Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

[pehkis]

Hi all,

Long-time lurker, first-time poster – be gentle!

I’m in my mid-30s, single, and have always wanted to be a mum. My best friend (let’s call him J) is gay, also single, and has always wanted to be a dad. We’ve been friends since uni, practically family at this point, and recently we started seriously discussing co-parenting.

We’re both financially stable, live in the same city, and have very similar parenting values. We’d do 50/50 custody, raise the baby together but in separate homes, and aim for a really amicable, supportive co-parenting relationship. We wouldn’t be romantically involved (obviously), but we’re incredibly close, trust each other completely, and neither of us wants to wait around hoping to meet ‘the one’ just to start a family.

Has anyone done this? Any co-parenting experiences, good or bad? Am I being naïve thinking this could work without a partner in the traditional sense? Also, any practical/legal considerations I should be thinking about?

Would love to hear thoughts – handhold and tough love both welcome!

I don't think I would do this unless I was prepared to live with him.

How disingenous

I think it's a lovely idea, although if you're both looking for partners in the future lay out your ground rules now, especially with time frames of introducing the child to new partners and what those potential partners might be called as they could end up with 3 "dads" 😊. Might even be worth seeking some legal advice. I would also try to live very close by each other, I think it would be great if you were only a few streets away and you were in a 5 minute walk of each other too.

Where abouts are you in your mid 30s? If you're 33 I would be tempted to wait a couple more years before going through with this plan as you could still meet someone and start a family with them? However if you're 36/37 can understand if you want to get on with it xx

Edit to agree that 50/50 will not be practical at baby stage though and you should probably live together for the first year and maybe put dating on the backburner during that time. Xx

Hi pehkis, whilst I can see it could work, my worry would be that it could potentially have negative effects on your life that it wouldn't have on J's, in terms of career, finance, flexibility/freedom/time.

The reality is that women tend to be more affected than men by having children - more likely to have financial disadvantage, more likely to compromise on career.

I work with disabled children and adults, and it is overwhelmingly the woman in the relationship who has changed their life - either by giving up work completely to care for them/accommodate multiple medical appointments/be available to pick up from school at short notice etc.

I think it is definitely worth discussing things like - attitudes to prenatal testing, management of medical issues, dealing with appointments and pickups from school..

If you are not living together, you are likely to be doing the majority of day and night care for your infant son/daughter. Is J likely to support you? Will he support you as much as he supports the baby?

The CAFCASS assessment mentioned previously seems like a good idea to help think things through in a structured way. And legal advice too.

I would have a fertility MOT to know how you’re standing time wise

I would be tempted to do this yourself via a donor as this all sounds great until it doesn’t - new partner coming into the mix on either side would be enough to throw this right out of sync

But not in the first year or two when the baby is dependent on the mother for food. Toddlers maybe, at a push, but not a newborn.

You’re being deliberately obtuse but 50/50 is very destabilising. No main home.

Hugely depends on parental relationships how burdened the child is by this, how close together their two parents can live to each other, work, school (which is as I posted already extremely subject to housing and job market and structural inequality pressures)

Depends also how flexible their adult work or employer is, how well coparenting suits the adults or not, and the age, needs or additional needs, and preferences of the child (including to live with one parent mainly or only). If you have more than one child in the co parented family or there more children with another partner then multiply the factors to take account of.

I'm not being deliberately obtuse at all - I'm just questioning the trite assumptions you are making as gospel truth. All of the things you have mentioned are considerations for all families - heteronormative, separated, widowed. Even most of them apply to nuclear families with the coveted 2 parents living in the same house.

My point is that the way adults behave and the scene they set is entirely up to them. If you want to make 2 houses a big deal and something to be sad about then the child will follow your lead. If you want to put the effort in to make the norm that you have safe, happy and accepted then there's no reason the child can't thrive.

Children can live in 1 home and be miserable. They can live over 2 and have a great life. Not all children who have parents that live separately need your pity, save it for children who have unhappy parents, wherever they live.

No, really.

Trite assumptions? From the person who said ‘if they just get on with it and live their lives they’ll be fine’.

I replied, they won’t all be fine. And gave my reasons why. Fine if you don’t want to agree with that. But trust me, it’s not all about parents setting a cheery tone, though.

And yet parents return to work, leaving their children in long daycare sessions. Sometimes compromise us needed.

In many societies, someone else carries/watches the baby when mum is working on the farm (e.g. granny or tween girl who isn't as strong) and takes baby to be fed in the fields.

I couldn’t do 50/50 with a small baby/young child. How confusing for the child and how selfish of the parents. You need to live together in the early years for the child’s sake.

I could have never been separated from my newborns for days at the time. Even a day would have been torture.

Oh please. 3 MILLION children are being brought up in single parent - by parent I mean mother - households.
1 million of those children have zero contact with their father at all.
So you can get off your judgey high horse.

50/50 can work very well if both homes are stable

Why would they?

Because they'd be constantly be separated from one of their parents, so they'd be constantly missing the one they're not with.

Because very few adults would choose to live between two homes, so why would children be any different?

Because a randomer on Mumsnet saying "I'm sure they'll be fine" doesn't change what children actually feel.

None of what you've said invalidates the truth of this statement:

Yes, co-parenting happens, but should not be the starting position.

You realise you are a randomer on Mumsnet? You have zero idea what every child feels.

You seem to be hell bent on any child not in a house with 2 parents having a miserable existence. Well, if you keep telling them they are then they will be I suppose. I'll remember my experience of it a bit differently.

There's no 'truth in that statement' - that's simply an opinion.

This sort of thing (as in our society) is new, since capitalism. It’s not, as the original post I responded to suggested, something that’s happened throughout human history and prehistory.

No, it's common in many societies.

The difference is that mum is still primary carer. It's just someone watching bub for a while. And doesn't tend to happen with very small babies.

Aiming for split primary carers would be different.

It does sound really miserable to me to be a small child fulfilling two adults dream’s of parenthood by being passed around back and forth like rent-a-child. I know people share dogs and I feel sorry for them too. Most people have a really strong attachment to home, and the feeling of safety and security they associate with that, and I can’t help feeling that denying a child that is cruel. I know that parents separate (mine did) and people do their absolute best in that situation, but it’s tough on the kids

I think this is much more ethical than donor sperm, OP. It's so important for a child to be raised by both parents, if that is possible.

I would also concur with everyone above that 50:50 is not in the best interests of a small baby or the mother. It's ok when the child is older if parents live very near by.

Is your friend able to put you and the child above himself? It's really important for the father to respect the primal bond the mother has in the first year of life. The need to be with your baby is extremely strong for many women and likewise, the baby will need you. Also, how often do you have to navigate disagreement in your friendship? Have you had experience of resolving conflict with each other? I would worry that if you can't co-exist in the same house because of the difference in habits, that you might end up being quite different in how you parent.

I think intentionally bringing a child into a broken family is really poor.