Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

[pehkis]

Hi all,

Long-time lurker, first-time poster – be gentle!

I’m in my mid-30s, single, and have always wanted to be a mum. My best friend (let’s call him J) is gay, also single, and has always wanted to be a dad. We’ve been friends since uni, practically family at this point, and recently we started seriously discussing co-parenting.

We’re both financially stable, live in the same city, and have very similar parenting values. We’d do 50/50 custody, raise the baby together but in separate homes, and aim for a really amicable, supportive co-parenting relationship. We wouldn’t be romantically involved (obviously), but we’re incredibly close, trust each other completely, and neither of us wants to wait around hoping to meet ‘the one’ just to start a family.

Has anyone done this? Any co-parenting experiences, good or bad? Am I being naïve thinking this could work without a partner in the traditional sense? Also, any practical/legal considerations I should be thinking about?

Would love to hear thoughts – handhold and tough love both welcome!

50/50 is shit for a child. Be less selfish if you’re going to do this.

I think it's hard for children to have two different homes. I know that in lots of families this can't be helped, but to put a child in this position on purpose isn't ideal.

And just so that you are aware, there's no such thing as custody in England. If both of you are on the birth certificate you both have equal parental responsibility.

Like Sean and Violet on Corrie?
Seriously though my friends have done it..
In their late 40s now.. daughter is 10 years old.
Very very happy.
Dad has a partner now.. so she says Mummy.. Daddy and Dad.
Working really well.
If Mummy got a partner it would be Mum.
Never known a family so close and happy..
With Grandparents / Aunties/ uncles and cousins.
Go for it .Good luck.
( P.S no sex involved just the usual bottle and syringe).

Would you both consider living together, I think you would support each other better, than doing 50/50.

I think it's lovely and I know people who've managed it - it's not that unusual.

Having just done an unsuccessful round of IVF with a gay bloke I adored before we did it, I would be a slight killjoy.

Get the legal stuff pinned down. A decent family law firm ought to be able to sort you out - look for one that's done this before. You need to be able to discuss both the expected situation (eg., is he going to subsidise you during maternity leave/the early years? What costs will you share? Who expects to buy what for the child?) and also the 'hope it never happens but ...' scenario. Eg., if you have a child who requires long-term care that means one or you cannot work, what happens?

I think also discuss nuts and bolts of the early stage.

But, my killjoy bit: think hard about how you would feel if you ended up alone. TBH everyone ought to do this anyway, but just think that bit harder.

Also, just boringly - be aware of the legal side around conception. DIY at home is different from IUI/IVF in a clinic. Absurdly, a clinic will require you to screen sperm from a 'known donor' for six months and it's an almighty faff.

There’s an article about someone who did this in Apple News at the moment. They moved in together for the first 18months though. Would you consider this? As a teacher, I know lots of kids who struggle with dividing themselves between two homes 50/50.

I'm sure I just read a news article about this on my phone lol
Personally I wouldn't but whatever floats your boat

Oh, and I'll expand on my killjoy bit, because what the hell.

Disclaimer: many men, including many gay men, are absolutely wonderful. But, bear in mind, I thought the bloke I tried with was wonderful before we tried, so ...

There were a ton of reasons (many not relevant to you!) why it became extremely painful extremely quickly, but amongst them:

• TTC and everything that follows is hugely skewed towards women. It's your body. And, if you do go down a fertility clinic route, they will be geared up to prioritise you. He may feel left out or a bit precarious; he may really not get how much is being asked of you and your body.
• You will be hormonal. You are best friends, so he's used to meeting your emotional needs (one would hope!). But you might find it feels different if he's also in a 'father of my child' role. And he might find it feels different. Just speaking for me - and I did IVF with a ton of hormones, which you might well avoid - but I wasn't prepared for feeling so biologically tied to someone. I found it really hard, and he found it really hard (and we are both gay). Which leads me onto:
• I had a normal level of concern about PND and birth complications (ok, I had a MN-informed level, backed up by the fact I have an existing daughter whom my ex gave birth to; it was a truly horrendous birth and so I know how bad it can be). He didn't get that positive thinking wouldn't solve the real, pressing need to think about what you do in the case of PND etc. You need to see whether he actually has the foggiest about what can go wrong during and after birth, because it is grim. And it mostly falls on you.
• We had really different ideas about what 'wanting a baby' looked like. He loved the idea of being a dad (and he is excellent with other people's children). He did not get that, in order to do the bits that look fun, you do lots of other bits, like filling in forms, and sitting down to legal paperwork, that look very, very boring.

I'm sure I will think of more (!), but you need to be on the same page (or close) on these things.

I think you might find it very difficult to let your baby be away from you 50% of the time when they’re small

Don't underestimate the primal need to have your baby with you for the first year at least. Before I had a child I would have thought in theory I could do 50/50. But in reality, absolutely not. Bear in mind courts don't tend to order babies to do overnights until they're older for good reason.

It's a particular issue if you want to breastfeed, but I think most mothers would struggle regardless of their feeding choices.

Could you live together for fhe first year or two?

I think this kind of planned parenting could work really well because you can start from a point of talking about how you each think co-parenting will work, who will do what, what boundaries you want to enforce, there's opportunity to discuss how you want to approach every detail.

Do check that he is willing to be a proper 50/50 dad... not 50 percent of the best bits and leaving you with 100 percent of the life admin!

You definitely need to have a plan for what happens if/ when either or both of you meet someone significant, especiallyif that personhas or wants kids of their own. Blending families can be tricky. How soon do they get to meet/ stay over when the child is present. How much of a role they play in being a parent, what if you don't like (or agree with) each other's future partners on something? What if they want to move in or move away. There needs to be a firm commitment to staying in the town/ area for the long term and what would happen, should the relationship breakdown.

Do check that he is willing to be a proper 50/50 dad... not 50 percent of the best bits and leaving you with 100 percent of the life admin!

Well, or ... think how you feel about this, realistically.

I think people say 'we must do 50/50' because they think it is somehow the Right Thing To Do. But it might be it actually doesn't fit. Sharing life admin while being a single parent is actually a pain - lots of people find it easier to simply do all of it. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you're not feeling resentful that you're doing something you didn't sign up for.

Firstly, on an emotional level, it would break my heart to have my baby away from me 50% of the time. I was not prepared for how strongly I would feel about them before they arrived. You can't know that you would be alright with this. I guess a way around this would be to live together. Also, 50/50 is really tough on kids- maybe have a look into the impact that this will have on them and think about while there that's a consequence you are happy to accept for them.

Secondly, you are taking an almighty roll of the dice here and if things go wrong, it's you who is most likely to be stuck with the consequences. He's your friend, and you love him but lots of women trust the men they have children with and then get let down. Having kids disproportionately affects the woman, pregnancy can be hard and carries risks and children have long term implications for your earning potential. Not to mention the possibility of long term health implications from pregnancy and childbirth. The idea of doing this without the legal protection of marriage would make me very nervous. What happens if the child needs care and one of you needs to stop work? Or if one of you meets someone or wants to move away? You would need to have a very honest conversation and speak to a lawyer before going ahead with this.

And yes, 50/50 with a newborn/small baby is a non-starter.

Not necessarily!

If you wouldn't like to have to traipse over to another house and live there for the second half of the week then don't inflict it on an innocent baby.

I actually know someone who did this! It's worked out great for them both - and the kid is well loved.

However they decided to live together for the first 2 years (or maybe 18 months?) to share the load while baby was small - then switched to 50/50. Could you do an arrangement like that?

Also I don't think both of them had partners during the house share time (not deliberately, but I think it made it easier!)

Co-parenting could work. But I agree that it would be difficult with a newborn if you don't live together.

I would add that as a mum I couldn't even bare to be away from my baby for an afternoon - so I think factor that in. I think you'd need to live together at the start

I think it sounds a good idea. Although the 50/50 might not be in the best interest of a brand new baby and might be hard during mat leave type age, so I’d iron out the logistics a bit

Don't underestimate the primal need to have your baby with you for the first year at least. Before I had a child I would have thought in theory I could do 50/50. But in reality, absolutely not. Bear in mind courts don't tend to order babies to do overnights until they're older for good reason.

This, 1000%. The whole 50/50 thing is a nice idea in principle, but you’ve no idea how unbelievably difficult it will feel handing over a tiny baby half the time - and it’s not great for a baby to be passed back and forth like a parcel in order to fit in with two adults’ idealised view of what parenting looks like. It feels like the arrangement is designed to suit you and your friend’s desires, rather than actually centering the needs of the child. Stability and routine are so important for kids.

Plus babies can be tricky - some much more so than others, and doing everything alone will feel like 10 times the stress and work for both of you, whereas sharing night feeds etc means you can both retain a shred of sanity if the going gets tough. You may have visions of lovely calm nurseries in both your houses, with this sweet, easy little bundle of joy who does nothing but enhance your lives, but you also have to imagine walking around for 6 hours straight alone in the middle of the night with a screaming, colicky baby on your shoulder, feeling like you’re going to be sick on your slippers from exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

But in principle it could be great for all three of you, especially as the child grows older. I’d just encourage you to really consider whether some compromises in living arrangements might be possible for the first few years at least.

Why dont you live together as platonic partners, you could have relationships but the child would be bought up by two parents in the same house with the same environment routines, expectations familiarity

I couldn't bring a child into a situation where they would have two separate homes, I think that's a cruel thing to do.

No issue at all if it comes from separation, that's a heartbreak in itself but to do it just so ye can both have a child is very, very selfish.

I know a few people who have done this. It has worked out well for them. I think quite a few of them lived together for the first year or so. I know one "couple" who are still living together and their son is about 8 now.

It’s only a good idea if you live together tbh