Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

[pehkis]

Hi all,

Long-time lurker, first-time poster – be gentle!

I’m in my mid-30s, single, and have always wanted to be a mum. My best friend (let’s call him J) is gay, also single, and has always wanted to be a dad. We’ve been friends since uni, practically family at this point, and recently we started seriously discussing co-parenting.

We’re both financially stable, live in the same city, and have very similar parenting values. We’d do 50/50 custody, raise the baby together but in separate homes, and aim for a really amicable, supportive co-parenting relationship. We wouldn’t be romantically involved (obviously), but we’re incredibly close, trust each other completely, and neither of us wants to wait around hoping to meet ‘the one’ just to start a family.

Has anyone done this? Any co-parenting experiences, good or bad? Am I being naïve thinking this could work without a partner in the traditional sense? Also, any practical/legal considerations I should be thinking about?

Would love to hear thoughts – handhold and tough love both welcome!

I would have really, really struggled to hand mine over as babies (or any age really, but especially in that first year) to someone else for half the week. Obviously this is forced on some parents if a relationship breaks down. But personally, I wouldn’t go into having a child with this being the plan. I think it’ll lead to a lot of resentment.

I think this is coming from a perspective where children having two homes is inherently sad, though.

A child who has two homes from the start is in a different situation.

You surely don't think children whose families own multiple properties are poor, deprived individuals?

I think many women underestimate the visceral connection with a newborn. And by extension, their connection to you. Which they can't express BTW.

50:50 from birth is actively cruel as far as I'm concerned. You'd be far better off to use a sperm donor. You won't lose both for child for 50% of the time, and your friendship when it goes wrong.

That’s a false equivalence and you know it!

I don’t think it’s absolutely terrible for a child to move between two homes (although I don’t think it’s ideal either) but it’s not the same as the same family unit moving between locations!

I do agree that they should sit down and hash out the nuts and bolts legally first, and that the OP needs to consider not letting the child reside elsewhere for the first year, minimum.

No, I don't think it is at all! It's a really serious point: we think that a child from a 'broken home' is unlucky because we are starting from the perspective that all 'good' relationships begin with parents in a relationship and in one home.

You are assuming that the parents won't ever move with the child - but, surely, they could? They could factor in some time sleeping over, and some time not, and still not feel they needed to buy a house together, which is quite a big commitment.

50:50 from birth is too much away from mother. There are studies to back that up. But if you mitigate this and have him live with you for a year then start having toddler at his building up to 50:50 at his but during the build up him spending time with child at yours- then I'd say brilliant idea. Or obviously you could live in with him and build up to 50:50 at yours.

This situation is going o be far better for a child than having parents split and a nasty custody fight and hating each other for life. I myself was desperate to be mum and I think that clouded my judgment when I was with my nasty ex.

I'd go for it OP.

I see what you’re saying, and we have talked about it, but I’m not sure it would work long-term. We love each other to bits, but we’ve never lived together and have very different ways of doing things (he’s super tidy, I’m… not ). I worry we’d end up bickering and resenting each other, which wouldn’t be great for the baby.

Also, we both want the chance to meet partners in the future, and living together might make that tricky. I do think we’ll be in and out of each other’s homes loads, though, and we’d have a really solid support system in place.

I could imagine buying two adjacent terrace homes, and building a door from each into the child’s room! You’d certainly have to live very near each other to avoid disruptions as the child grew up.

But so much to think about. What if one of you meets someone - a stepparent could change the dynamic totally.

What if one of you got a great job in a city two hours away?

If you can afford to go it alone, I think you should use donor sperm, your friend can be fully involved in the babys life, but I agree that 50/50 is very unfair on the child, and lots of practical problems for both parents.

If you were to go ahead, I agree with pps that you should live together, at least up to age 2.

I'm a single parent, had a reasonable relationship with ex, but that all changed when he got married, so I know how difficult co-parenting can be, and how much people can change.

How on earth is that better?

Go it alone? Thats a totally different thing. The gay friend has no particular investment and would just be like a nice gruncle. You would be far less well off and the child would have less security. Doable of course but it would be a single parent set up.

Can you do the Cafcass plan online with him? It is designed for couples with existing children who separate, so it isn't ideal, but might help you think pre-lawyer. It takes you through lots of questions about holiday plans and day to day life that might just clear up the nuts and bolts.

The one bit of my plan with my friend that I did and do think was a keeper, was two homes. We live four minutes apart, and when we were TTC I could see, from how it worked with my existing daughter, that popping between houses could work. One assumes you already do a fair bit of ad hoc 'ooh, do you fancy a pizza and TV, shall I come over?' stuff as friends.

IMO what is hard for a child after a separation is that, often, parents do not make spontaneous plans to see each other/spend time together, and often, a child wants that. But you could. Sure, sometimes it would be 'oh, mummy is working so we can't get her to come watch Frozen,' but other times you'd end up doing things together and being fairly fluid.

Of course there is the worry this might all come unstuck if you had an almighty relationship breakdown, but that is the same for any couple.

A friend did this (he is married to a male) and had a child with a lesbian couple. A completely fucking nightmare. Spent thousands on legal fees, was accused by the mothers of sexually abusing the child and had to go to court. They did this all without going through a solicitor in the first place. Get legal advice first to avoid any problems on the future

Lots of men don't get that the only way to support their new born baby is to support its Mother. I worry for situations like this because if anyone has a child with a man, gay or straight, who doesn't respect them as a Mother and their respective roles, it can turn to shit. If it's a partner then they love you and that makes them responsive to your needs. Frankly, if it's a man who isn't romantically involved with you, he has no reason to see you as anything other than his baby making machine because he's not getting anything else from you. Men can be very selfish.

I think you will have to live with each other if he wants to spend quality time with the baby because there's not much chance of you wanting to give it away to him on a regular basis. He should understand that though. If he doesn't, then I'd be questioning whether this is the right thing to do. I couldn't imagine anything worse than feeling like someone wants to take my baby from me.

If you're both prioritising hypothetical romantic relationships over the wellbeing of your own child, then please also keep the child hypothetical.

How on earth is that better?

The baby has one home and one primary caregiver. Do you genuinely think a newborn should move between homes and between caregivers 50:50? I'm willing to bet 1 million pounds that's worse for the baby.

There are certain character traits that are observable at a few hours old that persist into adulthood. One is slow approach/fast approach. Some babies don't like transitions, as a persistent trait. You get one of those and you will cause distress at every handover. Then what?

With lots of planning and good communication I would do this.

My DS is gay. A chance for him to be a dad would be amazing, something that most likely won't happen, yet a LO would be so loved and cared for.

I think it could work, even for the baby as they will never know any different and a routine will be established from the start.

Also, not everyone feels the need to be with their baby all of the time. You might not be able to stand it but you also might be absolutely fine, Mine did sleepovers with Grandparents from 6 weeks and I went back to work at 12 weeks.

@SarahAndQuack That’s such a good idea, thank you! I hadn’t thought of using the Cafcass plan, but it sounds like a great way to make sure we’ve covered all the practical stuff before we get legal advice. I’ll suggest it to J and see what he thinks.

We already live close to each other, and like you said, we already do loads of casual ‘shall I pop over?’ stuff, so I’m hoping that continues naturally. I really want the baby to feel at home in both places and not like they’re constantly being ferried back and forth between two separate lives.

And yes, totally agree that the main challenge for kids post-separation is often the lack of spontaneity between parents. I’d love for us to still do family days out, birthdays, or even just impromptu film nights when it works for both of us. Obviously, life happens and sometimes one of us won’t be available, but I want our setup to feel as fluid and natural as possible.

You’re right that any co-parenting setup (whether with a partner or not) carries the risk of a fallout, but I actually think we might have an advantage over some traditional couples in that we’re going in with totally clear eyes – no illusions about romance keeping us together!

50/50 very rarely is in the best interest of the child aa they never have a proper home base so to speak and never works for a baby.

When it comes to babies the 1st few months they should be 100% in the mothers care with the dad visiting for an hour or two every day or two. This should slowly be built up until they spend the day out together at around 6-12 months, overnights starting around 18 months building up to every other weekend and a mid week visit, increasing over the years until it's 60/40 or staying at EOW whichever works best for your dc.
The above is considered best practice by most child experts and the parts for children under 1 are court standard practice.

Really really don’t underestimate that visceral pain at separating from your new baby. It’s an evolutionary thing! He won’t get it at all and may not understand- but pp saying consider living together when they baby is new are spot on. Maybe do. A trial 6 months of living together while you sort out the paperwork, and proceed if that goes well? It needn’t be forever, but it would make the first couple of years much much nicer for all of you.

I think it sounds fine. I don't agree with the nuclear family unit though anyways.

However, if you go ahead with it you NEED to get everything in writing, with lawyers. You need to both know the exact expectations from the other, what things you can't compromise with and what things you can, if unexpected circumstances arise, etc etc!
I cannot stress this enough

Nicola Slawson is doing this and seems to be working out for her! www.instagram.com/nicola_slawson?igsh=NWV2bjRmNHI3NWFn she has just written a book about being single in her 30's and I guess the baby thing will be in the book too. She's a good writer and I admire her openness about the journey.

I think it could be great, but do not underestimate how much having a baby changes things.

When you have a baby, hundred - million years old instincts kick in. Handing my baby over for the night would have been like sawing off my own arm. I did not think I would be like that.

You can't just "pop over" to his place. Getting out of the house with a baby is like a military expedition. You need to be living next door at the very least.

I think I'd go for it in the same circumstances, however 50/50 with a newborn would be very traumatic for you and the newborn, especially if you're breastfeeding. Maybe he lives with you for the first x months?