Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

[pehkis]

Hi all,

Long-time lurker, first-time poster – be gentle!

I’m in my mid-30s, single, and have always wanted to be a mum. My best friend (let’s call him J) is gay, also single, and has always wanted to be a dad. We’ve been friends since uni, practically family at this point, and recently we started seriously discussing co-parenting.

We’re both financially stable, live in the same city, and have very similar parenting values. We’d do 50/50 custody, raise the baby together but in separate homes, and aim for a really amicable, supportive co-parenting relationship. We wouldn’t be romantically involved (obviously), but we’re incredibly close, trust each other completely, and neither of us wants to wait around hoping to meet ‘the one’ just to start a family.

Has anyone done this? Any co-parenting experiences, good or bad? Am I being naïve thinking this could work without a partner in the traditional sense? Also, any practical/legal considerations I should be thinking about?

Would love to hear thoughts – handhold and tough love both welcome!

There’s not a chance I’d do 50/50 with my baby. I didn’t understand the bond until I had a baby of my own.

I strongly feel that you and your friend may be approaching planned parenthood the way everybody should!

Working all the legalities out in advance and knowing what is expected from each partner (without the romantic involvement) is incredibly important.

50/50 may be a challenge in the early days, as another poster suggested, could you cohabit for the first year? It gives you each the closeness with the baby but allows development of external relationships once ready.

The only caveat to this is getting a cleaner so your admitted messiness doesn't encroach on his tidiness! A compromise.

Personally I would never do this. In your position I would freeze my eggs and get on with life until the right person comes along.

To be honest I think this setup would be very offputting and alienating to a future partner. I wouldn’t want my partner constantly popping in and and out of their best friend’s house who they conceived a child with, gay or not. It doesn’t matter you aren’t sexually involved; you’ll be heavily emotionally entwined and your future partner might be left feeling really isolated. What happens if you want a kid too with them? Then you have a child from your gay best friend and a child from the man you love. How will the siblings feel?

How will this child feel dipping in and out of two homes. They won’t know whether they are coming and going. Kids need stability, consistency and routine. It’s one things when parents divorce because the marriage has fallen apart but you would have chosen a broken home from the offset. No amount of picnics and friendly impromptu get togethers make up for a family unit.

I know someone who’s done it, all seems to be going very well so far.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/06/two-single-friends-one-radical-plan-why-im-having-a-child-with-my-gay-best-mate?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

It’s absolutely hellish for a child to have a life that is split in half. Please don’t do it on purpose. It’s also hellish to be away from your baby for half the time. I might consider this if you were going to have the child live with you and have your friend being a supportive dad who comes and visits and takes the kid out.

She wasn't actually planning to split her child in half. Melodrama, much?

For most of human history, babies have not had single primary caregivers.

Google Nicola Slawson, she’s a journalist who’s done exactly this, with her gay best friend.

I really agree with this. Did J suggest it? It really has loads of pros for him and all the cons for you

The 50/50 isn't great for childre . Can you imagine being happy to split your life between two homes? Would you be willing to live together or even next door to each other?

Consider he financials involved too, not forgetting both of you getting life insurance and putting it in trust for any children you have.

Why don’t you get a dog with J, and see how that goes before committing to a child? You might find that you agree perfectly ( or at least, adequately) on feeding, exercising, training, who does what and when. If so, you might be able to manage splitting a child.

If not, you can probably deal with canine distress and disturbance more easily than with that of a tiny vulnerable human.

I would never bring a child into the world knowing he she was going to have two different homes right from the beginning. Why don't you write a house between you and make sure you each have a good size bedroom each? Neither of you would want to be away from the child for half of the week and honestly for you, it would be absolutely dreadful.

Sounds like a really bad idea

I think that while it could work out great, there are a couple of things to consider.

Early weeks/months. You'll be knackered and recovering and it would good to have regular support from dad or someone else.

Like pp mentioned - 50/50 from birth is usually not something that's recommended. Also, thinking it will be fine to do 50/50 at that age might be quite different to feeling it's fine when you've got the baby and all the hormones are at play. The sense of attachment is extremely strong. I had to have my baby in ICU briefly. She was fine and was only there to finish antibiotics for something that was ruled out almost immediately, and I was also in the hospital, but literally not having there with me 24/7 as a small baby was very psychologically challenging. The hormones are STRONG.

Also, it would be sensible to think about eventualities such as what if one of you wants to move away one day, how do you manage something like that? Do you both agree to stay in the same area?

I don't think you necessarily have to live together, but I wonder if a more flexible/him at yours more regularly in the early months would be more supportive than starting 50/50 early on. Basically just seems like a good idea to really plan for the early bit, as it's different to having an older kid who is more portable!!

There is also all the theory around attachment and babies needing the attachment to the primary caregiver. I would look into that sort of thing before planning the first year or so.

I thought about it and decided to go the single mom by choice route. I was very selective with my donor and he’d donated to other single women and lesbian couples.
I ended up marrying/moving in with my husband when my baby was 8 months old (met while I was getting pregnant). Even that shift to sharing was hard - and he’d been with me and baby every night anyway! But shifting him into equal parent role was hard on me.

The risks for you sharing with your friend are so high. I’d suggest you do a donor and he does a surrogate and you both be the best godparent/uncle/auntie.

But we don’t have families or babies due to logic. Whatever you choose I wish you the best.

I don't agree that it has to be 'hellish' for a child. I did it for most of my childhood and it was fine, it just was what it was.

I do wonder if OP will struggle with being away from her baby / child half the time though, I'm sure I would. But I suppose we get used to everything with time and repetition.

How is that any different to any other family where a new partner comes along when you're co-parenting with an ex? It works all the time. And honestly, knowing the other parent is gay and there was no 'history' between them might be a bonus for a new partner. They might actually like each other!

It's not a 'broken' home unless the adults make a huge deal about it and can't get on. Being in two homes isn't the problem - parents' egos are!

Hand on heart I think you’d be crazy. And I’m someone who has navigated a known sperm donor arrangement.

Parenting is tough. You will feel an almighty, biological, visceral pull to your child. That’s there for a reason I cannot imagine handing my child off weekly. Missing half their life. What’s your plan for birthdays? Christmas?

Also you must think of the child. As a baby there’s absolutely no way 50/50 is in their best interests at all. Will you breastfeed? That baby will want to be with Mum, it’s a biological reality. I would be profoundly worried about an attachment injury if baby is 50/50 from birth. Your baby will know your smell, your voice, your heartbeat. They won’t know dad. They will be distressed to be away from you. This is reflected in family court practices - they don’t give 50/50 from birth, typically it’s max 8 hours at a time and often 1-2 non sequential days at that. But even for an older child I don’t think creating a baby with two households is fair. Children struggle with transition. It sounds a lot about what suits both of you - sharing the desire to be parents - than what’s best for the child.

I would strongly consider single motherhood by choice and a known sperm donor role with input from biological father but not shared parental responsibility. Parenthood is tough, and tougher alone, but I’m not sure that deliberately dicing up a child’s life is a preferable alternative.

All of my children have breastfeed over night well into their second year of life. I did not intend to breastfeed for that long. But as life went along I enjoyed it and it worked and the children enjoyed it and it worked. How would your best friend feel about not getting overnights for 2 -3 years? How would you feel if he insists he does want overnights? These things are tricky to negotiate as a couple they will be hard maybe even harder in your situation.

Lack of spontaneity is not anywhere near close to being the biggest challenge for kids with seperated parents or parents who live separately. That massively minimises the complexities and issues that can arise. If and it's a big if you can co-parent together amicably then you have one of the biggest issues sorted already. You can't know that for sure until you try. There is always some degree of illusion in any relationship and you don't how he will parent and he doesn't know how you will and neither of you know if your parenting styles will be compatible. There are so many things to discuss there, discipline or consequenes, sleep training if you will or won't, how babies going to be fed, weaning when and how, vaccinations, do you both have same views on sexuality, do you both share the same views on termination due to medical issues or severe disability. Do you both share the same views with regards to things like getting a diagnosis if your child is ND. There are some issues you avoid by not being in an intimate relationship with each other, but you're also less tied together if things go wrong.

50/50 doesnt provide what a baby needs, I think at least for the first 18 months I'd want to be living together. If you live apart little and often is what is usually recommended for the non residential parent while DC is a baby, as in lots of short visits building up over time to longer ones, then to overnights.

I have no issue with what you want to do in and of itself, but you need to discuss all the tough issues that may arise and how you both want to parent first, find out if you're actually on the same page before doing this.

Once the baby is born the thought of 50/50
would kill you. It’d be like losing your right arm for 50% of the time.

I agree with all the comments about how horrendous it'd be for mum and baby to be separated. 50/50 with a child is horrible, they aren't pets or gifts to pass around so you can play at being mummy sometimes and he can play at being daddy.

If he wants to be a donor, something could be worked out, going through the proper channels through a clinic. Legally though, the child risks being torn from their primary caregiver and it could also go the other way with the donor no longer wanting to be involved.

If you'd bicker about petty things like tidying up and would fall out, then parenting could be absolutely hellish. Parenting choices and attachment can be extremely important to you, and you have no idea how either of you would feel about the million things that'll come up over time. There would be so much to work through and the child would be stuck in the middle of it all.

I think it would be selfish to have a child with the intention of 50/50 care. Not to mention the emotional distress you are most likely to feel being away from your young baby so much.