Older relatives not understanding WFH...

[TickingAlongNicely]

I am self employed. I work from home. It can only be done at home, unless I lug massive bits of equipment away with me (I can't work from a hotel room for example).

My children are Secondary school age. They don't need looking after, just someone around really in school holidays.

Every school holiday from my parents...
What are you doing? (I'm working)
What are the children (homework, chilling, hanging out, resting. )
Why don't you come and stay for a few days (I'm WORKING)
What do you do all day at home (WORK)
Don't you want to spend time with the children (I do in the afternoon/evenings, I start work early...).

I'm pretty sure if I worked in an office I wouldn't get this barrage of questions!

Holy shit. I am medically retired but I'm getting secondhand anxiety reading all these posts.

This is not age-related, @TickingAlongNicely, it's related-related unless you can say younger rels don't do this.

Oh God tell me about it. I live in the same village as my mum and I often pop over to help her w/ something in the mornings, but she's getting slower and slower despite being physically fit, its just faffing. She's always been a faffer but its ramped up exponentially with age. I've told her I have to start work at a certain time. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get why x time means x time, not fifteen or twenty minutes later. I've explained so many times that I'm collaborating w/ people and need to be online.

Its honestly becoming a major source of stress in my life. I'm starting to think the only way she's going to get it is if I refuse to come, but its not a major task and I could so easily pop over and do it if she wouldn't faff.

How do you cure faffing?

I think you should stop answering phone calls during work hours. Have an honest chat with them about how you are still responsible for bringing in money to your family and accountable for the hours you work. Explain that just because you don't leave to go to the office, doesn't mean that your hours are flexible or any less valid than someone who does leave to go to the office. When they ask you to come and visit during the holidays, ask who is going to work for you, because it's not going to do itself and you rely on that money to feed your family.

I've never had an office job but I can definitely imagine what WFH is like.
You respect the working hours just as you would anywhere else! I suppose the main difference I see is that WFH you can stick a wash on, or even go for a shower on your lunch break, while WFH but not in an office etc. If non-work folk phone, other than say school (in case of emergency), then don't answer, same with the door. Stick up a 'WFH - please don't disturb' if necessary. I used to occasionally do my research at home, reading online etc, when I had a lab-based research job - I was still working, and made that clear, setting breaks and times I could be available.

I have to go out of the house to work. I can't run my station and track through my flat! But my neighbour works from home and I've heard her shout on her phone telling loved ones she's AT WORK and NO I CAN'T come round now!

I've actually found my parents (in their 70s) are the complete opposite - they assume I am working 100% of the time at full capacity when WFH, and are therefore surprised when I have the time and flexibility to run something over to them or pick something up during the day, for example. I wonder if your parents have read too many Jacob Rees-Mogg treatises

My mum is just like this. Shall I pop in for a cuppa?! No, I'm working. She calls in the middle of the day and gets offended that I don't answer. It's infuriating!

My mum and dad both worked but seem to have forgotten what it entails. My dad's look of absolute horror when I worked over Christmas was almost comical. I go to see them when I can, but I sense they think it's not enough but I literally work all the time so generally take leave to see them.

I absolutely hear this - love my parents to bits but at the weekend they said " just chill out and slow down you're such a stresser".. YES, because I have a full time job, children, and run around like a nutter 7 days a week to ensure I can help you and you see your grandchildren etc etc. 😭

Religiously phone your Mum more... at a time that is convenient to your work and family life.
Twice a week.
Also invite her once a yaer to stay for a couple of days while you are working and the kids are on holidays.

I am in my 50’s and have WFH since 2009.
8 of those I lived with my dad who I also became carer for.
My job was no set hours, and my dad would silently pop cups of tea into me and give me the thumbs up.
Sandwiches would appear by magic.
And when I needed a break I would go and sit in his lounge and we’d watch Friends together.
He was very proud of my work as I had been very ill and had to give up my previous career.
He understood and he was in his 80’s! He didn’t know one end of a laptop from another, but it’s not bloody rocket science.
For a long time I worked in social media (it was like the Wild West years I loved it!) and he did tell people I ‘worked on the Tweet with the celebrities’ which I loved as well.
I did get to go events now and again and took him as my plus one. Because I worked in celeb land, he memorised who they all were and he was such good fun. He especially loved the goodie bags and would share them with his beloved cleaner.
I digress. Anyone who doesn’t get it is using it as an excuse - they just want to dominate you and use your time.

Oh I worked at my parents for a few days for a change of scenery after lockdown and they seemed genuinely shocked that I went in the dining room every morning, shut the door and worked until 5pm! I lost track of how many times I told them not to disturb me or just come barging in the room because I was on zoom meetings.

why do you answer the phone?

I do think some people who WFH perpetuate this impression though - lots of the school parents will do drop off, pick up, trip to the library, sell ice creams for the PTA, look after their sick kids at home - because they’re ‘working from home that day’. Maybe some of them are arranging this in lunch breaks or whatever but they do definitely give the impression of having time for a lot of non-work-related activities during the working day.

I partially blame the unhelpful (recent) narrative that work should come second to everything, it’s not as important as family/hobbies/friends/downtime/Netflix/an everything shower; but actually earning money facilitates all of that stuff, and if you slope off from the job too much then they are within their rights to stop paying you for it.

Thank you for letting me rant last night. And for letting out your own rants.

To answer questions...
I do take time off. I will be making the 200 mile trip at least 4 times this year. Just not this half term. Not only do I have work to do, DH will also be working from home instead of on the road so he wants to spend time with DDs so I can't take them away.

I can answer phone calls in the working day if needed... not always straight away, but I call back within 10 minutes.

I have a long phone call with her every evening as I appreciate shes lonely (despite living with my father and brother, she doesn't get out much)

Its tricky her visiting me... she can't get the train anymore, we have no spare room, and it involves my brother driving halfway, and me driving the other half. And then she wants entertaining. She then goes on about how tiring the drive is for my brother (never me!)

I get really cross when I see in the media or on TikTok etc people making out that we do not do anything. Mouse jigglers etc. I work so hard at home. Probably harder than in the office. There is a perception that home is easy. Only thing easier is being able to hoover at lunch and not travelling over an hour each way!

I’ve always wondered if this was part of the reason. Older generations often did jobs where cover was possible, and if you were off, your work was allocated to someone else. You didn’t return to a backlog and no additional time to clear it.

My parents had these sorts of jobs (think typing pools and emergency services), so the concept of having to do all the built up, not-even-looked-at work on your return, was completely alien to them.

It has taken a long long time for DM to realise that WFH days are not 'days off'.
I think it is because DSIS has on call days where she can do what she likes, as long as she doesn't go too far, or drink, and she gets confused with this.
Before that she could not understand that the only free time I had was within a one hour lunch hour which meant a 15 mile round trip to pick up from aunties, take her home and get back to work was not possible with the traffic.

Must be so hard WFH.

My gran asked me ‘do you actually do work at home’
yes I replied
then she says ‘but if you didn’t work how would they know’
🤣

That’s the point though. It’s no harder or easier than being in the office. It’s the same work, same hours.

DM moved hand a mile away 3 years ago. I was then, and still do, work hybridly. She previously lived 250 miles away, and was giddy about now living so close.

One morning the I was in a Teams mtg from my kitchen table, DM walked in and put the kettle on. I asked her what she was doing. She said she thought I could do with a break, couldn't I turn my camera and microphone off for 10 mins?

Me: "Mum, I can't, it's some training."
Her: "They won't miss you for a few minutes".
Me: "Mum, I'm the trainer".

I've learnt to lock my door and got a garden office. She hasn't done it again.

I totally get this and I do think it's worse for women than men. My MIL doesn't understand me working from home even though her son (my BIL) did it from her house for two years and myher son, my partner does it on some days. She always ask me if I have been into the office, yes my office is just in a corner in our house and no I don't have an actual office anywhere!

She still works and could chose to work from home but chooses to go into the office as she prefer it so just doesn't see how I can be better in a quiet environment than a busy office.

I think for DM/DPIL any job which didnt involve face-to-face contact was not 'proper' work. Being 'busy' (ie bustling about) was the test. Any job which could be done from home was just working for pin money.

But TBH they had no real clue what I do for a living. Women's work was always 'lesser'. It blew their minds when DH became SAHP.