To be annoyed DP hasn’t gone in to the office?

[CitadelofRicks]

I might be a bit unreasonable but I’m so wound up. DP was meant to go into the office today but decided last minute this morning that he couldn’t be bothered and without sounding dramatic, it’s sent me over the edge. Love him dearly but I just want some peace! He’s meant to go in three days a week but it’s not really enforced. I’m fully remote so always at home. I feel like I rarely get time to myself.

If I go visit my family then obviously there’s people there but then he gets the house to himself same if I go meet friends. I get two hours to myself on Saturday morning when he’s at parkrun (if he goes) but that’s super early so I don’t really get to enjoy the alone time if you see what I mean. Anyway the reason I’m so upset today is because I only have one work call in my calendar for half an hour. I started a new role two months ago and this is the emptiest my calendar has been since I started so naturally I was looking forward to really getting to enjoy being alone. I’ve had so many early calls and training starting at 7:30 am due to time differences and I’m just exhausted and talked out.

I know some people hate days when they don’t get the chance to speak to anyone but I love them! They so rarely happen and I’m neurodiverse so desperately need time to decompress every now and then. He’s said he’ll go in tomorrow but my calendar is packed tomorrow so it makes no difference. Obviously I’m not going to force him out of his own home but AIBU to be annoyed. I’m ashamed to admit I had a quick cry in the shower this morning.

Again you’re not getting it. I’m not saying he’s not allowed. I said in my OP I’m not going to force him out of the house. Him going to the office is a suggestion not a demand as I can’t force a grown man to do anything. I don’t see why you’re so annoyed for someone who agrees with me.

We are probably using different definitions of 'extrovert' and 'introvert'. In my definition, an introvert might be sociable but still need to withdraw from company after a while, in order to recharge. Whereas an extrovert recharges by being with other people.

You could be an extraverted introvert so to speak (a social introvert).

This makes sense. I’d say that is what I am. I
enjoy being around friends and family but after I really desire to not speak to anybody for a bit.

I’m with you completely.. Love the house to myself and feel utterly exhausted when the house is full. Am actually dreading retirement for us both…. Husband loves just being at home, all day every day if he could. :(

Okay your overly defensive/aggressive attitude takes me out of this conversation. Good luck.

I am not annoyed, can you understand people can disagree with you without making it a big deal?

I still think you are completely unreasonable. It has to be YOUR way and that's it.

I get it - I think it's a ND thing - and it's possibly also related to your plans changing...? I understand you feeling that way. Gently, it is also a bit unreasonable because it's his home and he has as much right to want to be there as you do, but I think you probably know that and hence why you've hidden how you're really feeling.

It's hard - try and take a breath and give yourself a bit of time. I often find when my plan changes I get very upset but give it an hour or two and I can cope with it a bit better.

I completely understand. Like you, I need time alone otherwise I feel completely frazzled. My DH has an annoying habit of saying he's definitely going into the office then deciding halfway through the morning that he'll work from home after all. Sometimes I could scream!

You don't get it. And your post makes it really clear that you don't get it.

It's not just about alone time, it's about being in your own space, with your own stuff, and peace and quiet. Going for a walk or away for a weekend or to the library isn't comparable and doesn't scratch that same itch.

I couldn't be married to someone who wasn't able to understand or respect that need. It's not about kicking people out of their homes.

By the way, I don't know what the solution is but have you told him you really need time alone for your mental health? I tell my DH this, repeatedly.

Husbands suddenly being at home all day after years of going out to work should be illegal!!! Joking obviously, but I think that women especially if they are used to having the place to themselves, tend to suffer more from their partner suddenly being around all the time.
My DH spends most of him time at home nowadays, and the reason I'm OK with it is that we have a large house each with our own study on different floors. But even then I like it when he goes out!

I completely get what you’re saying and thank you for disagreeing in a non combative way. I have swallowed my feelings for a few months which is why I got so upset today. I can’t remember when I last had a whole work day to myself. I just feel overwhelmed by social contact. We’ve had a busy few weeks socialising/ doing family stuff so I was really looking forward to the house being completely empty today especially when it lined up so well with an unusually quiet work day. If he was remote I would 100% suck it up. It’s the fact he’s meant to go in and doesn’t that irks me. We’ve reached a compromise of at least once a week and I’m happy with that as I don’t want to not see him at all.

but what about the same need for the other person?
That's what you don't get. When we say, it's his home too, it means his own need to be in his own space, in his own quiet.

and what time alone do you give HIM out of curiosity?

You were being very rude.

He has never expressed that need because funnily enough he gets more alone time than me.

He sounds very understanding. If I had to ask my husband's permission to change my work schedule at the last minute or be in my own house, I'd be off like a shot.

@BreezyScroller but nobody is saying that he can't have that, are they?

They're just saying that OP is allowed to be upset because her "alone time" has suddenly been interrupted. Just like she'd be allowed to be pissed off if one of her kids was off sick, or a neighbour started doing DIY.

Maybe you’re an introvert. I am, and I really enjoy solitude. Socialising and “people time” is fine, but then I need a recharge of alone time. It’s not a neuro diverse thing for me.

Similar situation here. I WFH 4 days a week and office 1 day and my partner normally does 1 or 2 days very max WFH. I much prefer having the house to myself but totally get the hypocrisy that my partner doesn’t get that privilege. You’re not being unreasonable to want it but you are being unreasonable to be pushed ‘over the edge’ because you didn’t get it. You need to look at your life if it’s that important to you and maybe plan weekends or other working days differently that you’re not so close to the edge. Perhaps you also haven’t taken any holiday yet in your new job and need a few adhoc days off. That said you still need to be able to switch off if your partner if WFH and I think that’s on you not him. Or perhaps consider going part time or looking for a different role if the new job is too much.

Good for you. That’s not our situation either as he doesn’t have to ask for permission since he’s his own man but I’m allowed to be upset if my plans have been changed at the very last minute. I swear some of you are being wilfully obtuse.

People are so quick to say you've finished your work you should ask for more. Not every job is like that, there are 5 on our team, we've all basically finished our tasks for the day, nothing else to do apart from keep on top of emails coming in which we all do. Our boss knows this, no more work to ask for. I should imagine the other 4 are watching netflix, tidying up etc. Yes we are overstaffed by probably 1 maybe 2 people but no one is going to pipe up and say hey maybe you should get rid of a couple of us!

@BreezyScroller not everyone needs or wants time on their own. My DH doesn't. That's why he just doesn't get that I do.
It is the time alone in your own home when you can do what you want, how you want, without worrying about anybody else.
Yes - I have hobbies that I go out for. But it's not the same as being able to curl up in a chair with a book, or do some cross stitch without interruption or do the washing up with the radio on full blast to sing along to.
My DH rarely leaves the house unless he goes into the office. He has no need for friends or hobbies. He has no need for solitude. If he is at home he potters incessantly. Doesn't worry about making noise, or doing something in the same room as someone else who is trying to do something else. He always comes to ask if I want a cuppa if he is making one - which is lovely of him, but interrupts my train of thought. He always has to come and have a discussion about lunch. He thinks nothing of doing the washing up whilst I am trying to work in the next door room.
He is the kindest man I know, but he just doesn't get it.

I think it’s called an ambivert and I am the same.