To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

That's awful! Interrupt his work so he is less inclined to work at home?! How horrible. It's his home too, he has just as much right as the OP to be there. If she is struggling with him being in his home I would suggest she goes out and has a walk!

As far as I know, I'm NT. But I totally get it.

I do think true extroverts, like someone else on this thread pointed out, really really struggle to understand the need to be alone. My mother and two siblings are all textbook extroverts and they really don't get it. They SAY they do, but, for example, if as a teenager I went off to my room, one of them would be in there after 30 minutes going, "haven't you had enough time alone now - you're isolating yourself".

I’m NT but I 100% understand where the OP is coming from. Those who can't relate and suggest going out instead or criticise just don’t understand so can’t put themselves in OP’s shoes (or rather slippers).

I totally understand. I’m so happy to have alone time.

Unacceptable, tell him to blur his background or be off-camera. He can't just unilaterally take over the entire downstairs for hours at a time.

He needs to position himself differently so that you can access the kitchen. When I’m working from home in the dining room/kitchen, DH can easily walk through and use the kitchen without being on screen.

And I had a word about the loud voice in meetings. DH likes to keep the office door open but if the loud voice starts and I can hear it through my closed door, I go upstairs and shut his door pointedly.

And people wonder why employers want their staff back in the office.

I suspect OP wasn't employed with the intention of doing the odd hour or two of work and then focusing on some alone time because her husband annoys her.

I'm in a slightly different situation but the emotional impact is the same - I have children 50% of my week, and work full time. I don't live with DP and so while he gets alone time while my children are here, he then wants to spend all my child free time with him. And I do enjoy his company, but I need time to myself with an evening of nothing and no one to think about or cater to. But I feel guilty by making him have yet another evening on his own (he already gets 3 a week).

agreed!! OP, challenge this today! He can mute for a short time e while you make drink. I don’t expect DH to go for 2 hours without a drink when I’m in a meeting. Surely he’s not speaking constantly?!!

No I was employed based on me delivering all my work in the timeframe requested. Which I have done

Year’s ago I had a friend who was a total extrovert. Whenever she was on her own in her flat she would invite us all over because she said she hated being alone (ever). I couldn’t relate to that anymore than some people can’t relate to OP. I did wonder though if it was a combination of her being very sociable and an only child.

He needs to position himself differently so that you can access the kitchen. When I’m working from home in the dining room/kitchen, DH can easily walk through and use the kitchen without being on screen.

He doesn't, he just needs to blur the background or use a different background.

This is such a strange attitude to have about your husband

I really don’t understand why people here are so confused what is the difference if he is home since you have to work anyway (even if you have a full day on at work)..i love wfh when no one is home (doesnt happen often) i can have anything i want in the background- tv or music, loud or quiet, enjoy my lunch on the sofa without anyone around.
besides that i also love to have house to myself LITTLE BIT, and if i was looking forward to it and my husband changed plans in the morning i would be annoyed too🫣
i totally understand OP @CitadelofRicks

do you think your husband would understand you need that time sometimes to yourself and maybe he can go in on the days you know you are not that busy?

i also love my husband and kids and dh is a great help at home. Its not like he bothers me at home but i just have a need to be alone at home from time to time, its like a reset for me.

Easy to spot the armchair psychologist too!

I'm ND. I am an ambivert. I like alone time. I WFH. I share my home with my husband. He doesn't have to run it by me if he decides to stay in his own home. I do not pout and sulk if he changes his plans re going into the office.

You can be ND and still not expect the world to revolve around your needs.

you're probably right. Some introverts dont' get it and some extroverts don't. I've seen threads on here where people are very judgemental of friends who like to be busy and with people all the time.

I couldn't BE like an extrovert, but I get it. And I don't judge them. I probably would get frustrated if they expected ME to fulfil all their extrovert needs, but as long as they don't, that's fine. I have had friends in the past who can be difficult to meet up with or to meet up with alone becuase they are so scared of being alone they ram as much into their days/schedules as possible but as long as they don't give me a hard time for saying, "actually, sorry, I can't do dinner with 12 people, AGAIN" it's fine!

Armchair phycologist? Please. It's called a light hearted comment ffs.

He or you need to find a co working centre locally and pay for it - if his job involves a lot of confidentiality then maybe it would be better even with a very small closed off office- your arrangement I can see is totally unsatisfactory in a very small home -

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse. There is something about being alone in the house when generally it has your partner and kids in it. I would have a chat with him over dinner and explain what you were looking forward to and what you need - not want - and ask that he stick to the plan where possible, or go into the office when you have a mostly clear day.

I don’t think it’s a neuro diverse thing at all, I was talking to a couple of people last week and we all agreed we love some time alone at home. Although I’d question it if you’re supposed to be working , surely you need the time when you’re not working.It does sound like you have one of those work from home jobs which doesn’t seem to involve a full days work 🤔

but as both have equal "WFH", that's fair. Its' not like one demanding exclusive WFH but expecting the other one to trek to the office.

I can't imagine being at my desk at home, and my DH popping up whining "but you could be in the office! (true) can you just .. not be HERE! It's bad for my mental health, I am so upset I don't have the house to myself to "work", its my HOME. I am not telling you what to do, but WHYYYYY " 😂

I would tell him to find a home for himself if that was such an issue 😂
and possibly to find another wife who could put up with the childish whining

I'm similar and DH WFH all day and has done for 15 years. I used to love it when he went to client premises for a week every three weeks. Also adult DSD is at home most of the time so I'm rarely alone.

When it gets to be too much, I just get in the car and drive. Not anywhere in particular, just drive. When I've relaxed enough to start singing along with the radio, that's when I turn round and drive home.

the workload ebbs and flows. Who cares if the day isn’t always full of work? They set the training tasks so obviously they’re happy with the workload. Why would I contest that when I don’t need to. It’s not like I’d be glued to my screen for 8 hours if I was in the office. I go to work to earn a living I don’t live to work.

I can’t imaging getting so worked up over a situation that has nothing to do with me

This needs changing OP, he needs to move his desk around so the camera isn't facing the doors, or put a partition behind his chair, you need to be able to move through those rooms freely and you will probably feel a little better about him being at home if you had the freedom to go about your day in the background.

People are right that he shouldn't be made to go to the office if he doesn't want to on a particular day, he should have the freedom to choose, but it is really restricting you if you can't even go downstairs to get a drink etc.

For what it is worth, I completely understand where you are coming from, when you work, live and breath with someone 24/7 it is not at all wrong to want some time alone in your house to do as you please without anyone else there, I always go out to work on a Friday.. if I said Friday morning that I was going to work from home in the living room instead, I know for a fact my DH would be slightly disappointed, he wouldn't say anything or make me feel bad, but he would be disappointed to not have the house to himself when he was expecting to.