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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

353 replies

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 09:42

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

OP posts:
BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 12:19

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:13

He has never expressed that need because funnily enough he gets more alone time than me.

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him deciding to stay home instead of going in the office should be a clue...

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:19

Dumbo18 · 12/02/2025 12:18

People are so quick to say you've finished your work you should ask for more. Not every job is like that, there are 5 on our team, we've all basically finished our tasks for the day, nothing else to do apart from keep on top of emails coming in which we all do. Our boss knows this, no more work to ask for. I should imagine the other 4 are watching netflix, tidying up etc. Yes we are overstaffed by probably 1 maybe 2 people but no one is going to pipe up and say hey maybe you should get rid of a couple of us!

Exactly! I don’t understand the fury behind me completing my work early. I’m still online and responding to emails. That’s all I can do. I have no other work to be getting on with.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 12/02/2025 12:19

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 12:11

and what time alone do you give HIM out of curiosity?

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Good question and I agree it should be equal. I do go into the office three days a week and often do things with my friends, such as a day out. My husband doesn't seem to need time alone as much as I do though. I think he's prefers it when I'm around.

Rewis · 12/02/2025 12:19

My sil just sends my brother out and tells him what time he's allowed to come nakc home. We often go see football and when I do the "one more" and he says "yeah, promised to be out till 10" 😃

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:21

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 12:19

him deciding to stay home instead of going in the office should be a clue...

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Nah it’s because it’s winter and he went to bed too late. You seem to really care about his wellbeing. It’s sweet

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 12/02/2025 12:22

@CitadelofRicks Not sure about the software DH uses for his online meetings/calls etc - but does it have an option to change the background behind your DH? In which case you could go into the living room to get to the kitchen quietly and no-one would see you. I know you can do it on zoom and I think you can also do it on Google teams?

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 12/02/2025 12:23

ND here. Time on my own is the greatest thing for me. The second best thing is knowing I’ll get time on my own really soon.

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 12:23

Seeline · 12/02/2025 12:18

@BreezyScroller not everyone needs or wants time on their own. My DH doesn't. That's why he just doesn't get that I do.
It is the time alone in your own home when you can do what you want, how you want, without worrying about anybody else.
Yes - I have hobbies that I go out for. But it's not the same as being able to curl up in a chair with a book, or do some cross stitch without interruption or do the washing up with the radio on full blast to sing along to.
My DH rarely leaves the house unless he goes into the office. He has no need for friends or hobbies. He has no need for solitude. If he is at home he potters incessantly. Doesn't worry about making noise, or doing something in the same room as someone else who is trying to do something else. He always comes to ask if I want a cuppa if he is making one - which is lovely of him, but interrupts my train of thought. He always has to come and have a discussion about lunch. He thinks nothing of doing the washing up whilst I am trying to work in the next door room.
He is the kindest man I know, but he just doesn't get it.

that sound like a complete contradiction.

My DH rarely leaves the house unless he goes into the office. He has no need for friends or hobbies. He has no need for solitude. He sounds pretty solitary to me!

He also sounds a bit clingy but he has no life? If he has no friend, no hobby.

I am all for people entitled to their own space, but he needs to get out more, it's not up to you to provide his only "entertainment".

Notchangingnameagain · 12/02/2025 12:25

I understand.

My DH is going away for 3 nights at the end of the month and I CANNOT WAIT!!

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:25

Silvers11 · 12/02/2025 12:22

@CitadelofRicks Not sure about the software DH uses for his online meetings/calls etc - but does it have an option to change the background behind your DH? In which case you could go into the living room to get to the kitchen quietly and no-one would see you. I know you can do it on zoom and I think you can also do it on Google teams?

We both use teams. The reason I was reluctant to ask about the background is because sometimes it messes up when someone walks by so you never know if you’ll be seen or not. Don’t really want to be perceived when I’m in my oodie 😬

OP posts:
yogpot · 12/02/2025 12:25

Absolutely creased at the bootlickers screaming at you to request more work. It’s not really necessary to be that far up your employer’s arse.

MrsSunshine2b · 12/02/2025 12:26

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:17

Good for you. That’s not our situation either as he doesn’t have to ask for permission since he’s his own man but I’m allowed to be upset if my plans have been changed at the very last minute. I swear some of you are being wilfully obtuse.

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You didn't have to change your plans, you can still do the same thing as you planned to do (hang about watching Bob's Burgers, although I'm not sure what your employer's view on that would be) you just have to adjust to having someone else in the house whilst you do it. I would find it really unreasonable in your DH's position. If the house is too small for you both to comfortably WFH in then that needs to be looked at.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:26

Notchangingnameagain · 12/02/2025 12:25

I understand.

My DH is going away for 3 nights at the end of the month and I CANNOT WAIT!!

Im a little jealous! Enjoy!

OP posts:
Rainingalldayonmyhead · 12/02/2025 12:26

LameBorzoi · 12/02/2025 12:12

You were being very rude.

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And you are being very rude too. All done now?

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 12:26

CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:21

Nah it’s because it’s winter and he went to bed too late. You seem to really care about his wellbeing. It’s sweet

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My replies would be exactly the same if it was about a man or a woman. I find the sense of entitlement from some adults astonishing. I do feel sorry for anyone who is made to feel unwelcome in their own home because their partner feels they have more rights.

Seeline · 12/02/2025 12:27

BreezyScroller · 12/02/2025 12:23

that sound like a complete contradiction.

My DH rarely leaves the house unless he goes into the office. He has no need for friends or hobbies. He has no need for solitude. He sounds pretty solitary to me!

He also sounds a bit clingy but he has no life? If he has no friend, no hobby.

I am all for people entitled to their own space, but he needs to get out more, it's not up to you to provide his only "entertainment".

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He doesn't crave to be on his own - he is perfectly happy having me or the DCs around.
He really doesn't like social situations though.

I know - it makes life difficult.

Diomi · 12/02/2025 12:27

I thought everyone liked having the house to themselves some of the time so I’m surprised by these replies.

Original poster
CitadelofRicks · 12/02/2025 12:30

Anyway I’m off to have an early lunch as he has a call at one.

OP posts:
Achyarms · 12/02/2025 12:31

I get it OP my husband said he would be in the office today but he’s wfh. He comes down at least once an hour to faff and avoid work. I hate it.

some weeks he works from home 5 days a week and he only leaves to go to the gym for an hour here and there. Never sees friends . I just need some space. Sometimes he says he will go to the office and doesn’t and I feel like crying as he hasn’t left the house in 10 days

thornbury · 12/02/2025 12:31

I get it - DH is permanently WFH and has no social life really. We live overseas now so no family here either. His world is me and the dog. My only respite is when he travels for work or gets his hair cut. Even when he goes for a run, it's on the treadmill in the basement! I am out from 6.25am until at least 5pm every day and rarely have the house to myself.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 12/02/2025 12:35

whatawonderfultime · 12/02/2025 11:01

most people blur their backgrounds

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I used to do that when I was working. I had to work in the living room and there was no way I was telling DH that he couldn't walk through his own home, especially as you have to walk through the living room to get to the kitchen and bathroom!

Americano75 · 12/02/2025 12:35

So easy to spot the NT people on this thread.

OP, with you 100%.

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 12:38

Americano75 · 12/02/2025 12:35

So easy to spot the NT people on this thread.

OP, with you 100%.

Ha, it really is! They may as well all be wearing a badge 🤣

BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2025 12:41

Slobberchops1 · 12/02/2025 09:50

If you find having your partner around so a annoying perhaps you should live alone

That’s absolutely not what she’s saying at all, don’t be ridiculous!

OP YANBU. I adore my DP. I am an extrovert. I’m NT. And w I crave just some time alone. I think it’s completely normal.

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 12/02/2025 12:42

My DH and I both get a bit annoyed if the other is WFH on our “day”. Mine are Tuesdays and Thursdays and I want them to myself so I understand!

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