Parents shouldn't use mobiles around their children

[SmudgeButt]

OK I know some will think this is ridiculous. And just for context I'm not saying that parents shouldn't have mobiles but simply not use them when they are out and about with their children.

There's been lots on the news about how schools want to restrict students using mobiles during school hours. But these are kids that have been raised with practically ever adult around them with a mobile glued to their hand.

I've seen parents out pushing buggies with an excited child pointing at flowers or doggies or whatever and the parent is just walking along like a zombie, ignoring the child and simply staring at or talking on their mobile. I've even seen children with buggies or at restaurants that have a tablet, real or plastic, for them to look at and play with rather than engaging with anything else in the world.

Yes I know some children for whatever reason need to have a distraction in order to be in whatever public space. And I know that we all want to have a mobile in case of emergencies or if there's a real need to contact someone.

I guess my issue here is that the other day I was in a restaurant with DH having a breakfast out together and he said, "oh look that woman is talking to her child!" The entire time she and her friend were having their coffee etc they both talked to the child, involved her in the conversation, let her sit quietly for a bit, played with her. Simply engaged with the child as adults would normally but without any IT distractions.

Thoughts?

I agree, although I am also guilty of it!!

Play in the park with your kids rather than sitting on a bench scrolling. Watch TV with them rather than sitting scrolling. Talk to them in the restaurant rather than handing them a tablet to shut them up!

My parents were very involved, very engaged parents. My dad took my brother and me to the park OFTEN and w LOVED it. He would push us on the swings SUPER high. The rest of the time we were running aroudn n our own, occassionally yelling at him to look at us while he stood or sat to the side, perhaps chit chatting with another parent. Knowing my dad, he might even have had a newspaper with him! I just don't understand why we think childrne have to be entertained CONSTANTLY.

I agree with the restaurant thing, up to a point, but also, going to a restaurant was a HUGE deal for us and we certainly were NOT being taken to restaurants as toddlers. I'm 50 so I appreciate it was a different time but going to the Pizza Express equivalent was a huge thing - and we'd have things to colour and draw and mostly were expected to be quiet. And this was probably age 5-8. Then, as we got a bit older, going to a "nice" restaurant was a big thing and absolutely, we would be talking to our parents - but by then we must have been at least 9 or 10, and most likely older in most cases. Things are different now - children eat out much more often and from a much younger age.

Yesterday I took my child to the beach to collect 134 stones to push through the cracks in the pier, played traffic jams with his cars for ages, stuck about 150 stickers on a sticker scene, looked at every seagull on the way back and talked about their lives and what their names might be, he helped me make lunch, we did the shop chatting and him sitting in the trolley, we made fairy cakes, we went to the playground before it got dark and you better believe I was scrolling my phone as he ran around with his mate! So if you’d seen that you’d have judged but the rest of the day he had my 100% engagement and attention.

He’s never ever been allowed to watch a tablet or phone in his buggy and his vocab and understanding of the world is amazing as a result, we spend the time chatting or pointing things out. I don’t like seeing that either really but that’s my personal opinion and I understand that there may well be a good reason. When we go to a restaurant or cafe he takes those water painting books or stickers etc (which takes advance prep and thought and some parents maybe just havnt had the time) and sometimes if he’s been good and eaten his food he’s allowed to watch something on my phone (with headphones in!) or sometimes I’ve let him do that as he’s squiggling about and I actually want to eat MY food.

So try not to judge, you see a snippet most of the time! Hard enough being a parent sometimes without thinking you’re being judged and scolded by random strangers who have seen fuck all of your day and life.

And unless he’s watching Ben and Holly (sadly he’s gone off it and it’s bloody PJ masks now) I’m not watching it, so I’m probably either getting jobs done or chilling on my phone. same as if he’s happily engaged playing with something on his own (a very important skill to have)

Thing is unless you go over their shoulder and peer to see exactly what they’re doing, the post IS about you - because it’s assumed anyone looking at their phone is “doom scrolling”

I have a child who is quite good at playing on their own. Sometimes when he's doing this I just want to veg out a bit. It could be reading the paper or a book or a quick Instagram scroll.

We do play with him, read to him and take him lots of places. I don't think children need your full attention all the time though and if you choose to spend the time they are occupied reading the news then what is the problem? I don't think I need to be watching paw patrol alongside him. Surely that's my downtime too!

The only thing that makes me pause is that unconciousreflex to check my phone I get at random points of the day. I don't think that's a problem just for parents though.

You see neglectful parenting. I see efficient multitasking. At least in this day and age we can use our phones while keeping an eye on the kids. How many kids in the past had accidents because their parents had to answer a phone that was tied to the wall?

Ok so don't get offended by people's assumptions? If you know its not about you what's the point getting arsey about it?

THIS

When I was young they blamed TV and rap music. Always someone or something to blame when perhaps the blazers might want to look at more than the superficial stuff when it comes to their parenting

That's not what I said.

Watch TV with them rather than sitting scrolling

Oh the irony 🤣

But how do you know what people are doing?

As for playing with them in the park - why? Children need to learn how to both play independently and play with other kids. Helicopter parenting isn’t cool.

Because actually, the people it IS about, probably are no more guilty of being bad parents than I am.

that's the point. Outrage that parents look on their phone, but no thinking about the bigger picture, why they're on their phone, or what they might have done the rest of the day. And saying no one shoudl ever be on their phone is using a sledgehammer to kill a fruit fly when there's a ginormous poisonous snake right there.

I commented upthread and agree the issue isn’t ban phones and that people use them but for example today the kids go swimming after school. For 40 minutes they’ll be in the pool and over that whole time out of about 50 people there’s less than a quart of that that don’t just stare at phones. Not to book something but for the entire time. I’ve regularly had to tip people and say ‘sorry I think your child is looking for you’. And yes I’ve had days I’ve only tiny windows to get to check my phone and I’ve had a proper phone addiction (I’m an author that promotes on sm but I work a 30 hour week and have 4 kids) but come on, don’t spend the whole of the lesson on your phone- your child wants you to see what they’re doing!

Because it IS about people who “gawp” at their phones. How can’t it be? You have no idea why other people are gawping if it’s for the “admin” stuff or if they’re scrolling on TikTok

And TBH if they are scrolling on TikTok so what. Women are allowed a few minutes of time about them now and again.

One of the most interesting pieces of research I read recently was one that concluded that, despite modern concerns that parents don’t spend enough time actively engaged with their children, as a result of technology, or work outside the home, or whatever, the average modern mother spends twice as much time in active engagement with her children as the average mother did fifty years ago https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2017/11/27/parents-now-spend-twice-as-much-time-with-their-children-as-50-years-ago

'I think people who look at others and think “I’ve only seen 10 seconds of their life but it MUST be like that ALL THE TIME” are embarrassingly dim.'

This is what I would've said five years ago. Also similar if you see a mum scrolling with a baby in hand - it's just for ten seconds, not her whole day...

But now. It's become soo normal. Everywhere I go. Every time I see parents and children together - one of them, at least, is on a screen. My own husband grabs his phone as soon as he sits, and no- he doesn't get off it after ten seconds. These things have become far too addictive. Grown up-s are addicted and in denial. When you are used to the digital dopamine everything else around you is a bit dull and feels like waste of time - you rush to finish the tasks to go back staring at the screen; you click on the same little apps even if you haven't decided consciously to go on these apps, the panic when you don't find the phone near you is real.
It's gone too far. And the children lose out.

Surely by how long it takes. And that’s up to them to control and not get it out unless they need it

I think op in principle I agree with your post, however I also think it's problematic in that you're judging on a tiny snapshot of someone's parenting. You don't know how long they've been using the device or how responsive they've been to their child the rest of the day. You don't know what else is going on in their world that they have responsibilities to such as friends or family needing support- or perhaps they themselves are the ones needing connection and support. I also think people are quick to criticise parents using screens to distract children in restaurants, but let's be honest, there's also many posts on here complaining that children shouldn't be out in restaurants unless they're quiet and settled which is much harder for some children than others.

I try to limit screen time for my ds as much as possible but if you'd seen me yesterday you'd have been saying the same about me because I was wiped out with a migraine and needed ds to sit safely and be entertained while I waited for my painkillers to work so he got much more screen time than he ever normally would get. Most days he gets none at all.

Realistically our children are growing up in a very different world than we grew up in and for me, I want to find a healthy balance for ds but as a lone parent who works full time and sometimes gets ill or has certain things that need doing, it's difficult to avoid altogether.

@H34th is right.
WE ARE IN DENIAL!
Nothing is going to change until we confront the problem and stop making excuses.

I mean quite! Often if I go to the park it's to meet a friend with kids so we are trying to have a chat while the kids crack on. If it's just me and my kid is happy then I might send a few WhatsApps to keep the social aspect up. Honestly parenting is hard and lonely enough without policing what parents do when their kids are happily occupied. What do people think happened for the rest of human history? We now spend far more quality time with out children, even with phones!

For me it can take much more than a few seconds or even a few minutes to book a train ticket.

Or what if they have something else to do straight after that?

How long are you staring at these people for?

Maybe they’re putting an SOS out about the woman staring at them and timing them?

OP predictably you have got a lot of pushback because loads of parents use their phones and give small children and babies ipads and phones to keep them quiet.
It is what is leading to poor child development as a trend.

People used to have bigger families and older siblings did a lot of the raising in so many families I know. And then there is those of us who sat in the car while parents were in the pub! All the pearl clutching over phones, people want to remember how disengaged parents really were 30, 40, 50 years ago

I think children's childhoods are being messed up now this is getting worse, partly because people are so uncomfortable with feeling uncomfortable. You read all these posts and people feel attacked, they just want to feel better about themselves, they explain it away. We need to get better at feeling awkward, wrong, maybe we're making mistakes. And to be together with it - we are ALL affected by these incredibly addictive technologies, we're all struggling, no one is pointing the finger. But let's face up to it.

why on earth are the parents watching the lesson? Is that a requirement? Because franky, if my child is in that lesson, I guarantee I'm in the cafe, not watching it. And if, for some reason, I AM at the poolside, and you came over to tell me my child wanted me to look, I'd immediately put you into the bucket of "irtitating parent who can never take a break from their child."

I send my children to various sclasses to get new skills, but also to make new friends, learn how to interact when Im' not there smoothing the way, and gain independence. DD's dance school, which does not allow parents to even remain in the building, has been life changing for her confidence.

That sounds positive. But in my own experience if I wasn't with my mother or she was not able to pay attention to me- I always had other people. I was minded by extended family, or I was just out in the street - the neighbours knew me and talked to me, the children knew me and played with me. That 'village' is gone in many places. So you need to balance the findings of the research against that.
It's true that mothers work extra hard, it's also true that often they are too depleted to do anything else but stare at their screen.
It's really a society issue but being conscious about your screen usage around children is still very important.