Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:
diddl · 12/02/2025 10:41

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Of course she would say that!

As you realise you shouldn't have taken her in the first place.

If all them others tut & disagree-tell them to sort take the daughter home!

Grammarnut · 12/02/2025 10:42

You should not have taken the child home. This is a massive safeguarding risk for you and the child - who is being taught it is ok to get in a car with a stranger! Don't do it again, just alert the activity organisers that the child has no transport home. Then go home.

quoque · 12/02/2025 10:42

Tempting as it might be to give a brilliantly worded comeback, as you've discovered with the shopping, the more words you use, the more she can turn them back on you.

The only reply needed is "No, sorry."

Saying anything like you'll have to make other arrangements/it doesn't work for us/your child was awful etc. gives her the opportunity to offer solutions to "your" problem.

You're not being rude at ALL saying no.

theemmadilemma · 12/02/2025 10:43

You need Zammo.

NotOnThe · 12/02/2025 10:43

Get a backbone (I'm saying this nicely) or you will have her walking all over you forever.

purplecorkheart · 12/02/2025 10:44

I would actually reply back with given your daughter's poor behavior to both you and your daughter you will not be taking her daughter anywhere.

ilikemethewayiam · 12/02/2025 10:44

Raspberet · 12/02/2025 10:28

Stop making things up. Did you not even bother to read the full OP?

Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home

How on earth you've managed to twist that into 'without permission' is beyond me.

Show quote history

Technically OP took the words of a 10-year-old to be truth without verifying or checking with the parent, therefore technically she didn’t have permission. She just took the child’s word for it and took her home. Something could’ve happened on the journey home and CF could’ve denied giving her permission. Mentioning it to a few other mums isn’t permission. This is why schools and organisations quite rightly have strict protocols about picking up and dropping off.

I personally would never have given her that lift home in the first place. I would’ve said to the organisers that I had prior commitments, no one had asked me and could they please contact the parent directly and ask them to pick their child up. and I would’ve then made it very clear to the parent never to do that again without asking. I absolutely would not have been made a mug of like that.

Ellie1015 · 12/02/2025 10:45

If i was asked nicely to take a well behaved child home I would. However you weren't asked and the child is annoying so yanbu.

Just reply saying "no, that doesn't work for me"

Gall10 · 12/02/2025 10:46

How did they kick the back of your seat if they were in the front….is the activity circus skills?

Rinkytoo · 12/02/2025 10:46

What a massive piss take! Just say aside from what I’ve already said, my child has autism and really needs that time after the activity to decompress, so sorry but I can’t give lifts.
How did this child previously get home?

CynicalSunni · 12/02/2025 10:46

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Just say in the group chat that the child was very poorly behaved and was shoving your daughter so its a no. And you were not even asked in the first place.
Then if the child is left again tell the organisers and theu can sort it.

Or just be annoyed and go along with it.

Rinkytoo · 12/02/2025 10:46

Also the activity leader shouldn’t really be releasing that child over to your care

flappingsoles · 12/02/2025 10:48

OP, be firmer.

‘im sorry, that won’t work for me. As you know, my child is autistic and we need the quiet time together in the car before the craziness of the food shop. Also, I am quite surprised you have just decided I am to bring your child home and told everybody but me it happening. I’m sure you can go back to your usual arrangements of dropping off and picking up’.

Tiswa · 12/02/2025 10:49

Shmee1988 · 12/02/2025 10:01

She's obviously a CF but honestly couldn't get upset about giving a child a lift home once a week if it's in the same direction. Seems such a pointless thing to get worked up about. I'm also curious as to how this child kicked your daughter out of the front seat and still managed to kick your drivers seat?

The OP has a child with SEN this would totally cause mine to spiral and start to refuse to go.

my other child would think was fine and indeed like share lifts if it were a friend

this is neither.

OP I think you just have to say that you are sorry but it isn’t possible

LAMPS1 · 12/02/2025 10:50

Stand firm OP.
Private message not on the group chat.

Please don’t assume I can give your child a lift home again. I can’t commit to that tonight or any other week.
I will let you know if and when it becomes convenient to share lifts and then we can talk about it.
Just to be clear, please make other arrangements to get your child home.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 12/02/2025 10:50

"I wasn't ever asked to give X a lift home last week; it was just announced on here without my knowledge or agreement. When I nevertheless dropped X home, neither parent was home to discuss this with.

X bullied my child and then kicked my seat all the way home. My child is autistic and was upset and unsettled by this.

It might take a village to raise a child, but a parent's primary responsibility is to keep their own children safe. My child needs a peaceful drive home during which they feel safe, and during which I can concentrate on driving.

I therefore won't be giving X a lift home again. It sounds like a few others might be willing to go out of their way to help though? ☺️"

CautiousLurker01 · 12/02/2025 10:51

I’d go to the mum directly and tell her you cannot do lifts home as you actually don’t go home after the activity so will not be passing her home - and had she had the courtesy to ask you this at the outset you’d have told her this.

If she pushes back, state that you are not an uber service and don’t gift lifts to random strangers’ children.

I’d also, before then, drop a note to the activity organiser to explain that there seems to have been an assumption made on the part of this parent and that you will not be taking this child home after the session, so can they ensure that the mother is aware of her responsibility to collect her child. For safeguarding purposes, they will not want a child left in their care because you have not taken them home, so will hopefully step in if needed.

Lulabellez · 12/02/2025 10:51

How was she kicking the back of the seat from the front of the car?
Really weird if you don’t know the parents. How old are they?

custardpyjamas · 12/02/2025 10:52

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

I was afraid she would say that, I bet if you said you were going to a cafe for tea, or to GPs for the evening she would say she'll go there too. They seem not to be home anyway so don't really care where she is. Say you can't cope with another child while out shopping or take that responsibility, dangerous car parks, child wandering off in the store.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 10:52

Gall10 · 12/02/2025 10:46

How did they kick the back of your seat if they were in the front….is the activity circus skills?

She shoved OP's child out of the way to get in the front seat but OP didn't let her. She got in the back and obviously kicked OP's seat the whole way out of frustration due to not getting her own way.

Sunnyside4 · 12/02/2025 10:53

This seems absolutely crazy that a parent would expect you to give their child a lift if they'd never even spoken to you (thinking from a safety aspect, how do they know they can trust you).

Tell venue you have no knowledge of the arrangement and are not able to take the child home. They're not going to be happy with the parent, will have to contact them and they'll have to arrange transport themselves.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 10:55

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Just tell her that her child was so disobedient and badly behaved in the car last week that you will not be taking her food shopping with you so she will need to make other arrangements.

Friendofdennis · 12/02/2025 10:57

Did the child sit in the front as you say or behind you where they were able to kick your seat ?

LookItsMeAgain · 12/02/2025 10:58

Summerdew · 12/02/2025 09:15

Well if she’s left with no one to take her home then you should take her but I’d be getting out of the car and telling her parents it’s a one off as you don’t always go straight home after and it’s inconvenient. If it happens again after that I’d tell her to call her parents as you aren’t going that way.

Feck that!

Go to the organisers of the after school activity (whatever it is) and tell them that you were left in a very difficult position after the activity on X date where the child was under the impression that you would be bringing them home. You have no idea where the child would have gotten that impression as you have never spoken to their parents and no one even asked you whether it might be possible to do this, so as a safe guarding issue, you are bringing it to their attention.

Tell them that you are not able to bring this other child either to the activity or home from it as you have your own child to attend to and it will not be possible even if this other parent asks you. It's just isn't possible.

That should cover your own child's safe space after the activity.
It should also cover the safeguarding that is required here.

If it happens again, I'd bring the child back into the activity hall and hand them over to the organisers. Not your child, not your job to get them home.

Raspberet · 12/02/2025 10:58

Lulabellez · 12/02/2025 10:51

How was she kicking the back of the seat from the front of the car?
Really weird if you don’t know the parents. How old are they?

Where does OP say the child was in the front seat?