Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

For goodness sake, how is it acceptable to speak about men in that way?

I've lived in Italy, they're much blunter than the Brits (though not nearly as blunt as - say - the Dutch) and very proud of "their" culture, they don't appreciate the quirkier more unconventional nature of British fashion and they vocally disapprove of fat people. They're obsessed with fresh food prepared the "right" way (this is mainly a good thing imo) and still very scared of eating - say - and Indian meal. It's changing, but slowly. She's young and unpolished but you are taking her comments WAY too personally. You just don't like her, that's all and you're going to have to suck it up.

@SlightlyJaded talk about cultural ignorance. I lived in Edinburgh for many years, never saw a single deep fried Mars bar anywhere. Instead there was gorgeous local produce (venison , scallops, vegetables ) in beautiful restaurants.
It's a very cultured and foodie city.

This

Italians find generalising and stereotyping their nation just as offence as any other Nationality. They don't just say what's on their mind, they interact and socialise to the same norms as other societies. We have had a daughter with an Italian boyfriend who moved to Italy, loads of Italian students and spent plenty of time in Italy They might be more animated with family but they wouldn't be like this as a guest unless they were a rude Italian. Which is the point. She's rude.
And the rubbish about passionate culture excusing PDA. Do you see hords of Italians with their tongue down each other's throught when you go to Italy. Of course you don't.

Well said. I wasn’t sure myself how to put it into words kindly.
She might be coming across rude, but she’s not wrong.
OP give her benefit of a doubt ( and some time..)
To me she just sounds like a young girl in love.
She is not British, take that into account too ( what Brits perceive as rude some other nations may perceive as merely honest)

Oofff, you actually sat them down and gave them a list of issues you have with her..? This would have been the time to pick battles.

Ie - “I appreciate your passion on the subject of health, however I have 2 teenage DD’s at an age where eating disorders are all too common. I dont want any discussion on obesity or how sad it is for people to be fat because they absolutely could get a dangerous wrong impression.”

Instead, You compiled ever grievance including a complaint that they were holding hands too much. She plays with his hair. Who the fuck is that offending and why?? I would have planned to leave early and go to Edinburgh too. Sure, he’s telling you it wasn’t what you said but you’ve made it quite clear she isn’t liked by how rude you were.

appearance tells you A LOT about people though. Despite what many posters like to pretend.

Being fit and sporty is a lifestyle. It's not all, but it's already a lot.

It's not surprising that top CVS from the best universities - and I include Oxbridge, Imperial and so on, it's not surprising that they mix academic excellence AND competitive sports. People who like to achieve do it in most areas.

So yes, appearance and self-pride do matter.

Have you seen the price of good quality olive oil in the uk shops recently?

Very bad harvest year for olives, sadly. I’ve been starting my bolognese with champagne to save on the pennies

It doesn’t tell you whether or not they’re kind, intelligent, funny, generous etc.

You know, the things that actually matter.

Brits do have ugly dress sense compared to other nations.

Speak for yourself!

Why should he back her up when he thinks she's wrong? Let's face it, he was proved right. OP listening to those on here who backed her up, and acting on their advice instead of his, has gone horribly badly.

And there's nothing more sexist than saying that a man can't have an opinion that's correct, if he's agreeing with someone attractive. Jeeze.

I wouldn’t risk damaging my relationship with my son over this.

Ignore her, she’ll be a distant memory by Christmas.

Exactly

Yes she will be a distant memory, and so will her son at the rate OP is going !

Her own husband advised she back off and instead she went hell for leather reading her DS and his DP a full breakdown of everything that has annoyed her about his DP since the girl arrived.

Appearances tell you fuck all. What they do is affirm your bias and prejudice before you actually know what the person is really like.

Of course it is. The 18% are too dim to realise that though poor things.

Not normal for my area of Italy. Next time, just look her in the eye and say, "Che brutta figura!" This will make it plain that she's showing herself up.

And he's defending her because she's attractive, maybe?! Her comments are excessively rude. Visiting your British bf's family and constantly commenting on the terrible food/appearance of British people is not going to endear her to you and is horrible for your younger dc to endure. Also, the PDA is absolutely excessive-sitting on his knee and feeding him is not, imo, at all appropriate. Dear god, if I'd done that at my then fiancé's house or at a meal with his parents, they'd have told me quick sharp to quit the inappropriate behaviour, don't care how 'in lurve' they are.

to you maybe

being interesting, active, sporty, intelligent actually matter to a lot of people too.
Sports also brings social skills, friendship, respect, being supportive, and I could go on, and never stops anyone from being funny and generous.

Let's not pretend that doesn't matter.

Looks like I can tell what kind of person YOU are based on these charming comments 😂

You might be less angry if you were going for an exercise session or a bit of fresh air don't you think?

So, they got back maybe 45 min ago, she came into the kitchen separate from my son with flowers, chocolates, wine and a card. She said thank you for letting me stay and apologised if she came across rude and for upsetting/offending me. I reassured her they were welcome to stay and she said that she was thinking of leaving early anyway to see Edinburgh and her family are going skiing next week so she is looking forward to joining them. She told me she said to my son he could stay and join her in a couple of weeks but he insisted he wanted to go with her. She has also brought some beers for my husband (who hates wine) and Ferrari Caps for my girls (both newly into F1 and have been learning about it from her through the week, (she joked the Ferrari caps are to stop them becoming McLaren fans).
So while I'm sad they are leaving early, and I'm sure my conversation probably took the decision to leave from a maybe to a for sure, I think it could be worse over all.

To those saying “But the girl is not wrong is she” about British weight/food/culture.

When I go to Italy I’m often hearing conversations about how women are treated poorly, casual references to Pervy, Italian men, misogynistic comments, comments about virtue and virginity and promiscuity that I never heard about men.

I don’t shout up how disgusting Italy is when it comes to women’s right and perhaps this is why they have some of the highest DV rates in Europe. Because I’m not rude or looking to offend.

Would it be ok if I did?

I’d tell her that whatever she might think about Brits, at least we mostly teach our children how to behave! Her parents have evidently been sadly lacking in teaching acceptable manners.