To find this unattractive or am I just really unsociable?

[SENMUM959]

There’s something I’ve noticed about my partner that I’m starting to find quite unattractive, but I quite like and prefer my own company, so I might have a biased view on it!

She has had quite a lot of time off work recently for personal reasons, and I’ve noticed that she just cannot spend time on her own. If not seeing me, then she’s constantly trying to find someone she can go round and visit, even if that means contacting person after person until she finds someone available. She then ends up conveniently staying for meal times and can often go days without having to cook for herself because she’s offloaded herself at someone else’s house.

Now I’m quite an isolated person and prefer my own company over anyone else’s (apart from DC of course), but I’m starting to find this behaviour quite needy and desperate and quite unattractive that a woman in her 30’s can’t just enjoy her own company for a couple of days.

AIBU here or is it just a personality difference/clash?

Have you spoken to her and asked if she is ok?

You said she has had time off for personal reasons, is her mental health suffering and maybe she needs to be around people?

Also is this a new thing?

YANBU.

i was an only child who grew up in an abusive household so can’t understand people like this

Sorry meant to say I had to be self reliant

My first thought was trauma, often people with deep rooted trauma can't bear to be alone with their own thoughts. It's okay if that's not for you, you can end a relationship for any reason at all.

You’re right. It’s unattractive. I had a friend like this who actually said to me that she cannot stand to be alone even for five minutes. She needed someone else there to almost validate her very existence. Your DP sounds a whole lot extra - even the CFery of the food angle. YANBU. I’d have the ick.

I’ve had a friend like this and I found them so overbearing. They would ring people none stop until they answered, bombard them with texts and just generally force themselves upon other people.

I have never been able to understand people who can’t just do something or be on their own.

Your partner sounds like a freeloader. Do they never invite people over and return the favour or is it always about who they can see for a free meal and a warm space to save on their own expenses?

She is okay, I’ve sort of mentioned it before and she’s made comments about “being bored” on her own and after the visits and usually dinner she’s had round there it’s comments about “ooo, I didn’t have to cook for myself tonight” which makes me think it’s more of a being a CF rather than struggling and needing the company.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of her relationships with family - so siblings and parents are one of the groups she does this with visit wise and meals wise - are very one sided and they are never inviting her, it’s always her chasing to spend time with them. Equally with friends, she’s only got one friend that really bothers with her, and the others it’s always her chasing - that’s why I said about the being needy and desperate part.

Do you touch base with her when she gets home - chat about your day etc. Cook together. Odd that she can not take solitude in her own home with herself for hours.
Can she read?
Does she have a dog?
A hobby?

We don’t live together, sorry I didn’t make that clear in my post!

I think it's just a difference in social needs.
I'm like you and crave my own company and space. I don't need company and do many activities alone. I'm a trail runner and enjoy running by myself. People I know have helpfully suggested I join a running group because they can't conceive doing things on their own. It doesn't occur to them that I would choose it.

Some people don't like being alone. They need someone else to bounce off. It's horses for courses.

It could be that your difference may lead to incompatibility. Fine if you can respect one another's needs. She may take your social reticence as a personal slight, you may find the pressure of being with someone socially needful cloying and annoying.

Maybe you aren't suited?

The key think that strikes me here is that you don’t seem to think much of your ‘partner’. It sounds as if the relationship has run its course, and as if you were never that compatible.

I would find that offputting too. It shows a weak character. YANBU.

You sound jealous of her popularity OP, if people didn't want her round then they'd say no or make an excuse.

I agree with this.

I'm like you, OP. Enjoy my own company, but some people just don't.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with that. I think perhaps you just aren't suited to each other.

How ridiculous. No they don't. They find the neediness off putting.

I think that's so werid! I'd be annoyed if I had a friend that constantly needed to see me. Why can't she enjoy her own company? Read a book, bake, cook, paint, watch a film, workout/yoga etc. There was a study that discovered a link between after school clubs and kids struggling to enjoy unstructured time alone. So kids who had grown up with a full week and weekend of club's/ activies, struggle to spend time alone. These people grew up preferring to go to the gym and classes. Perhaps your partner might be better getting a gym pass? Might fill in her day better and she's around people.

That doesn’t mean someone is being unreasonable because they like company and you prefer to be alone

Did you even read his posts?

That makes a lot of sense. I often spent a fair bit of time alone when younger and am pretty comfortable in my own company

In terms of hobbies - she doesn’t have any. She keeps saying about going back to the gym, but she’s not got any motivation to do so as of yet

What does CF mean?

Sorry, I’m a female too, I didn’t make that very clear either!

Some people don't like being alone. They need someone else to bounce off. It's horses for courses.

Nevertheless, being alone is a skill(art?) that everyone should foster. Otherwise you become a nuisance to others as this woman appears to be doing.

It was clear to me from your user name that you are female!