For not wanting anyone at my sons birthday

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

So my precious little munchkin is 1 soon. It’s such an important moment for me as no one understands what it took to get here. I have another baby who is 2. I handled my pregnancy by myself with no family help not even a phone call asking how we was even though I also had another young child. I am so proud of our little family. There were many ups and downs now it’s time to celebrate making it to 1 year!

I felt the same way with my first (so excited for her first birthday had planned it for months) however her birthday ended up being one of the worst days of my life. We organised a party for both mine and my DH’s families. Both of them made the whole day about themselves, criticised us for not having organised the day better and tried changing our plans. Later, they complained they didn’t have enough to eat and my DH was forced to pay loads to order everyone meals. Some were unhappy so we had to pay even more getting everyone what they desired. It was horrible and I’ll never forget it.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting family at my son’s birthday after this experience? Even after not visiting or helping us throughout the year family automatically assume they should be at my son’s birthday but the day would be a whole lot better without them. I don’t want judgement on what we choose to do or rather don’t choose to do on the day.

How come your DH didn't help with your pregnancy?
As for a party. Not necessary for a baby. Just have a nice time as a small family unit. It sounds like your dds birthday was poorly communicated. Did people think you were feeding them (as is normal at a party?)

Well we went to a restaurant with a play area for kids and most people declined on getting food there although it was available. But when we got back to mine everyone suddenly became hungry. Being the hosts we offered to pay but we had no idea how much of the day would be wasted catering to others instead of focusing on my daughter. She wasn’t even the centre of attention on her own birthday.

And my DH worked long hours or away at the time, including weekends. The first trimester was a nightmare I literally did it myself while feeling like death lol.

I think in this instance you should just do you, op.

My niece’s first birthday is coming up and in the nicest possible way I really don’t care whether my sister decides to host a party for her or not; it’s up to my sister to do what she wants and she certainly doesn’t have to answer to us. But then we’re not the kind of family that gets particularly excited about babies’ birthdays 😆

Ive always been the same before kids. I still am to a degree haha. It’s mostly to support the parents.

You were at a restaurant and they declined to eat and then you had to order 2 rounds of take-out at home later? What a carry on.

I wouldn't think twice about doing your own thing

It was ridiculous and still makes me angry. We ordered a Chinese and pizza spent loads and still after hearing we had a McDonald’s close to us family members still left to go there. Loads of food and money down the drain, my day was ruined as I was so angry and we didn’t even get to sing happy birthday to her.

Tell them you have no intention of another debacle like last year, so you're keeping it to your little family instead.

A restaurant for a one year old's birthday seems excessive.
I would never have ordered take away for the guests.
You can have a birthday cake just with the babies and yourselves, if you please. That would be heaven.

If you want to have a party with a different outcome, plan differently.
Start and stay at your place.
Indicate the start time and the end time on the invitation.
State no gifts if you don't want any.
Organise a birthday cake for a set time and other nibblies set out for the entire time such as crackers, fruit, vegies, dips, toasted cheese sandwiches, made up mixed sandwiches prepared very early in the morning, sausage rolls, mini pizzas.

Out source the catering if you wish, or make and freeze, or ask guests fo each bring a plate.. Whatever but clearly include plans for food on the invitation due to what happened last year.

Have in the back of your mind something to do if some family members over stay or have travelled a long way, such as, walk to nearby park and every one order and pay for their own fish n chips etc. Then you say good bye at the park.

I'd do your own thing on the day but invite family for birthday cake another day "we are having a little get together 2-4pm for tea and birthday cake. Would be lovely to see you!" And gloss over the whole thing. Set the parameters, no one is drinking, everyone gone by 4 so you can feed the children.

This is terrible advice. @Justlivelovelaugheat don’t do this.

just keep it short and sweet. “We are just keeping it private this year”. They are terrible people and you don’t need to suffer them a second time. Especially as the first one they weren’t really interested in your child as well. You know they are shit people. Up your boundaries and have a good time with your family unit. Too many women suffer fools….

you also have a 2 year old
when my youngest of 3 was one we went to a children's zoo for her birthday.
pleased everybody.
no relatives invited

The problem is I have 2 sets of family. My DH’s and my own. I never want to be the type of woman to cause friction amongst my partner and his family nor talk bad about them. It’s really up to him to tell them they are not invited but I don’t think he has the kahunas even though he too was upset with how did birthday went.
Also the kids birthdays aren’t important to him as he doesn’t feel the pride I feel after carrying a child for 9 months then nurturing them to a year. He don’t even remember when son’s birthday is! It’s such a special time for me and I really just want to enjoy it unlike daughters. I could never forgive anyone for making it about them on her day and I don’t want history to repeat itself.

Op the birthdays not being important to him are a red herring. He’s unsupportive and weak if he can’t say anything to his family.
If you give in now you will always give in.
This will happen every year for every birthday of you allow it.

Had you paid for food to be put on at the restaurant? I'm half in agreement with PP who suggested miscommunication. I'm wondering if they turned up expecting food (as is usual) and found they were expected to pay restaurant prices to eat? What did they say you hadn't organised well enough/try to change from your schedule?

And then back at yours - did they request chinese and pizza or did you and DH make an executive decision and do a big order for everyone due to lack of emergency freezer food? (been there haha)

Again can't help but wonder if it was mentioned they were hungry during a long party and they just expected you to rustle something up rather than shell out. Hungry people can definitely behave strangely/out of character.

That all said - for your second party if even thinking about organising it is causing you stress? Definitely don't invite anyone. Have a cosy family day to celebrate your son and don't feel obliged to cater (lol) to anyone elses whims. At 1 year old he won't mind!

If it’s important to you, which it clearly is, stand your ground. And do so now otherwise this is your life forever. Also your DH is useless by the sounds of it.

I shouldn’t call it a party. Family asked if they can come on the day to deliver presents and we all agreed to go to this restaurant/ soft play. If they didn’t have money they could’ve left for all I cared (don’t mean this so blunt.) They came back to ours to deliver presents and sing happy birthday or so we thought but not long after started complaining for food. Even after we supplied them with something to eat some people still spent their own money on McDonald’s. They just wanted to take the mick in my opinion. Not to mention they sat awkwardly on their phones for the rest of the evening instead of just going home!!!

Could you and your husband take the baby and your toddler away on a little holiday for one year-old’s birthday?

While DC is young, we just make plans as a family of 3 and will do this for as long as they are young enough to not ask for a certain kind of birthday party with friends etc. At this age, DC would have far more fun being at a zoo with a picnic lunch/small birthday cake or something than at a party mainly full of adults, even if they are family, and with her folks busy hosting them all. And this way she sleeps well after a long, busy day, giving me and DH the evening to celebrate her birthday with a nice dinner, wine and some leftover cake. No hosting, no tidying up after ungrateful guests...

But since yours seem to be asking what's happening, I would personally say "I've already booked for us four (so you don't have anyone wanting to join) to spend DS's birthday doing X." No explanation owed to them but if they press I would actually have to remind them DD wasn't even sang happy birthday to on her first birthday which turned out to be a stressful day you'd rather forget.

Your family sound like some of mine who have selective memory loss about events they've spoiled by acting like children, then they expect you to repeat the same mistakes again. I've learned over the years to not bother inviting them to things if I want an easy and happy life. I'm still annoyed about the stress they caused when we got married which I'm sure is the reason why we keep celebrations small now.

Have a lovely day celebrating.

I share your annoyance. I feel the exact same.

I'd definitely do something like the zoo or something which will be unappealing to most adults. I'd absolutely avoid basing the plans around a meal (even though DH and I love trying new restaurants) - but this is mainly as I'm sure a 1yo and 2yo are tricky to entertain in a restaurant.

My DC really enjoyed the aquarium, zoo, farms etc at this age.

You know they are going to ruin this birthday too don’t you. Please don’t let them. Just say after last year you won’t be hosting any more family parties. Think carefully about Christmas and Easter as well.
I would be going very low contact tbh op. You don’t need their negativity around your young family.

As the children get older, you can invite friends, but for now such young children tend to find parties overwhelming.

Your child is 1 ! They don't care about birthdays. Your DH barely knows the date of the birthday.
So don't say anything to anyone and just arrange the day to be the day you want with your DC. Go to the park, have a birthday tea at home. Whatever.
Your DC won't remember it and no one needs to be invited because no one needs to know about it. Say absolutely nothing to anyone!

Keep it to yourself but honestly, your husband needs to step up. Not knowing the date of your child’s birthday is embarrassing.

If you are asked about a party/dropping off presents, say “we are doing something as a four.”

I shouldn’t call it a party. Family asked if they can come on the day to deliver presents and we all agreed to go to this restaurant/ soft play. If they didn’t have money they could’ve left for all I cared (don’t mean this so blunt.) They came back to ours to deliver presents and sing happy birthday or so we thought but not long after started complaining for food. Even after we supplied them with something to eat some people still spent their own money on McDonald’s. They just wanted to take the mick in my opinion. Not to mention they sat awkwardly on their phones for the rest of the evening instead of just going home

This seems like an organisational issue on your behalf tbh. Splitting the ‘party’ between venues, they likely didn’t know what they were meant to do where.

As soon as you got back to yours, you should have whipped the cake out pronto before people had a chance to discover you were not catering there, sung happy birthday and waved them bye bye.

If people said they were hungry, then you say ‘I’m just getting the cake, it won’t take 2minutes, then you can be off’.
After the cake cut, happy birthday sung, give them 20mins to eat, make a speech thanking everyone for coming and wish them farewell.

You're not unreasonable to do whatever you want for your kid's birthday.

However, I think the last one was really on you. If you organise a get together for your kid's birthday at a restaurant, it's normal to assume food would be provided. And it doesn't sound like people were consulted on what food to order in back at yours? I mean, you don't have to consult people but you can't really complain about people not eating it or how much it cost either.