For not wanting anyone at my sons birthday

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

So my precious little munchkin is 1 soon. It’s such an important moment for me as no one understands what it took to get here. I have another baby who is 2. I handled my pregnancy by myself with no family help not even a phone call asking how we was even though I also had another young child. I am so proud of our little family. There were many ups and downs now it’s time to celebrate making it to 1 year!

I felt the same way with my first (so excited for her first birthday had planned it for months) however her birthday ended up being one of the worst days of my life. We organised a party for both mine and my DH’s families. Both of them made the whole day about themselves, criticised us for not having organised the day better and tried changing our plans. Later, they complained they didn’t have enough to eat and my DH was forced to pay loads to order everyone meals. Some were unhappy so we had to pay even more getting everyone what they desired. It was horrible and I’ll never forget it.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting family at my son’s birthday after this experience? Even after not visiting or helping us throughout the year family automatically assume they should be at my son’s birthday but the day would be a whole lot better without them. I don’t want judgement on what we choose to do or rather don’t choose to do on the day.

Agreed FFS just start another thread...

Wow I can’t believe the cheek. On your child’s special day it’s like give us a break! I took dd to the zoo as well for her 2nd! Definitely recommend

Were you offering to buy the food at the restaurant? Or expecting them to buy it themselves?

This sounds like an awful lot of fuss around a baby’s 1st birthday. Most people do a house get together with cake, some pizza and crisps, and chat.

I think your expectations are high, which is fine, but probably best you just do your own thing to avoid disappointment. I’m sure no one will mind (our babies our the most precious things to us but to everyone else they’re just cute babies).

Wait, your husband doesn’t know when his son’s birthday is? Is he cognitively impaired?

I'd have sung happy birthday at the restaurant taken the gifts and said goodbye just like if it were a kids party.
Just take your kids out for the day.

One of the most useful things I’ve learnt on MN is to give people a fait accompli.

WRT you it means being organised and planning ahead. Get your diary out and work out when your time is going to be monopolised or when you will be expected to include wider family. Then decide what you want to do, what you are willing to compromise on, and what you really don’t want to.

Then book those days out.

We are going to see Peppa Pig and friends and going to this restaurant on DD’s birthday. We can see you the day after if you like. How about 3pm at ours for tea and cake?

I’ve arranged for us to go see the latest Paw Patrol movie on that day, we can’t sorry. We can pop by yours on Sat and you can give DD her present then.

Book yourself out, tell them the done deal, repeat. Don’t let other people suck the joy out of your previous memories.

I’m still doing this 19 years later. I won’t take a back seat, be in the kitchen cooking, sitting there minding my Ps and Qs when it comes to celebrating with my DC. I’m also mindful that when they have their own families I need to respect their wishes and privacy.

"Both of them made the whole day about themselves"

With kindness, you're doing the same thing.

There's absolutely no need to have a party for a 1 year old but you'll need to work on this mindset going forward. A kids birthday is about them, not about your achievement in having them.

In the grand scheme of things going on in your life from your posts - I think your focus on the past birthday is misplaced. You’re talking about divorce, your husband may be financially abusive, he only allowed one suitcase of clothes between you and him when you moved house. Enjoy the rest of your holiday (in undisclosed location due to anonymity concerns) and maybe get a solicitor on your return

This wasn’t a friends birthday meal, this was a children’s party at a soft play. Every children’s party at a soft play I’ve been to (and Lord, there’s been many) have been catered to some degree. It would have been very rude to wander off and order my own food, I would have felt very awkward doing so especially if the parents of the child did not do this? There were no clear rules for what was happening. Also, as you didn’t do the cake at the soft play - which is also what I would have assumed was happening, if that’s where the party was, then I would have guessed cake “and nibbles” would come afterwards back at home. You don’t invite someone to a party and have absolutely no catering.

Both my kids early birthdays when I had family over to the house I had the birthday cake and a table of nibbles. Sausage rolls, mini sandwiches, crisps in a bowl. The usual party tea fodder. People graze how they will and then we do the cake. I absolutely agree with others that your plans were confusing and you didn’t really plan a party so much as had people to show up and expected them to cater for themselves with no communication.

As it was you complain that people stuck around and wouldn’t leave, sat on their phones. But you never brought out the cake!! They were likely bored out their minds and desperate to leave but felt it would be very rude if they left before they got to see the baby with their cake, and get a slice themselves!

Sounds like the df hijacked the birthday party for a family get together and that's not on.
Do what you want to do on the day. Once bitten etc.... if they ask say feel free to pop in at x oclock next day to see ds. Offer a cup of tea. Avoid them turning the event into a bigger family party. Dh needs to grow a pair and support you.

No one needs to focus on a one year old all day and if you have guests to your house you should provide food,sounds like a rookie error on your part tbh.

OP whether you like it or not, etiquette is that if you invite somebody to a restaurant or a party (as in you have decided the time, date and venue, and then invite them) then you are the host and would be expected to pay for the food.

I think in reality when most people go out for meals they collectively decide on the restaurant and a date and time that suits everyone, and then the bill would be split, unless there's a precedent otherwise.

Your DH gave you no support during pregnancy and doesn’t know your children’s birthdays??
The birthday party is the least of your worries.
I think your expectations were off, people will assume food is provided if you invite them to a birthday party at a restaurant. People will also chat amongst themselves at a party and not everyone will fawn over a baby every second!
What does it even mean you were upset “she wasn’t even the centre of attention”? Surely she was just having a great time pottering about? Did you expect everyone to climb into the baby play area with her??

Why on earth should we have to dip into our pockets paying for everyone’s meal at a restaurant when it was our own dd’s birthday.

Who else pays for the birthday party if not the child’s parents?
It sounds like you think your children’s birthdays should put you as the centre of attention to be honest.

On my baby's 1st we just stayed at home and people just popped in to visit if they wanted to. No need for parties.

Wow that sums me up perfect. How much do you have to pay to see people’s profiles?

@Justlivelovelaugheat nothing

I'm not sure if you are new to mumsnet but all posts are visible to all at no cost.

And what the PP was gently suggesting is that you seem to have a lot going on in your life at the moment (sheer volume of threads you've started in the last 2 weeks suggest issues with your mum, DH, financial abuse, divorce, MIL wanting to move in, historic issues with your childhood)... It does honestly seem like some therapy may help you to work out what are the things that are going to positively impact your life and work towards them as at the moment there seems to be a lot of stress and anxiety around lots of areas of your life

And I echo other posters comments about SAHM vs Working Mums - please don't do as you've accused others of and pit us against one another.

Take the kids out somewhere like an aquarium just the 4 of you.
If anyone asks say we are out for the day but you are welcome to pop in after 5pm for some cake but she goes to bed at 7 (or whatever). Or we are around the weekend after if you want to pop round with her gift then.

Personally I think you sound a little precious.
I agree with the others that the biggest issue with the previous party was lack of preparation and clarity. Whether you have a party or not this time is entirely your choice, but if you do, then the problems is had are easily avoided.

The whole 'no one knows what it took to get here', 'I handled my pregnancy by myself' etc feels a bit dramatic. As does the 'we prepared for months' for your eldest first birthday, even though it just consisted of getting a cake and turning up at soft play (I could organise that for an hour's time!).

Whilst I have sympathy that the day wasn't good you'd imagined it, I actually snorted at the 'it was one of the worst days of my life'. I'm assuming it was a melodramatic exaggeration. The worst day of my life was when we found out my child might (50-50) die. She didn't. Or for others, it's the deaths of close family members, or recieving devastating news.

Your family are a bit crap, they take advantage of you, your a bit bitter that your parents still have young children, and the birthday party was a frustrating and overpriced flop. It's a shame, but move on.

We never hold a party on the actual birthday btw as it's too stressful. That way you can have a party (if you want it) and spend time together as a little family.

Kids parties are always catered btw.

Why didn't they want the pizza etc? Do you know why they ordered McDonald's? Was it a dietary issue? Was there not enough? Did they not like pizza?

Your child is one year old and doesn't give a shit whether they have a party or not, so simply don't have one. It's not compulsory.

Also the kids birthdays aren’t important to him as he doesn’t feel the pride I feel after carrying a child for 9 months then nurturing them to a year. He don’t even remember when son’s birthday is!

That's not normal at all. He's their dad, not a sperm donor. Of course he should play a part in nurturing his own kids and of course any half-decent dad knows his own kids' birthdays are. Good grief. You have problems way, way beyond a party.

Wow what a thread!

i’ll start by saying a 1 year olds birthday is for the parents not the child, they have no idea and won’t remember.

secondly I’d like to know what time you planned this party for? If it was over a meal time then I would expect that there might be food. Having attended and hosted many many soft play parties there is always food provided, sometimes just for the children attending, sometimes an extra platter for the adults, if not I would expect to be told there isn’t any food but the place serves food if you want to get yourself something or eat before you come.

thirdly, at the point of people inviting themselves back to yours why did you just not say at that point you are more than welcome to come but just so you know we haven’t got any food in but we can sing happy birthday and cut the cake.

just sounds like you have let all this happen and then are mad about it but it was equally within your control to avoid all this if you had communicated better and been more assertive.

for this birthday I would just be saying we are going out the zoo (or whatever else you want to do) for the day but you are welcome to call round between 4-6 (or whatever time suits you) for present and cake

I think it's normal to provide food at a birthday party. If I was invited to a party at a venue I would assume there would be food

All sounds crazy . I think you’d be doing them a favour by not inviting them this time . Who needs all that freaking drama .

After similar levels of faff for my one year old and my husband's birthday, I'm taking the policy of organising a surprise trip away. I'll organise something around the time for family to drop in, but there will be no embarking on stressful days for the sake of it.

We invited our families to the one year old's party from 12-2.

My family came from 10.30-2.30, his family came from 1.30-5. Relatives all over the bloody place for 6.5 hours!