Having a Baby with My Gay Best Friend – WWYD?

[pehkis]

Hi all,

Long-time lurker, first-time poster – be gentle!

I’m in my mid-30s, single, and have always wanted to be a mum. My best friend (let’s call him J) is gay, also single, and has always wanted to be a dad. We’ve been friends since uni, practically family at this point, and recently we started seriously discussing co-parenting.

We’re both financially stable, live in the same city, and have very similar parenting values. We’d do 50/50 custody, raise the baby together but in separate homes, and aim for a really amicable, supportive co-parenting relationship. We wouldn’t be romantically involved (obviously), but we’re incredibly close, trust each other completely, and neither of us wants to wait around hoping to meet ‘the one’ just to start a family.

Has anyone done this? Any co-parenting experiences, good or bad? Am I being naïve thinking this could work without a partner in the traditional sense? Also, any practical/legal considerations I should be thinking about?

Would love to hear thoughts – handhold and tough love both welcome!

I think it could work brilliantly if you lived in the same building, eg different flats, for the early years. I think knowing your dad is very important, dads are important, especially in later childhood. Earlier, I think the definition of a good dad is one who supports the mum of his baby and is able to be secondary to their bond for quite a while initially. It doesn’t mean he can’t bond with the baby, but that primary mother-baby attachment is very important to the child.

Where do you get this from? Of course the mother has always been the primary caregiver unless she dies at birth or something. How else would the baby be fed and looked after?

There was a thread on here by a grandma who's GD was conceived between a gay couple and lesbian, couple, the child lived between 2 houses with 4 parental figures, both relationships broke down and all 4 wanted contact so the GD was living between 4 different houses, some.of whom had then started new relationships so even more step parents on the scene.
Basically it.was very messy and didn't sound like the most stable upbringing at all

Bonding may be a problem. It would be at least 3 years until baby could spend a night away from you. Could DF move in for a while with you (you may need the support) or move much closer (next door 🤷‍♀️). I think there's a lot to consider, I wouldn't jump into it blindly.

If youbare going next door, yes.

If you have to drive / bus, you still have to get you and the baby washed, fed, dressed. And baby always wants a feed just as you leave.

Why wouldn't you move in together? Surely that's the first step. To see if you can stand to live with each other. Personally Id get a house

The plus I see is that your child has both of it's biological parents on the birth certificate and so would only ever have two households to consider into the future - should you each partner up and form a relationship and then separate.

I would legally need to be the primary care giver until the child is about four. I think most children prefer to be not too many hours without their mothers so the child going off to it's father for 50% would not be in it's best interests.

Have a legal arrangement.

I’d think very hard about how you’ll feel, as the mum who’s carried this baby for 9 months, when you have to hand him/ her over to the dad who doesn’t live with you. This could be extremely difficult for you, especially in the first year or so.

Will you breast feed ? How will this work?

How will you feel about him meeting new partners and them being introduced to baby ?

As pp said, during the pregnancy, will he provide for you if you can’t work ? This would include pension provision.

You need to sit down and discuss all the “ what ifs” and go through a lawyer otherwise you’re leaving yourself vulnerable.

OP I think it is possible and I know of several queer families with creative configurations. I echo the posters encouraging you to seek legal advice. And please please consult with people who are doing this in real life and not just theoretically thinking about it.

I had a plan to do this with my gay BF. As it happened, I met someone who I married and had two children with. In hindsight I am glad I did not conceive a baby with my BF. Our relationship has become strained in recent years as he has developed some problematic beliefs and our lives and values have diverged. He also has some chronic and persistent mental health issues that weren't apparent when we were friends. These are the types of things I was oblivious to when we were discussing it all over pints in a lighthearted way.

Food for thought. It can be done! But just not lightly. Good luck.

You don’t seem to want to listen to people telling you that 50/50 is not in the in the best interest of a child. You just keep talking about what will be preferable nd more convenient for you and your friend.

Hardly a great start.

I have friends who did this - 2 gay couples and it has worked really well for them, though having 4 parents deciding everything can be tricky…
BUT it wasn’t 50/50 living when the children were young. It was the kids with the mums and the dads found the corner seeing them a lot and ‘sleepovers’ as dad’s house.
Also - get this legally water tight - and make sure that same level of parenting.
Another couple used a friend as donor and he wanted to be an ‘uncle’ type figure in the background but once his parents caught wind of their gay son giving them a grandchild they put enourmous pressure on him to get custody …

Have you thought about childcare? Because 50% may seem a lot, but when you are out working 10 hours of the day you won’t see much of your child. A friend of mine does 50/50 but the child also has to go to 2 sets of grandparents for childcare. And now mum has a new boyfriend where she stays over a lot, so the child is living in 5 homes during the week. That is a lot if you also would like to do homework, sports, hangout with friends.

A lesbian friend of mine conceived babys with a donor and with an diy-insemination kit she bought online. We were all thinking it was never going to work, but it did, twice! Saved a lot of money and hassle.

And just a sidenote: I went back to work when my babies were 3 months old and left them in childcare or with their father… and i was absolutely fine with it. So not all mothers want to be glued to their babies the first year. If you want to breastfeed you can use a pump when baby is away. It won’t always be easy but not impossible.

The fact that you think 50/50 custody is appropriate for a NEWBORN BABY (despite what everyone else on this thread has already told you), combined with this:
Also, we both want the chance to meet partners in the future, and living together might make that tricky.
tells me that neither of you have the slightest concept of what parenthood entails.

Newborn babies want to be with their mother (by which I mean the woman who gives birth to them), whether or not they are breastfed. They know her voice and her smell; they don't yet understand that they are no longer a part of her body. It doesn't mean they can't form a wonderful bond with their other parent, but the birth mother is absolutely number one, and both parents need to respect that.

The fact that you are both considering dating when you have a young child is incredibly selfish. Your child, and their family unit (which would be you and your friend), should be the top priority, and everything should be geared towards keeping that stable. Living between two homes, each run by a different parent, each of whom are going to be distracted by new relationships, is in NO WAY in the child's best interests. It sounds like you both want to be part-time parents, which just isn't how parenting works.

Being a good parent involves a great deal of selflessness, and it sounds like neither you are your friend are prepared for that. Which doesn't make either of you bad people, but it will make you bad parents.

How very selfish of you both.
Anyone who tinks this an acceptable way to bring up a child shouldn't be.
Yes, co-parenting happens, but should not be the starting position.

Maybe going it alone would be better. Certainly less complicated for the child anyway.

But the snag would be you’d have to be a full time parent.

But MN is fundamentally Not Good with families that are not heteronormative. I wish it weren't - I've been here since it were fields - but it's the case.

What is not heteronormative about a man and a woman having a baby together?! Yes, one of those people is gay, but that's not what anyone here is objecting to!

I'm a lesbian who had a baby through donor sperm with my wife. I still think this is an absolutely terrible idea.

It’s a lovely idea but the reality is that 50/50 might seem great for adults but it is extremely disruptive for children. It would be very painful for you if you bond with your baby knowing how distressed the baby could get without you.

its logistically very limiting and an expensive nightmare unless you are near neighbours and willing to both be equally very flexible. Two of everything needed. Would you like to live exactly equal time in two different places? It’s a last resort arrangement. From birth, no way. Babies are born expecting Mum to be the primary carer that’s just how human biology and bonding works,

What is the plan in your situation when one or both of you meet other people and each couple needs or wants to live somewhere different? or time comes when one of has other kids to think about too, and you still have a 50/50 arrangement.

You’re thinking of tying yourself for life, to a friend that you’re not even keen to live with, and then all of their individual life choices. It sounds full of potential stress.

Why not??? If a child has 2 parents who love them, who obviously wanted them, who put in the time and the effort and give them amazing experiences - who gives a monkeys whether they have 2 houses or 1?

The child might...

Agreed. This isn’t an episode of Friends where the children are conveniently elsewhere most of the time to enable a full dating/social life

I think this is one of those situations that sounds like it might be ideal - in theory- and nicer for the child to grow up knowing their father well, as opposed to a sperm donor where that won't exist. But lots of things sound theoretically great/logical before you are pregnant and before you've actually had the baby.

Your relationship with your friend will change drastically and you/he may well discover you have views on things that are wildly different to what you expected. I guarantee there will be at least one thing you were 'sure' you'd do/feel before the baby is born that you'll laugh at or wonder about later. Your friend will be the same. You don't know each other as well as you think you do - mostly because you both don't know yourselves as well as you think you do in this very particular and important context.

Just having yourself to consider in terms of parental rights will make yours and your child's life more straightforward.

I know many women that have successfully parented singlehandedly, following a donor or through other circumstances.

The couple who did what you are proposing ended up in court. It was very distressing for everyone concerned.

Basic history. Maternal death is quite common, but also, people have generally had a communal model of child rearing. The nuclear family is a bit of an aberration.

Also - I am not sure but you'd need to check this if you really do go ahead you can pin EVERYTHING down beforehand or more how enforceable it all would be.

Do some research about parenting

Please be assured nothing being said by me is about wanting you to have a heteronormative family. There’s just specific emotional burdens (and freedoms) that might come from making choices explicitly about your relationships or parenting in this set up.

You might not feel them in a relationship where they are already shared choices because they’re with made with a partner. or they are choices that are so heteronormative and implicit and condoned or expected, that you might not even recognise them as choices. So there’s a lot more to be consciously intentional about. And you need to second guess your co parent a great deal because neither of you owes the other your life choices.

If you are straight (you haven’t said), and he’s gay you also might benefit from looking at your own wishes and wants very very carefully and dispassionately in the round. For example if you are hoping to meet a future partner and will then want to have kids with them too. Or your co parent has future kids with a different co parent or some other arrangement. Have you had any therapy to examine this?