To find this unattractive or am I just really unsociable?

[SENMUM959]

There’s something I’ve noticed about my partner that I’m starting to find quite unattractive, but I quite like and prefer my own company, so I might have a biased view on it!

She has had quite a lot of time off work recently for personal reasons, and I’ve noticed that she just cannot spend time on her own. If not seeing me, then she’s constantly trying to find someone she can go round and visit, even if that means contacting person after person until she finds someone available. She then ends up conveniently staying for meal times and can often go days without having to cook for herself because she’s offloaded herself at someone else’s house.

Now I’m quite an isolated person and prefer my own company over anyone else’s (apart from DC of course), but I’m starting to find this behaviour quite needy and desperate and quite unattractive that a woman in her 30’s can’t just enjoy her own company for a couple of days.

AIBU here or is it just a personality difference/clash?

Does she invite people to her place and make them dinner too or is she always trying to freeload?

She could be one of those people who just drain people so no one is really that enthusiastic to have her around.

She sounds like she isn’t a well developed person and needs other people around to fill in her gaps. It’s one thing being an extravert but it’s quite another being a drain. I wonder if when she leaves, the person thinks phew glad she’s gone (I don’t mean that to sound unkind but there are people like that, where you feel like you need a lie down after their visit just to regroup).

Ah sorry this happened to you. We learn it from an early age don’t we?

I do actually like time alone but like your partner am very sociable. I grew up in a household of 5 sisters. I live with DH and DS and as much as I adore them I do just love the company of women so have a lot of women friends.

You are at the extreme opposite ends of sociability. She is a social butterfly and you are well I’m unsure, people would assume introvert but your probably not that as they are actually sociable but just need battery recharge time. You state you prefer your own company, my ex was like that, anti social. My DH is a true introvert, loves socialising but needs a lot of time to recharge.

Just to answer the few people that have asked - no she doesn’t have people over to hers or repay the favour in any sort of way

Could she be going out ‘to avoid being with you’
Are there problems?

They don't live together, but nice try at blaming OP for her girlfriend's trashy behaviour.

Hmm I think one thing that is true from reading the hundreds of threads on here is that people do not do that, they have the person round under great sufferance or the person is so thick skinned that shirt of having the door shoved in their face they don’t take the hint.

Some people have no inner life nor inner dialogue and are therefore bored stupid and uncomfortable in their own company. IME it takes an awfully long time to teach someone who has no inner dialogue to develop one.

Absolutely not, she would see me all the time if she could, I’ve had to put down boundaries myself because it was starting to drain me having her around here so much @OssieShowman

She's not popular, she's invading other peoples house specifically at dinner time so she doesn't have to cook for herself!

Spending time with her is draining for you? This relationship isn’t really going anywhere is it if the long term plan is to move in together etc?

She does sound needy and exhausting and honestly I think I would worry she’s only with me because she doesn’t want to be alone.

It’s time to end the relationship

I would find this unattractive and very annoying. But then I thrive when I’m in my own company.

Maybe read her posts before blaming the OP?

what has she said that makes her sound jealous? I can’t see anything in any of OP posts.

Jealous?? 😂

You don’t really understand how some people tick, do you? Just read a few threads on here to learn how many women feel obligated and unable to say NO to their supposed friends and family. It’s actually quite depressing.

I think in the OP’s case, it’s far more likely that she is embarrassed by her ‘partner’ grifting off other people to save her cooking her sad meals for one, as the partner clearly doesn’t enjoy cooking and eating alone.

If there were reciprocal arrangements where the partner regularly returned the favour from her friends, then she wouldn’t be another annoying cheeky fucker.

But she clearly is a CF. In OP’s shoes, I’d bin her off.

I'm.only wondering why your boundary isn't a hard goodbye, see you never.

Same.

YANBU. This would drive me mad, I find that kind of neediness and inabiltity to be in your own company really weird. It does sound like there's something going on with her, though - is this new behaviour?

Have you asked her why?

YANBU. I had a friend like this who couldn't even commute home from work without having to talk to someone on the phone the entire time. She'd call me and our other friends (and just any acquaintances if she was desperate) any time she was on a bus/train and then abruptly end the call like "okay I'm getting off now bye" when she didn't need us to keep her entertained any more. She was also similar to your partner in that she couldn't spend a single evening alone.

Eventually (after over a decade of friendship) our relationship fell off because she became increasingly controlling/paranoid when I didn't want to spend time with her. She thought it was hugely insulting that I wanted to spend a Tuesday night in by myself, and just couldn't understand why someone would choose that.

My DH I just the same. Luckily he has hobbies so tootles off with like minded friends Monday to Friday. Loves bumping into people walking the dogs. He's a Duracell bunny up early ready to go.

Encourage her back to the gym.

The CFs of this world are very good at identifying and targeting weak people who can't say no.

What are the positives in your relationship?

I find this kind of needy extrovert who can't be on their own a bit baffling and a little exhausting too. However it's not exactly an abnormal personality type. Some of them are good friends of mine, though I couldn't live with them.

The biggest issue here is that OP doesn't seem to actually like her partner. In fact she mostly seems to feel contempt for her. Why on earth are you in a relationship with someone you don't like?