For not wanting anyone at my sons birthday

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

So my precious little munchkin is 1 soon. It’s such an important moment for me as no one understands what it took to get here. I have another baby who is 2. I handled my pregnancy by myself with no family help not even a phone call asking how we was even though I also had another young child. I am so proud of our little family. There were many ups and downs now it’s time to celebrate making it to 1 year!

I felt the same way with my first (so excited for her first birthday had planned it for months) however her birthday ended up being one of the worst days of my life. We organised a party for both mine and my DH’s families. Both of them made the whole day about themselves, criticised us for not having organised the day better and tried changing our plans. Later, they complained they didn’t have enough to eat and my DH was forced to pay loads to order everyone meals. Some were unhappy so we had to pay even more getting everyone what they desired. It was horrible and I’ll never forget it.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting family at my son’s birthday after this experience? Even after not visiting or helping us throughout the year family automatically assume they should be at my son’s birthday but the day would be a whole lot better without them. I don’t want judgement on what we choose to do or rather don’t choose to do on the day.

I know you said it's a hill you'd die on regarding catering but I agree with others...

If someone was hosting a birthday at a restaurant I would expect some sort of food and drink to be provided and I wouldn't expect to have to pay for a meal myself-the host is the one who has chosen a restaurant for a 1 year olds party

And again, completely normal to assume the cake is at home if it's not brought out at restaurant and I'd assume there were some food or something there

Sounds like this went on for a few hours without providing any food or drink?

So I sort of agree with others that the upset was down to miscommunication on your part

But that being said you don't have to host anything-just have a family day out with your DH and kids (but maybe remind him it's for your kids birthday if he doesn't know the date!)

So answer me this: when you’re friends or family invite you to their birthday at a restaurant (it was also a soft play for the kids) youd expect them to pay for your meal too? I don’t understand that concept

That’s where it’s fallen down. With your lack of understanding. If you sent out an invite for a party, and it was for a restaurant with soft play etc, it would be expected that you had organised catering there. This is fairly standard stuff. If it deviates from this and people are expected to pay for their own food at your party then you MUST specify that on the invite, and people will decide whether to go on that basis.

They knew they could get food and declined it saying they didn’t like anything on the menu

Again, the expectation would have been that it was catered. On arriving and finding out it was not, people did not want to buy their own food there, it would not have been their choice had they have known. The ‘don’t like anything on the menu’ line is polite speak for ‘what the fuck’.

A lot of people left from there but close relatives specifically asked to come back to ours to deliver presents and spend the rest of the day with dd. Which is when they collectively started complaining about food later in the evening and being the people we are we decided to pay for it. After this kind gesture (because they should’ve gotten food at the restaurant and I’ll die on that hill) they still decided to spend their own money on McDonald’s just to waste our money

Again, all of your own making. Back to yours, whip the cake out immediately, and thank all for coming and farewell everyone. That’s what you needed to do if you had not provided catering. Instead it devolved into a shitshow.

I'm not sure this is a genuine post as I don't think one person can be so obtuse. If you invite someone to a party held at a restaurant they will likely think you are putting on food unless you explicitly say otherwise. As a host if you aren't feeding guests you should have made that abundantly clear. If your communication in this post is anything to go by I'm not surprised wires were crossed

You can celebrate your sons birthday however you wish to but you need to communicate! A simple, 'we aren't having a party this year' will suffice.

Our rule is we are spending our children's birthdays as a small family unit until they are old enough to ask for a party. We've gone away, we've done local days out, made a massive fuss, but had absolutely no visitors. We don't make a big deal out of "not inviting our family" or warn them in advance about it, if they ask you come over we just say "sorry we are away Saturday, come over Friday or Sunday if you like" and leave it at that.

Side note, I do agree with others that if I was invited to a party at a restaurant I would expect food. Our family party invites usually clearly state what is happening with food, so either tea and cake, finger food or dinner is clearly put in the text message sent out to invite people!

Did your DH not contribute during your pregnancy? How did you do it all alone?

I don't think your guests realised you expected them to pay their own food. That's why they didn't order food.
Tbh no I wouldn't go to a restaurant and pay to celebrate your 1 yo birthday.
If you have been up front about the payment people can say no thanks.

We have never been invited to a 1 yo birthday where I was expected to pay for my family's meal. It can easily be an expensive day out for a family. I wouldn't realise it was the plan if not told upfront.

1 yo parties around us has been the birthday cake party at home.
They have been great. We have done these as well.

I shouldn’t call it a party. Family asked if they can come on the day to deliver presents and we all agreed to go to this restaurant/ soft play

You said you'd planned your eldests birthday for months. Now it's you shouldn't call it a party. What exactly did you spend months planning then?

Honestly op, you sound like a drama llama.

I would never expect to be paid for in a restaurant for someone else's birthday. I don't think anyone I know would either. Bloody weird and entitled.

The expectation for a child's birthday is that catering will be provided by the host. That's one of the reasons most people don't go to restaurants - because it gets too expensive. You may not have known that previously, but hopefully you've realised that now.

Adult birthdays are a little different and usually seems to depend on whether it's a milestone birthday or not. For milestone birthdays, catering is provided. Often this means canapes or set meals, not everyone picking what they want.

Other occasions depends on the financial status of the hosts. In my 20s, I expected to pay my own way because no one could afford to pay for all their friends. As I got older, often food would be paid for by hosts but it would be something like pizzas or communal dishes and people would buy their own drinks. I think the key for adult birthdays is to be clear in advance what is being provided so people can decide whether they want the financial commitment of paying their own way.

It does sound like the previous birthday was a misunderstanding. The fact they haven't been supportive throughout this pregnancy/first year means I wouldn't be keen to invite them to a party, but you need to think about what you will do if they want to come over and drop presents. Make sure you don't end up having another gathering where multiple family members are coming over or they will think of it as a party and expect food.

So you invited people for your child’s birthday but you didn’t provide any food either at the restaurant or at home? They ended up spending most of the day with you with no food? If I were one of your guests I would be thinking that is the weirdest, most tight-assed party I have ever been to. And you planned it for months? Next time when you decide to celebrate with guests, add some food planning to your list. This is one of those where I’d love to hear the other side’s version of events.

I think the one with the hearing/reading problem is you. Loads of people have indicated what caused the problems at your daughter’s party, it’s up to you whether you want to accept it. Or you could of course die on your hill and continue to be bitter about it.

And to answer your original question, you will do everyone a huge favour if you don’t invite your relatives to celebrate your son’s birthday.

Loads of strangers online who weren’t there. I cleared up what they didn’t understand. No, we were not expected to pay at the restaurant. I throw the question back to you: would you expect your friends or family to pay for your meal at a birthday dinner for their son?

Loads of people have also agreed with me as well but you don’t talk about that. You must take the internet with a pinch of salt because you get comments from people with miserable lives ready just to play devils advocate to spice up their boring lives.

You ignore everything else just to take a dig at me when it was my daughter’s birthday who was ruined. I literally said I paid for their meals later even after they insisted they didn’t want any and you say they weren’t fed?

'my DH was forced to pay loads to order everyone meals. '

No, he chose to pay for them. No one put a knife to his throat.

They knew that at the restaurant. They paid for soft play for their kids (if they had any) aa that was what we was there for and declined food because they insisted they did not want any! The ones who came back complained about food later. There was cake available too so people weren’t starving but in the mix of the constant complaining we didn’t even get get to sing happy birthday properly.

They also paid for their kids’ soft play?

Normally at a party, the host pays for the guests’ activity (soft play) and puts on food. At this soft play, if they let you bring your own and put it out on a table, I would have expected to see that, or something provided from the restaurant if own food wasn’t allowed by the venue.

If you’d invited the group to a party that would be the usual set up.

Not following this usual convention would cause confusion among guests. I do think that the later providing of two sorts of takeaway was a bit OTT; I would have said ‘I’m going to order six pizzas, any particular preferences?’ and left it at that.

This year, I would keep DS’s birthday just for your little family.

If there’s no party, nobody can be upset about not being invited. So DH doesn’t have to make it a big deal with his family because there’s nothing to ‘uninvite’ them from.

You keep missing the point, don’t you?

You planned for months for a soft play, invited to a soft play for your kid's birthday and guests paid for the soft play themselves. What did you intend to pay as a host?

I throw the question back to you: would you expect your friends or family to pay for your meal at a birthday dinner for their son

Just to go round in complete circles. Yes, most people would expect this.

I have several kids. When they were little we had parties at soft play. At every single party we catered appropriate food platters for children and food platters for adults. As did everyone else I know where we were invited to their birthday parties at soft play.

Let’s branch out from soft play though. This has also been the case at every other child’s birthday party we have put on, no matter the venue or st home. Catered food for children and added some platters for the adults (which decrease as the children grow in age and they no longer have adults with them, so then you just need to account for any other family/adults that are there). This is very standard stuff.

Moving on to adult birthday parties. These ARE different to children’s parties in that catering is optional. However if you invite people it needs to be CLEARLY COMMUNICATED whether you are paying for the meals or they are paying for their own as part of the invitation. It could even be hybrid, in that you pay for meals but everyone pays for their own drinks, which is never a problem but MUST BE CLEARLY COMMUNICATED on the invite. It’s also situational, if you are inviting people to celebrate your child’s 21st or your 40th birthday and you put on the invite people are to pay for own meals there will be that understanding, but also a lot of chin scratching and muttering as that’s really unusual as landmark birthdays are traditionally catered. Non landmark birthdays, people wouldn’t think twice about the instruction that attendance means they pay for own meals, however it still all needs to be stated on the invite. This is all still applicable for non paper invites, such as social media invites.

Really weird that adults need such explanations.

How did this take months to plan? And how come your husband doesn’t know his own son’s birthday! That is really odd.

Agree with all this 100% .

The point about DH not knowing his son’s birthday was so casually dropped in but I’d agree that is a bigger issue than random family members wanting McDonalds!

In all fairness I think it points to OP being left on her own to sort all things DC and may explain why she is getting a bit out of proportion on this. She definitely has a DH problem somewhere in the mix.

I think the point you’re missing is that yes - for a party you’ve spent ‘months’ planning you would usually be expected to provide a spread of food, and I’m surprised guests had to pay for their own soft play too. It doesn’t really sound like you planned a party at all! You say you didn’t sing happy birthday, did you bring a cake out to do so?

I don’t think the original event warrants as much upset and anger as you experienced as it doesn’t really sound like you planned anything at all - I would’ve definitely expected food at a ‘planned’ party, I’ve never been to one without!! But of course you can do your own thing this time, you don’t need anyone’s permission and it will be nice to celebrate as your family unit!

Realistically a 1st birthday is about the parents. The baby has no idea, and doesn't care. Why waste the money and time. Just have a nice day together and tell the family that you aren't having a party.