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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/02/2025 10:24

@DreamingOfHotPotatoes how did the child get to the activity last week? does the cf expect you to collect her today? do not turn up for her. let the cf figure it out!

Abi86 · 12/02/2025 10:26

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

This was an obvious response from the CF. You made a rookie mistake - thinking a CF will be reasonable. Recovering this is harder than just a hard no to start.

yoy need to be assertive and say you have other commitments and can’t take little cow her kid

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2025 10:26

Your mistake was that you :
1- put it in a group chat so invited all parents to discuss the issue
2- gave the reason so invited other mum to do suggestions.
you should have messaged the other mum privately that you have other plans and can’t give her child lift from the activity. Then notify the group leader privately about the situation, and then smile to the child if questioned and say : No, no Lauren, you are mistaken. You are not coming with us

Exactly this

Stupidly, I hadn't twigged that this was addressed through some "group chat" and never understand why these things can't just be sorted privately, without the need to invite others to pitch in

SoundOfTheUnderground1 · 12/02/2025 10:27

Stand firm, an abrupt 'sorry that doesn't work for me' will put an end to it

Raspberet · 12/02/2025 10:28

LadyKenya · 12/02/2025 09:36

That sounds so wrong, so you took a child home from an activity, without the permission of the Parent?

Stop making things up. Did you not even bother to read the full OP?

Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home

How on earth you've managed to twist that into 'without permission' is beyond me.

SoundOfTheUnderground1 · 12/02/2025 10:29

Or 'I may have been happy to provide a lift again, however x child was incredibly badly behaved last week and injured my child, hence no more lifts.'

Strictlymad · 12/02/2025 10:29

I’d reply privately to say that you were not asked nicely to do this- it was assumed and the child’s behaviour on the journey was unacceptable.
i do think you should say no, but I do wonder why the other parents are so keen to make you do it? Is there some abuse or something you are unaware of?

stopringingme · 12/02/2025 10:29

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Tell them they can take the child home then and see them backtrack.

I think you are going to have to be blunt and just say that you were not asked and anyway if you had of been asked you were not able to commit so they therefore need to make other arrangements or call on the so called village.

LAMPS1 · 12/02/2025 10:29

That was a massive assumption of yours to take parental responsibility without any previous discussion with parents. I wouldn’t have done it OP, unless it was an emergency situation.
The child was in the care of the teacher until handed over safely to the agreed person collecting. You had no such agreement and there was emergency so you actually placed yourself in a precarious position.
I know it’s sad to have to think that way, but this parent is untrustworthy, unreliable as well as cheeky, so please get out of this situation before it goes any further.
You need to let it be known to the teacher and parent, before the next session that you are not be taking responsibility for the child again and are unable to give lifts. You are under no obligation to explain why.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/02/2025 10:30

I think you have to be direct - I wouldn’t call it rude.

You could say - I do have to do my shopping and I’m not prepared to take your child with me. I am trying to be polite but it does not work for me for several reasons- which are private - to take your child.

You shouldn’t have to tell them your child’s diagnosis in order to justify yourself or get into an argument with anyone.

You could go the whole hog and say that the child was badly behaved but tbh you shouldn’t have to!

Takes a village my arse. Why doesn’t she offer turns if that’s the case. Or one of these other parents go out of their way and take him!l?

SoundOfTheUnderground1 · 12/02/2025 10:30

Google Narcissists and flying monkeys, it's a common tactic.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 12/02/2025 10:30

Tell the other 2 parents in the chat 'Unfortunately it doesn't work for us. How about you, can you take it on?'

People seem very willing to volunteer other people's time and money.

Put the chat on mute and ignore any comments for a few days.

I think the 'village' would tell a rude, ill mannered child that if they don't buck up their ideas they will be walking home. It's funny how the 'village' is supposed to be there to do things for children but not teach or remind them of their social responsibilities.

sparkleghost · 12/02/2025 10:30

I would just be straight up OP, I think you’ve made a bit of a rod for your own back by making excuses rather than being honest. She’s obviously a CF so you need to be firm.

Do the other mums know your daughter has autism? If so I’d say “As you know DD has autism & she needs a quiet environment on the way home. Your child was disruptive which really upset her - I’m sure she didn’t mean to, but as such I can’t help. I tried to save your feelings by making an excuse about shopping but I realise now I should have just been honest. I’m sure you’ll understand and if you were in my position, you would put your own child’s needs first too. Some of the other mums seem keen to help, perhaps they can give your child a lift?” Surely there’s not a single parent in that group that could argue against you putting your own DD first!

If they don’t know about DD having autism, and you don’t want to bring DD’s needs into it, then just say in the group: “To be honest, it was a bit of a shock to have that thrown on me in the moment, (name of parent). Do you have the right number saved for me? I never received a message to asking me if I could do it or minded. It made me really uncomfortable dropping your child off to a house with no parents at home if I’m honest too..” - again, it’s a bit more confronting but I don’t see how anybody can argue with that. The other mums might not realise you were never asked directly, in which case it might look like you’re backing out after offering only to do your shopping instead. I’d make it clear that’s not the case!

ClockingOffers · 12/02/2025 10:31

Stop being a wuss and message back
“to clarify, I will not be giving x a lift home either today or at any point in the future and if X abandons her child again, no doubt social services will be interested to know why.”

These people are not your friends. Who cares what they think?

Whyherewego · 12/02/2025 10:32

GoldGuide · 12/02/2025 09:52

Yes, just say "that doesn't work for me. You'll need to organise your own child's journey home."

Show quote history

I'd agree. Or just say that you have a personal appointment and it's not appropriate to have other children along. And give no further details

Mumoftwoboysaged4and5 · 12/02/2025 10:33

ClockingOffers · 12/02/2025 10:31

These people are not your friends. Who cares what they think?

Yep exactly this. Do not give an inch to these people.

Raspberet · 12/02/2025 10:33

theotherplace · 12/02/2025 10:04

How can she be in the front seat but also be kicking the back of your seat?

Anyway, message the mum to tell her it's not convenient - make up that you have another class to go to or something.

It's quite clear. The child 'demanded' the front seat but didn't get it. What's so hard to understand?

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/02/2025 10:34

This is why you don't give reasons, people just challenge them @DreamingOfHotPotatoes.

That doesn't work for me is all you need to say.

Rowen32 · 12/02/2025 10:35

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

So mad on your behalf OP. You need to be assertive. Make it clear you are not willing to give lift.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/02/2025 10:35

Sometimes it’s hard to be brutal because most people in life are genuine and nice. However this woman is behaving terribly! I’d find it very easy to be blunt and rude if needs be.

Sorry - I need to be more clear. I can not give Jack lifts home.

The others are just shit stirring because they love a little argy bargy on WhatsApp. Stand your ground.

Felicityjoy · 12/02/2025 10:36

I’d want to ensure all the others knew you were never asked. "In a village, people speak to each other and ask beforehand if they want a favour from someone else, not just assume that someone else will take responsibility for their child who has been left without a way to get home."
For all they knew, you might have been planning to go shopping/ to Grandma's/out somewhere else on your way home the first time. (You could even pretend that had been the case.)

Having said that, I’d want to check that there is no good reason for the CFery, e.g. a new baby, seriously ill relative etc. It would still make her a CF, but there might be some slight excuse. If you did decide to give the child a lift again, tell her (and maybe her mother) beforehand that it’s on the condition that she sits quietly in the back and doesn't kick your seat.

Rowen32 · 12/02/2025 10:37

Echo previous posters, you can't give weak excuses to people like this, it just gives them ammunition to fight back

sugarapplelane · 12/02/2025 10:40

CF just demanding you take their kid home without even having the decency to ask if it was ok first.

Tell her she’s got a brass neck, she didn’t ask and that it is inconvenient. Ask if she wants to take the kids then and you pick up or vice versa. If she won’t help then tell her where to go.

Or, I would probably just not turn up tonight and take it from there….

theemmadilemma · 12/02/2025 10:40

ILoveRadio6 · 12/02/2025 09:18

I agree with the above post.

Don't give the child a lift again. The people running the activity will have to contact the parents and sort it out. It isn't your problem.

This. Do not make it your problem.

baileys6904 · 12/02/2025 10:41

"I'm sorry, I have some personal stuff on my plate so won't be able to do this"

Stops people pushing further and is generic enough

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