For not wanting anyone at my sons birthday

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

So my precious little munchkin is 1 soon. It’s such an important moment for me as no one understands what it took to get here. I have another baby who is 2. I handled my pregnancy by myself with no family help not even a phone call asking how we was even though I also had another young child. I am so proud of our little family. There were many ups and downs now it’s time to celebrate making it to 1 year!

I felt the same way with my first (so excited for her first birthday had planned it for months) however her birthday ended up being one of the worst days of my life. We organised a party for both mine and my DH’s families. Both of them made the whole day about themselves, criticised us for not having organised the day better and tried changing our plans. Later, they complained they didn’t have enough to eat and my DH was forced to pay loads to order everyone meals. Some were unhappy so we had to pay even more getting everyone what they desired. It was horrible and I’ll never forget it.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting family at my son’s birthday after this experience? Even after not visiting or helping us throughout the year family automatically assume they should be at my son’s birthday but the day would be a whole lot better without them. I don’t want judgement on what we choose to do or rather don’t choose to do on the day.

I'd do whatever you want on the day, and then tell people there’s tea and cake at yours between 2pm and 4pm/whenever convenient* so people can call round if you want. No catering, no hanging around, but an opportunity for people to pop in and buggar off. They know it's not a banquet, they can decline if they want to. Some balloons, birthday cake, quiet background music. This is what my SIL does and it's perfect - love my tiny nieces and nephews but they are small, they get tired, and we don't like to get in the way. Popping round for a cup of tea and to watch them attempt to open a present from us is enough when they're so small.

*lie, and tell people it finishes 30 minutes earlier than the actual final cut-off. That way you're not still welcoming stragglers at 5pm when you want to clear up and wind down.

Incidentally, I'd always assume I was paying for my own meal unless it's a wedding, my own birthday, someone has said they expressly want to take me out and treat me, I can actually see a buffet in front of me, or I've received a formal invitation by post. (Tbh, unless it's a wedding or there's clearly a buffet, I'd offer to pay my way anyway.) Your family sounds charming.

And it was! Friends and acquaintances did not have a problem with the day and made it very enjoyable. A soft play session is an hour and a half, cake was there it was perfect to suffice for that time and if they wanted food there was a restaurant. The part I was annoyed about was close family members INSISTING on coming back of course to continue the day with us but complaining the whole day.

If anyone can read my posts you’ll see these particular family members are stingy, failed to get my kids presents for Christmas even though we got them some. They frequently take but do not give and on her birthday I thought for once they wouldn’t try to snatch the spotlight. And even after we got them food which they asked for, they still were searching for the nearest McDonald’s! That’s rude and weird.

So would I? No one could pay for 30+ people at a restaurant. Call me Bill Gates if I could.

Heads up if you ever throw nursery or school parties - you are 100% expected to cater for 30+ people 😬 you didn’t need to buy them each a restaurant meal, most soft plays will do party packages or let you supply your own spread of buffet type food, I’d expect this is what people were expecting!

No one could pay for 30+ people at a restaurant. Call me Bill Gates if I could

You are not being very creative , and you don’t need to be Bill Gates. Even for an adult party, most venues are very happy to work with you to develop platter options. You simply contact some venues, say ‘I’m having a celebration, there will be 30 odd people, individual meals are not an option, can you do maybe a few platters of pastas and some pizza’s to cover’. They say yes or no, and you ask them for a sample menu and pricing. Several loaves of garlic bread, a few large pasta platters and some pizza’s stretch out quite well among 30 people. Even adding in a few large simple garden salads on top is fairly cheap but depends on the crowd (for instance a group comprising mainly young men won’t generally touch them in my experience, whereas a women heavy group would be more up for salad and you could even swap out some of the pasta/pizza for big share garden salad bowls). Venues are often quite keen to do this for a very reasonable price if they think they are going to make their money with drinks instead😁.

ETA you probably spent as much on takeaway pizza and Chinese as you would have doing the above.

Oh god going to have to collecting pennies lol. Won’t be so bad for sweet lovely kids. But don’t appreciate the who ruined dd’s birthday. We were pretty young then, had just moved and had our first kid we definitely wasn’t drowning in money and our families were well aware of that. I was out of work and DH was still employed (now he owns 2 businesses) I wouldn’t have asked a couple with a young child to pay for my meal but that’s just me. We’re lucky to be in a stable position now though.

100% you’re right. That part was my mistake because we definitely probably spent more. Ill keep that in mind when the kids have parties with their nursery friends.

Heads up if you ever throw nursery or school parties - you are 100% expected to cater for 30+ people 😬 you didn’t need to buy them each a restaurant meal, most soft plays will do party packages or let you supply your own spread of buffet type food, I’d expect this is what people were expecting

Exactly. Even for a 90min soft play session, this is the expectation. Even just light stuff like some finger sandwiches, crisps, fruit. The expectation is for actual food as well. Not doing so is going to go down like a sack of shit with nursery/school parents because it’s expected.

Im definitely learning it’s not cheap! Something a couple of my kids friends have done are 10-12 soft play slots and then have provided pastries and fruit with a cake to sing and take home a slice of. I imagine it’s a cheaper way of doing it and the kids all love it!

Hey nice to see you again! Didnt I just reply to you saying you’re right? Problem is, these aren’t nursery school parents. It’s family. They should’ve made it as easy as possible knowing we didn’t have a wad of cash back then. I’m talking my parents, DH family. An hour and a half of cake is not ideal but a restaurant was available. We were there to celebrate our dd. They did specifically ask to come back to ours and then complained. We got their food even though we had just spent loads on moving house and dd presents and they still decided they wanted to spend their own money to get something else! To take from your kids and younger family members on their dd birthday knowing one of them is not in work is not something I would do. But when the kids go to nursery I will 100% get/ probably make platters and platters of food.

As someone who was genuinely a single parent, with practically no support network and no financial support from their dad, working full time to put a roof over our heads, I do get wound up when people whose nice husband has to sometimes work away for the good salary he is bringing in, describe themselves as 'doing it alone' or say they know what it's like to be a single parent.

Echoing everyone else that the expectation at a child’s party is you pay for the activity and food for the children at a minimum (and ideally provide snacks/open a tab for adults to grab coffees). At a party at home for children, the expectation is you’ll provide food for (all)guests.

The etiquette isn’t like you’re going for a casual 27th birthday deal with your friends and everyone pays their own way. That isn’t how it works with children’s parties - and unless told otherwise, I think people would be very confused if the rocked up and discovered no food for the children at least.

I’m currently in prime children’s party years, as have a 6 and 3 year old.

But I think you should just tell people you are just celebrating as a foursome this year. And if you do have family over to drop off presents, make sure you have some food (even just cake, sandwiches, sausage rolls) available.

On an aside, I’m wondering where the restaurant with soft play is? I’ve seen cafes and pubs with soft plays, and soft plays with cafes. But I haven’t come across a proper restaurant with a large soft play that you’d have to pay to go into. And this sounds great.

I agree with this as a fellow single parent.
’I did it all alone’ followed by having a DH. If you really did it all alone you have a massive DH problem OP.

I’d do it in the park, so you can leave when you want, and don’t have to get the dodgy family members to leave your house.

Wound up is strong. I’m sorry for how bitter it’s all left you :( As a mom, I’d never diminish the role of another one. I’m sure you can agree I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But I’m curious: how do you work and look after your kids as well? Surely you have a babysitter, nursery or family member help? Technically, you didn’t do it all by yourself either. DH always works away or long hours, yes to bring in income, but I don’t have any family support nor a break and don’t even have the time to practice self care. Don’t assume I have it easy, moms should appreciate one another. It’s a hard job either way.

I find moms are the least supportive towards one another. It’s always single parent vs SAHM. What’s made you so angry by someone else’s truth? I did do the hard parts all by myself, still waiting for a break! So did you and I applaud single parents. Someone stepped up when the other parent wouldn’t yet they still get criticised it’s disgusting. Don’t criticise me though. Moms are amazing let’s just leave it at that.

Apple didn’t fall far from the tree did it

Huh? Don’t get it. I’m going to offer you some kindness instead though. Some of us sacrifice our careers for our kids even if we worked really hard to get to a certain professional level. Like me. Others sacrifice time with the kids for our careers (presumably you) even though we love our kids and want the very best for them.
Whatever the sacrifice, we often feel guilty that we aren't able to do it all... and so we try compensate by making another mom probably the alternative look or feel worse. It's petty, and it's stupid. But I get it. You’re tired and you’ve been through it. Your kids are lucky to have you.

The day is about your child - and these kind of acts create more distance between your child and the extended family. Every child deserves joys from grandparents and to be spoilt by aunts and uncles. I would hold something special with your immediate family alone, then a sep “party” with the extended family. It’s about your children not you..

I agree. My family failed to get my kids presents on Xmas though and only ever see them on their birthdays as they claim to be too busy. It’s a two way street.

Still different to be a single mum on one persons income. And all responsibility for daily life.
Doesn't matter if you're a SAHM or working you have more on your plate without a partner.
Most single parents can afford to be SAHP but has no choice to work.

Wound up is generally interpreted as somewhat irritated, not furious or devastated or any other 'strong' adjectives.

I was a teacher who took all marking and prep home with me and worked til the early hours after my 3 children were in bed. They did after school club on staff meeting night. It had a lifelong impact on my physical and mental health but we had a secure home and food on the table. So we were all in our respective schools/nurseries at the same time then all at home together. So earning all of the money, doing all homework, hobbies, night get ups with the little one, housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, then doing a full time demanding job.

I don't know where you get 'butter' from? My career has done well, my children are happy and settled, I bought a lovely home (genuinely all by myself) and eventually met someone lovely after a number of years and am very happily married.

It's just a bit self indulgent to describe yourself as doing it alone. Doing it alone would have meant you were the one bringing every last penny into the house, whilst pregnant, looking after a toddler and doing all housework etc.

Anyway, I agree with previous posters saying have a family day out.

OP I completely understand you frustration, the same thing happened to me except my DH left me with the kids and his side of the family to go for a drink at the pub!!!

I didn't invite anyone to my baby's first birthday, I simply organised a picnic and day out at the park for us however they all called on the day and said they were coming too with their kids.

I thought okay why not, so got more sandwiches, salad and nibbles, drinks, cupcakes for the picnic.

I thought that was the end of it but then was followed home by the lot and had to order everyone pizza as well because the kids were complaining they were hungry ( older kids, not my one)

They were with us from 12 in the afternoon until 8.30 in the evening I was knackered and didn't get to do what I wanted with my baby : (

Anyway this time, lesson learnt - I m going to say NO, we are only doing a family thing away from home.

We're going to take my two year old to the zoo and I m not even going to tell them the location.

If they ask to come over to drop off gifts I will let them know we are out and they can drop them off another day!

If you want to start a SAHM Vs working mum bunfight (FFS in 2025) start a new thread. This one's meant to be about a birthday party.

You sound absolutely incredible! People like you inspire me and reading this I’m in absolute awe. Women can do just about anything. Your kids must be proud!