Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

I know plenty of Italian and Portuguese people who are lovely. So it's not cultural. She's just a massive twat.

I was with you until your latest updates @Bluebrownies. The fact that your son said ‘you never like anyone I bring home’ is quite telling. You don’t have to like them, he does. Absolutely you can point out you don’t want to hear comments about weight, looks etc (especially in front of young teens, you don’t want them getting body issues) and that you don’t need constant criticism on what you’re eating and drinking but I think by complaining about the pda was a step too far. Sitting on his lap in a pub and feeding him desert is hardly a crime, they weren’t having sex in front of you. Some cultures are more touchy feely than others. That I think you just need to get over.

I would text him and just reiterate that you don’t want them to leave. Apologise for the comments regarding them being affectionate and just state that you do like her, you’ve enjoyed getting to know her but just don’t appreciate criticism of people’s weight and looks in your home. Make it clear you do like her and are happy to have them visit again whenever they like. Otherwise I think you’ll end up pushing him away.

I don't find it surprising that 18% who voted have such weak social skills that they'd see nothing wrong with telling another nationality who was hosting them that their nationality was fat and ugly and their food was shit. I'm just glad that 82% aren't so clueless. You can imagine the 18% saying "But why do we never get invited back Derek? I just don't understand it." 😀

Again, read the comments that OP's husband insisted she post on the thread in the interests of fairness. It does not sound like the GF was rude in how she expressed her opinion, more like it was an observation. And OP has spoken her mind, with her ill-judged intervention telling them that she doesn't like them kissing in public and that she wants the GF to keep her opinions to herself.

Ok and OP has expressed an opinion that the PDA and unwarranted comments are making her uncomfortable in her own home. It doesn’t sound like OP was rude when she expressed this. It sounds like she was calling and polite. Why is the middle aged woman not allowed an opinion?

“We are not famous for our cooking. Or for many things actually.“

No but English is the most spoken language in the world and countries have been influenced by much more than just our cooking ;)

She really is not unless asked. She is just very very rude

It sounds like she was rude – the son and GF are now going to stay elsewhere for the next few days!

OP admits she asked her for her opinion on British people. Maybe she asked about this too but isn't saying. Even her husband has said she hasn't presented a fair account of what actually happened on here!

Think about it if it was reversed
“My daughter is visiting her Italian boyfriend’s family. Her MIL has pulled her up for talking about how ugly Italians are in general. She tried to give the MIL some advice on how to make her food better but the MIL thought it was rude. MIL is also not very happy about my daughter sitting on her boyfriend’s lap and feeding him in public”

Would everyone genuinely think an English girl doing this was ok?

It sounds like they took offence because they’re immature and have difficulty in empathising with others and they’ve gone off in a childish strop.

Sorry but it totally is because of the chat you had. Not that I blame you, she sounds very annoying.

I’ll be honest. She sounds like some (not all) kids I have known from privileged backgrounds who are very sure of themselves and their opinions but who have not yet learned how to temper those opinions and when to keep them to themselves. I don’t think it’s anything at all to do with her being Italian, just young and a bit full of herself.

Your experience reminds me in particular of a family member whose parents had money, he was privately educated, lovely boy but at a similar age to your son's girlfriend, went through a similar phase. He was a bit sneery about other people’s appearance, accents, lifestyle choices…and I remember being very pleased we didn’t live closer. Some of it came from his parents who would joke about similar things so I couldn’t really blame him for not realising that outside of their family, some of those things are actually rude and inappropriate.

In your case, personally I would probably have just put up with her for the time she was visiting and tried to point out in a humorous way how rude she was being because I would never want my son to feel unwelcome. And ultimately, at that age they would likely choose their latest flame over their Mum for company.

Yep something along the lines of London being super diverse with people from all over Europe settling and becoming brits (truthful and a dig back)

If you don't want someone's opinion, don't ASK them.
She wasn't wrong.

Is it rude to throw comments about what you are doing? Yes, but so what.

Is the son's behaviour in public rude and to be addressed? yes.

Is it sensible to sit down your 23 year old boy to tell him off IN FRONT OF HIS GIRL FRIEND? No...
Being scolded by mummy is not a good look, what positive could ever come of that?

Extreme statement I know but just a simple google search tells you it damages your skin and can lead to skin cancer. It’s something ppl don’t want to hear

Ah. Oh dear. 😕

MIL asked what she thought of Italians, and she said they're very loud, speak very fast and make weird gestures when they talk.

MIL thought that was rude.

Possibly, but why asking then?

Ok MIL asked what she thought of Italians and she said they were ugly.

That would be ok?

being pasty is not a sign of good health either...

At the extreme, I am not sure how many cases of ricket have been found, or exist today, in Italy .

There's a balance.

They both sound absolutely uncouth.
I have a son that age.
Not normal behaviour from either of them.

I would be so unhappy with those looks, weight, food remarks, particularly in front of other children.

She sounds completely dragged up and I know some lovely Italian young womdn and I don't recognise such rudeness at all.

Good they are heading off and going skiing.
You need to have another conversation when you see him alone.

Such behaviour does not bode well.
No one is interested in her opinions and its time she was told to keep her endless rude observations to herself.

She sounds like a precocious 6 year old.
Most unpleasant to be around.

have you BEEN to Italy recently? You can accuse them of many things, but - as a whole - you can't really say they're an ugly nation 😂

wise, well thought out reply. Totally agree.

@luckylavender

OP said this:

The thing is, it's not food she is eating, it's the food I have made for myself/daughters/husband. She and my son have been sorting their own meals! I have said a few time "well good job you're not eating it then" or "why don't you make it next time if it is so bad".

So she's being rude about stuff she isn't even having!

Maybe be more factual, based on what OP has said in her posts?

"My daughter is visiting her Italian boyfriend's family. The boyfriend's mother (note: she's NOT her MIL, they're not married) pushed her for her opinion on Italian people then took offence when my daughter was honest about what she thought. The boyfriend's mother was then heating up a jar of processed sauce and my daughter commented on the ingredients not being very healthy and apparently that was the height of rudeness. Likewise she suggested serving vegetables with a jacket potato and apparently that was out of order too. The girlfriend's mother has been keeping her distance from them since, until this morning when she sat them both down to tell them that my daughter is no longer allowed to voice an opinion while staying in her house. Also, my daughter and her boyfriend are physically affectionate in public, often kissing and holding hands, but because my daughter dared to sit on her boyfriend's lap in a pub and shared spoonfuls of dessert, the boyfriend's mother has demanded they stop that too. Who IBU here?"

Guarantee the responses would be on the GF's side!

It’s irrelevant whether I think they’re all ugly. The point is that it is rude to say so.