For not wanting anyone at my sons birthday

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

So my precious little munchkin is 1 soon. It’s such an important moment for me as no one understands what it took to get here. I have another baby who is 2. I handled my pregnancy by myself with no family help not even a phone call asking how we was even though I also had another young child. I am so proud of our little family. There were many ups and downs now it’s time to celebrate making it to 1 year!

I felt the same way with my first (so excited for her first birthday had planned it for months) however her birthday ended up being one of the worst days of my life. We organised a party for both mine and my DH’s families. Both of them made the whole day about themselves, criticised us for not having organised the day better and tried changing our plans. Later, they complained they didn’t have enough to eat and my DH was forced to pay loads to order everyone meals. Some were unhappy so we had to pay even more getting everyone what they desired. It was horrible and I’ll never forget it.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting family at my son’s birthday after this experience? Even after not visiting or helping us throughout the year family automatically assume they should be at my son’s birthday but the day would be a whole lot better without them. I don’t want judgement on what we choose to do or rather don’t choose to do on the day.

I live in DH’s home country, so none of my family could attend DS’s birthday party. We invited 7 members of his family, only 1 showed up (an hour late). Never again.

YANBU

Your family sound pretty dreadful to be honest. Definitely don't host a party. Tell them you've planned a day out but could pop round to theirs for morning coffee with one set of inlaws and afternoon tea with the other set if they want to give the baby their pressies. Then do a day trip in the middle like the zoo or the aquarium. That way, they are doing the hosting and you can just leave when ready.

Just say "not doing anything big this year, just going out for the day. We can see you X day to do presents instead?

So people thought they were coming to a party but it was actually a restaurant where they were expected to order and pay for their own food and you didn't cater for anyone at yours ?
This is on you

Lots of our friends did family day trips for babies’ first birthday.

I just laid out some party food and baked a cake for my DD’s first birthday last week and invited immediate family if they wanted to come. It was lovely! I think it’s easy to get roped into thinking you need to have a big bash but it’s never for the babies at that age because they have no clue what’s going on!

Get in the car, go out for the day. Don’t disclose where. “We’re having a family day out on his actual birthday. But we can see you on X to celebrate”.

We always did a day out on birthdays just us and the children. We invited people round to the house for 2-3 hours the weekend after and provided a buffet of sandwiches/sausage rolls etc and cake.
My sons 1st birthday everyone had tried to tell us what to do because they were on holiday for his actual birthday so we MUST have a party on a certain date. I said no, we did it on a day that suited us. Even now we have gatherings on a different day to their actual birthday, mainly because I don't want to share it!

Of course you can do whatever you want for your child's first birthday, and if that's being together just as a family unit, that's fine.

I mean this kindly but I think you could have been better organised and more assertive when it came to last year's "party". They all said they wanted to see your child and give gifts - which sounds as if they were angling for a party? But instead of just inviting them to your house for presents and birthday cake, you decided to meet up at a restaurant with soft play - why? If you invite people to a restaurant but don't want to pay for any food, you need to make that clear in advance. What time did you all meet there? If it was over a mealtime that's kind of awkward. And inviting people back to your house with no intention of offering them food is a bit weird as well. You didn't have to order expensive takeaway. But in general hosting does involve providing some kind of food/snacks OR scheduling it between mealtimes and making it clear it will be tea and cake only. They were rude to go and get McDonald's after you'd ordered takeaway for everyone, but maybe they were just exasperated by the disorganisation by that point.

They do sound entitled and it sounds as if you and your partner just passively go along with it so I think the onus now lies on you to be assertive about boundaries.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your little one's birthday just the 4 of you!

I would just tell everyone you are going out for the day ( but not where), and go out as a family of 4.
With 2 toddlers places like local farms etc would be great fun. Depending on where you live, and the weather a day at the beach.

Get some birthday cakes from the supermarket to share with family- they can't then say they have been ignored.

Invite them for cake around 15 h. That way they will have eaten. Get loads of biscuits and cake as well. Then tell people you are planning to skip supper so they don't stay on. If they want to go to McDonald's instead it's on them.

We have 5 children and it was only ever my first that I bothered having family come to parties, meals etc for his birthday. After that we realised it wasn’t for us and stuck to trips for birthdays. My second went to cbeebies hotel for his 1st birthday and we have done similar with subsequent children.

This. Absolutely.

You invited people to celebrate your dc's birthday at a restaurant then back to yours afterwards, but didn't actually provide them with any food. I'm not surprised they were hungry and confused. What were you thinking ?

I agree with this, except the bit where you say 'they sound entitled'.

I have to say it is normal social etiquette when you are hosting people, to provide they with food. I wouldn't say people expecting that, were entitled.

I mean, it is fine to say "Drop in for tea and cake anytime between 2 and 4pm" when food wouldn't be expected, but come on - you invited people to a restaurant to celebrate your child's birthday and then didn't provide any food ?

A one year old isn't going to care or even remember their first birthday, it'll just be photo mementos of the day. I can't understand why you had a party at a restaurant and then everyone back to your house. Most parties would just be at the one venue and then everyone leaves to go home at the end. If you can afford to how about just going away somewhere child friendly for a night/weekend and just tell everyone you aren't doing a party 🤷‍♀️

My in-laws ruined my son’s first birthday by turning up with a dog. I had cats and had soft play in the living room which was at the front of the house. They had to have someone stand in the back garden with their dog so they could come in, added to that my cats went missing as couldn't come home because of the dog in the garden. We had a similar incident at son’s second birthday where one had to stand outside with the dog (it was raining) while we ate and sang happy birthday, they then swapped and we had to do it all again. There is a lot more to there behaviour too but I have refused to have them again. He is now 4. Do what is right by you. Don’t regret trying to fit in with other people who will spoil it for you.

This puts a whole new light on it. You invited them to the restaurant for your DD’s birthday but expected them to pay for themselves. I don’t think they were expecting that! As at any party, you would expect the host to feed you. If you didn’t supply any food I’m afraid you’re in the wrong. I can see why they wanted feeding when going back to yours.

So your H is a twat too?

You really don't have to have a big extended family party for a 1year old. If your DH can't manage to tell them no then change the set up. Say 'we are having a day out with the kids and tea at home on his birthday, love to see you for a cuppa at the weekend though if you want to drop his presents in'.
Take the kids out somewhere you will all enjoy for a few hours, have tea and cake and presents at home when you get back.

Or possibly if you really don't think you can avoid your DH family then tell the the party is on x day (closest weekend day) and do your own thing on his actual birthday and keep planning and expectations to the minimum for the family day. As it won't be his real birthday it probably won't bother you as much if it all goes a bit to shit again

I completely agree with @Fraaances
if they complain, they only have themselves to blame!

Don't have a party then. It's not a hard decision.

I don't understand the set up for that celebration which went wrong. It's doesn't seemed to be planned that well.

Normally you are offered birthday cake, tea/coffee/ juice or a meal at the birthday child's home.

It is not the norm for us and our circle of friends to expect guests to pay for food at a restaurant, to order random take away or go for a trip to McD.
I would have been super confused as a guest too.

You do you - but next time inform the guest what you expect of them..

So answer me this: when you’re friends or family invite you to their birthday at a restaurant (it was also a soft play for the kids) youd expect them to pay for your meal too? I don’t understand that concept. They knew they could get food and declined it saying they didn’t like anything on the menu. A lot of people left from there but close relatives specifically asked to come back to ours to deliver presents and spend the rest of the day with dd. Which is when they collectively started complaining about food later in the evening and being the people we are we decided to pay for it. After this kind gesture (because they should’ve gotten food at the restaurant and I’ll die on that hill) they still decided to spend their own money on McDonald’s just to waste our money.

How though? At your friends birthday meal you expect them to pay for your food?

If invited it's common around our family and friends to pay for the guests, yes.
If not paying for a meal inform guests up front and people can decide if they want to go or not.
Not that complicated.