trips away we’ve kind of evolved a bit - dd1 bizarrely does like hiking so we still do a bit of that, dd2’s happy once we get away. But we’ve also done more city breaks/ Bournemouth-type places than I’d personally choose.

It sounds very hard with DS and the gaming though and the two of them also sound less compatible to each other than my two.

@OldMargaret this is why you have to change your name. People on here always end up doing 'research'.

Mum to teens and teacher here; I have booked us a trip over half-term. They are kicking their heels a little but I know from experience that they will enjoy it when we are there.

And later ... they'll be reminiscing about how great it was and they'll be telling their friends ... (despite their initial moaning which they will have completely forgotten)

So drag them out and make them see the world/live life. And in a few months' time, they'll be harking back to it.

@OldMargaret

cancel the trip Op and book yourself into a spa! 🥂