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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:
HorrorFan81 · 12/02/2025 10:09

I'd be fuming OP!

Respond ASAP clarifying that the arrangement is causing your child distress so you can't do it anymore. But since the rest of the group have mentioned the village you assume some of them will be able to step up and help

Imisscoffee2021 · 12/02/2025 10:09

I'd also be tempted to say actually last time I did this there was noone home except the lodger, so if you're not available in future other arrangements need to be made.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 12/02/2025 10:09

Mumsnet classic "sorry, that doesn't work for me" and nothing else.

You do not have to explain yourself and you definitely do not need to put yourself out for these people.

Cismyfatarse · 12/02/2025 10:10

I bet you anything she is out somewhere with others in the group. They have a pub night, or meal out and they need you to facilitate their plans. Something is going on here beyond the mass CFukery.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 12/02/2025 10:10

I also have other commitments after the class, not just shopping, I can't commit to giving lifts after each class. Maybe we could take turns and you could bring the children home and drop mine off whilst I do my chores. Obviously, I would be willing to contribute towards travel costs, would that work for you?

If anyone else is willing to help us both out, please shout up.

That would be my response

Nousernamesleftatall · 12/02/2025 10:10

Just message her privately and say it doesn’t work for you as her child misbehaved in your car.

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 12/02/2025 10:11

theotherplace · 12/02/2025 10:04

How can she be in the front seat but also be kicking the back of your seat?Blush

Anyway, message the mum to tell her it's not convenient - make up that you have another class to go to or something.

OP said in her replies that she made the child sit in the back

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 12/02/2025 10:11

Stand firm, the others chiming in can help if they so desire.

GoldGuide · 12/02/2025 10:11

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Just message "thanks for volunteering then, X. That is all sorted".

And just ignore the lot of them, this evening.

PencilWithASharpPoint · 12/02/2025 10:12

I also would be tempted to say I wasn't asked if I could provide a lift and I would have told you when I dropped your child off that this isn't happening again but only the lodger was home. I am not giving your child a lift. It doesn't work for me. Clearly there are others on here who believe in giving lifts so ask one of them to do it.

You have to stop this dead, I would also be notifying the place where the activity takes place that you will not be taking the child home so that they are aware and can follow their procedure for a child not picked up.

cheddercherry · 12/02/2025 10:12

“As I said I can’t commit, but as you said it takes a village so thanks for volunteering to sort this out 👍🏻”

ImmediateReaction · 12/02/2025 10:13

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Leave the group. Don't entertain these cfs

Barrenfieldoffucks · 12/02/2025 10:13

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

I would just say something like, "no, sorry, but quite aside from the fact that I will be juggling the various things that I need to do of an evening, we tend to meet family after for dinner or whatever and that just wouldn't work. I agree that it is nice to help out, but if anyone had asked me I could have told them that I just can't do Wednesdays (insert day here). Perhaps for future terms we set up a lift share rota?"

Coconutter24 · 12/02/2025 10:14

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Then ask because you dropped her child off last week can she drop yours off this week? If it takes a village it has to work both ways

Daleksatemyshed · 12/02/2025 10:14

Don't give in Op, bugger what the other Mum's think. Message again and make it crystal clear, you weren't asked, the other Mum presumed and you don't do weekly favours for people who expect help but never offer in return.

Beamur · 12/02/2025 10:15

Other Mum is total CF.
But this is the consequence of trying to use a polite excuse that a non CF would understand.
You're going to have to be more blunt.
Just say 'no'. You're not offering lifts. Tell the people at the venue when you arrive that you're not giving child X a lift at the end. Get your kid ready and leave.
CF should have been much more polite and asked you properly in the first place and taken a polite refusal

whengodwasarabbit1 · 12/02/2025 10:19

I would simply reply 'I'm sorry but for perdonal reasons this doesn't work for me and my child. Best wishes'.

Psychoticbreak · 12/02/2025 10:19

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Excellent so, that means one of the other villagers wont mind getting off their arses to do it from now on. I have had it with CF's recently myself and at this point I would just be as rude as they seem to be.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 10:19

Shmee1988 · 12/02/2025 10:01

She's obviously a CF but honestly couldn't get upset about giving a child a lift home once a week if it's in the same direction. Seems such a pointless thing to get worked up about. I'm also curious as to how this child kicked your daughter out of the front seat and still managed to kick your drivers seat?

OP said that this child pushed her child out of the way and demanded the front seat. I'm assuming that OP said no and put her own child in front, following which the other child kicked OP's seat the whole of the way home as they were angry about not being allowed in the front.

honeylulu · 12/02/2025 10:19

The "village" comments. Astonishing.

I can't decide whether I would completely ignore or make a barbed response like those suggested above.

I think on balance I would say nothing. If anyone from the group asks you about it in person I would refer to (in this order): distressed autistic child; badly behaved child shoving and kicking your child and you; concern that no parent at home when child returned (safeguarding) and rudeness of parent not asking, thanking or proposing reciprocity which you find intolerable. If they don't accept that they can shove their "village" where the sun doesn't shine.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2025 10:19

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

You don't need to be rude at all - simply tell her this doesn't work for you, ignore completely anyone else who tries to chip in, and if she's unpleasant enough to ask why it doesn't work simply reply that you don't want to do it

DodoTired · 12/02/2025 10:22

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Just say - “sorry, this doesn’t work for my family”. Repeatedly

and just ignore other parents “questioning” you, no response to their messages
if they confront you in person, then repeat the phase above

GoldenLegend · 12/02/2025 10:22

I would guess the CF parent has been expecting other people to give this child a lift every week and they're glad to offload the chore on to you. I would make it clear 1. CF parent didn't have the courtesy to ask you and 2. the child was rude and badly behaved. So it's a no from you.

Uricon2 · 12/02/2025 10:22

Your OP reads as if she's expecting you to take her as well. That's easy, you don't pick her up.

I'm afraid I'd have no truck with this nonsense and send one more clear message that you will be giving no further lifts and that you were concerned that she didn't ask you personally last time and left it to her child.

Also let the group leader know what's happening.

pizzaHeart · 12/02/2025 10:22

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Your mistake was that you :
1- put it in a group chat so invited all parents to discuss the issue
2- gave the reason so invited other mum to do suggestions.
you should have messaged the other mum privately that you have other plans and can’t give her child lift from the activity. Then notify the group leader privately about the situation, and then smile to the child if questioned and say : No, no Lauren, you are mistaken. You are not coming with us.

Now I would answer the village comment in the group chat: Yeah , the village would be very handy…. 🙂.
And then I would tag the other mum with her comment about shopping and answer her that you can’t unfortunately so can’t give Lauren lift back home. And then I leave it at that.
and on the day I would tell Lauren : no, you are mistaken , you are not coming with us.