No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

[farmlife2]

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting.

The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend?

I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

Thing is, it doesn't matter if you were 'wrong' or 'right' (although you were definitely right!), it's your car, your rules. You are in charge of safety decisions in your own car: you are the one who would be charged with dangerous driving or whatever the offence is, NOT the other mum. So it's your call and always your call.

Those suggesting putting a car seat in the passenger seat and having friend sit with a toddler on her knee: in a crash, that kid would likely come flying through the car and hit the OP. That's why dogs have to be be restrained now.

There was no good solution here, apart from the friend not being silly and calling OP ahead of time to bring the 7 seater and extra seat.

You were absolutely not BU. 3.5 miles does seem incredibly far from a bus stop though, am wondering if that was the distance to a direct bus home for her, rather than maybe a nearer bus stop that might have then involved a change of bus.

Anyway, my suggestion would have been that she ask the host nicely if she could drive her to the bus stop. If host did not have another adult at home you could have stayed to watch the host’s child(ren) while host was doing the drop off. Not saying host should have felt obliged to do this but might have worked if everyone was feeling generous?

Could the child not have sat on her lap ? Not ideal but better than the footwell!

YANBU.

I recently asked a friend for a lift home from a club with my 6yo and he declined because he didnt have a spare booster seat for her and explained he didnt want to take the risk. It was a 10 min drive on roads which are all 20/30mph. So DD and I got the bus and walked in pouring rain and it was absolutely ok because I respected his boundaries and it didnt impact our friendship in the slightest.

It wasnt your job to resolve her transport issues and her reaction reveals her to be crap at adulting.

Jesus wept. If you click “see All” you can see OP explain about a million times that the back was full with her own three children in their car seats.

There aren't in my extended family. BTW, I don't have extended family and my sibling in infertile, so that's easy. If I was discussing extended family interactions I might have been flashing back to when we lived near the ILs.

No. Obviously.

Have you never fudged the details of your life or omitted info for anonymity? So what? One is a baby I have in short term foster care, two are mine. You're not obligated to believe me.

farmlife2 · 03/02/2025 08:02

There are no young children in my family but I do find I'm not interested in other people's non-family young children anymore. Been there, done that, so I understand where you're coming from. This time is now mine.

🤔

But you actually have 3 pre schoolers according to this thread

Wow, so many people hard of reading on this thread!

You did the right thing, OP. If she wanted a lift, she needed to have supplied a car seat, but crucially, known in advance that you were willing and able to drive her and that you had space for both her and the child and the car seat to be fitted legally.

Don’t let her make you feel guilty! I’d be messaging her today saying that you don’t ever expect her to put you in that position again. You will not be guilt tripped into driving illegally and potentially killing her child due to her lack of planning. I’d then be expecting an apology from her. Any less and dump her. No good friend would expect this!

If I explained it would make sense. But I'm not, so whatever.

Why would OP arrange and pay for a taxi ?
Surely it's the friend's responsibility to get herself and her child home ?

Must have been having an optimistic day. My time will never be mine unfortunately. However, I am finding work arounds.

Don't such a weirdo stalker.

As the driver it was your responsibility to ensure your passengers obeyed the law regarding seatbelts. I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with someone with that attitude to be honest. I’m amazed she even suggested it.

It's fine. I can see where it might seem contradictory without all the details. They can have some points for good memory.

I'm not sure how going full detective on op's exact family set up changes the question she started this thread for - was she wrong to not transport a toddler in an illegal way. Her age/children/posting history have no impact on that central question. Surely everyone fudges details for anonymity or just for simplicity where a thread doesn't require your whole life story for others to pick apart?

@waterrat - what’s ludicrous is you thinking that is a safe and viable option. No wonder there are so many accidents on our roads if that’s your interpretation of the Highway Code. Absolutely stupid.

Yes, including how I come to have three preschoolers (one temporary) that I consider mine in my care. I did only give birth to the first six but that's not relevant and not something I choose to share the details of, other than to acknowledge it.

You absolutely did the right thing here. A toddler in the footwell?! It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. How could the mother possibly protect said child in an accident? I am a real people pleaser and the very rare occasions I've said no to someone has been when they've wanted to ride in my car and not bother with a seat belt. One friend got in the back of my car and thought she didn't have to wear a seat belt. This was about fifteen years ago and she didn't know that it was a legal requirement or how dangerous it was. I said to her if you don't wear a seer belt and we're in an accident, you will shoot forward and kill my husband who's in the front seat in front of you. Oh, she said. She didn't drive at the time and had no idea.

Another time I had my three brothers in the back of the car and the one in the middle couldn't find the bit to plug his seat belt into because it was under my other brother's bum ( 🙃 😅) and he said just drive... if there's an accident my brothers will save me with their arms. I said you won't have time as you'll have shot through the windscreen. He magically found the thing and did up his seat belt!

Try not to berate yourself.....you absolutely did the right thing. The alternative outcome to your friend being moody with you is unthinkable.

But my mother tells me I'm too much of a stickler for rules.

Is that supposed to be an insult?

So there was no room in the car & that's the end of it isn't it?

You are not being unreasonable, but, surely the most sensible thing to do would have been work as a group so one person with appropriate car seats takes CF and kids to the bus stop (before the end time) and the rest of the group watch the drivers children till they get back. Sounds like a 5 minute drive tbh so not massively disruptive.