To find this unattractive or am I just really unsociable?

[SENMUM959]

There’s something I’ve noticed about my partner that I’m starting to find quite unattractive, but I quite like and prefer my own company, so I might have a biased view on it!

She has had quite a lot of time off work recently for personal reasons, and I’ve noticed that she just cannot spend time on her own. If not seeing me, then she’s constantly trying to find someone she can go round and visit, even if that means contacting person after person until she finds someone available. She then ends up conveniently staying for meal times and can often go days without having to cook for herself because she’s offloaded herself at someone else’s house.

Now I’m quite an isolated person and prefer my own company over anyone else’s (apart from DC of course), but I’m starting to find this behaviour quite needy and desperate and quite unattractive that a woman in her 30’s can’t just enjoy her own company for a couple of days.

AIBU here or is it just a personality difference/clash?

YANBU

Lots of people are like this, both men and women. It's extremely draining. Run away fast would be my advice.

Let her find someone as needy as her!

You really don't sound like you like her at all tbh, you're reading a lot of very negative implications and motivations into her activities, personality and way of life. Are you sure this is a relationship you want to be in? I'd be gutted if my 'partner' had these uncharitable thoughts about me.

She sounds like a needy sponger-they are probably all trying to hide when she turns up!

I'm presuming this sort of behaviour isn't new? I wouldn't want to go out with someone like this.

Your username includes the word 'mum'- you're not the idiot here!

It really sounds as if this relationship has run its course, @SENMUM959.

YANBU. I have met people like this who can’t bear to be alone. It’s a highly unattractive trait made worse by the CFery as regards meals. I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone like that. Maybe you’re not suited.

My ex partner was very much like that, couldn't stand to be on his own. Constantly needs attention from someone.i am the total opposite, I dunno about you but the more people push me, thinking they have a right to all my time. the more introverted I get. IV never felt such relief after I broke him off. Only you know if you can handle it forever

It’s clear you are quite different in your needs but from what you write I’m also wondering whether your partner is getting proper help for whatever reason she is off work and if she is getting enough therapy to process things. It sounds like she’s avoiding working through her issues, or maybe her mental health is taking a toll? (What did she do for meals before this started? Did she ever cook or was it more take aways, eating at work etc?).

I think you can do one of 2 things: either let this behaviour get in the way of your relationship (and end it, because you clearly find this very unattractive) or you tell her you’re worried about her behaviour and hope she’ll find help to tackle her issues. If you are close to her family AND you think they have similar worries you could chat to them about her behaviour and create a united front, but I would be wary of saying stuff like “people don’t want to meet up with you anymore because you are so needy” because a) you’re not sure that’s the actual truth b) it’s about what you’re seeing / how you view her current behaviour. If you discuss it with her you have to be prepared for her to not want any help, you also have to be prepared to discover that even if she gets help for which ever issues she’s avoiding, this might just be typical for her- ie always wanting to be around people. And then you’ll have to decide whether you want to stay with someone who doesn’t accept they have a problem or who is just more in need of social contact than you.

I have offers to go places every night if the week.
That's lovely, but the OP's GF imposes herself on people, to the extent they now avoid her calls.

I have a friend who’s like this. She’ll even pop into work to say hi to people on her day off as she gets lonely. I find it insane.

Yes my ex was the same, and also abusive to boot. It's so suffocating

You just sound incompatible to me.
I require a lot of alone time and so does my partner, we don’t live together yet.
My previous partner however was very keen to have ALL of my attention and I found it a little suffocating at times.
I see it as a form of immaturity, an inability to stop and smell the roses so to speak.
Good luck OP

It’s unattractive to me and I would find it suffocating.

It’s worrying that her own family and friends make excuses to not see her especially her family choosing to meet up with each other but often leave her out. If it’s because she only takes than that is understandable and that is something that should be addressed or she will find herself alone.

I think you can be social but also not want someone next to you all the time. There is varying degrees of what people are comfortable with and obviously, you are not comfortable with hers so better to part ways than continue so both of you can find people who are more suitable for you both.

Apart from this trait do you like her? If not move on, but if you perhaps find a way to help her. Point out what’s happening and suggest therapy to understand where the need comes from. And you might need to be frank that she will end up with no friends/ family if she doesn’t stop imposing.

I think Mumsnet can be a really bad echo chamber on this topic.

Yes OP, you are unsociable, but to twist the fact she is sociable into some sort of character defect is deeply unpleasant. If I read your comments about me, it would be an instant end to the relationship, mostly because you think so badly of her, and still haven’t the decency to end the relationship.

Just to bring another perspective- she is nurturing friendships, she obviously places importance of having and maintaining friendships. I do too. You seem not to.

She's not sociable. She doesn't nurture friendships. It sounds like she goes through her contact list and will hang around anyone who will have her, hoping to be hosted and not repay the favour! All because she can't stand her own company

My friends mother does this! I find it needy, clingy and bizarre! The first second she's on her own, she's clamouring to spend time with people, as if she can't bear one second alone! If she can't find anyone to foist herself on to, she will literally send messages to family saying no-one cares about her!!! It's the weirdest behaviour!
I live for time on my own, I've always been fine with my own company. Maybe that's the reason I find it odd!

YANBU. I know someone like this, she is a single mum and will often have any random around the house just to keep her company. I can’t imagine constantly having people in my home or out visiting people. Not saying either one is wrong or right but you are valid in how you are feeling

Agreed.
She is a CF user that imposes on people, to such an extent her own family avoid her.

Maybe, but she hasn’t been given the right of reply, though. Has she?

She’s been rubbished by someone she thinks she can trust, and OP herself is only starting to admit how much she dislikes her own partner. The fact OP can so roundly dislike so much of her character, and yet is still in the relationship says a lot about OP, and none of it nice.

If she’s not good enough, she’s not good enough. At least free her up to have a relationship with someone who likes her for who she actually is.

She sounds incredibly needy and dependant. It would bother me too. She needs some kind of help to boost her self worth, to be comfortable alone, but unless she acknowledges that she has an actual problem and seeks therapy she will continue like this. Can you continue to hold your boundaries firm or do you worry that she'll creep past them, wear you down.

I used to have a friend like this and I remember once she got really angry with me because I didn’t want to go somewhere with her when I was planning to go somewhere by myself, she just could not understand why I would want to do something alone.

Some people like company, some Don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️..
We are all different…
If my partner spoke about me the way you just have about yours , I’d be very disappointed…
Ye are not suited …..

Nope, not a kettle hunter. I like my own company, but I also like to potter around the house, knowing my hubby is in another room doing his thing. I don’t like people just turning up on my doorstep unannounced either.

I'm very much like you I prefer my own company most of the time I know a few people that are always surrounding themselves with others all day everyday and I personally couldn't hack that . I'd say the relationship has ran its course your personalitys and needs seem to be very different and while that can work for some I can see it won't here