To find this unattractive or am I just really unsociable?

[SENMUM959]

There’s something I’ve noticed about my partner that I’m starting to find quite unattractive, but I quite like and prefer my own company, so I might have a biased view on it!

She has had quite a lot of time off work recently for personal reasons, and I’ve noticed that she just cannot spend time on her own. If not seeing me, then she’s constantly trying to find someone she can go round and visit, even if that means contacting person after person until she finds someone available. She then ends up conveniently staying for meal times and can often go days without having to cook for herself because she’s offloaded herself at someone else’s house.

Now I’m quite an isolated person and prefer my own company over anyone else’s (apart from DC of course), but I’m starting to find this behaviour quite needy and desperate and quite unattractive that a woman in her 30’s can’t just enjoy her own company for a couple of days.

AIBU here or is it just a personality difference/clash?

You don't like her very much so whether or not she's behaving in a reasonable manner is irrelevant. You are clearly not compatible.

It does rather sound like she has a tendency to freeload or be a CF, in which case you not liking her is not unreasonable. However I would say that some people really do need to be around people all the time. I have a brother like this and when he was younger and single, he DEFINITELY did an annoying abot of "freeloading" in terms of being with friends at dinner etc. But when you scratched a little deeper you'd find that he was strugglig hugely financially and with his mental health and that he had a large circle of friends who were all very happy to have him because he might be eating their food, but he was also the first one to turn up when they needed a babysitter, when they were moving house, when they had an event for which they needed support. He's godfather to a frighteningly large number of children because his friends have always found him to be an incredibly proactive and present person for themselves and their children. So it's not always as clearcut as it might seen.

Yes, exactly! If I were at the point of starting an internet thread to get strangers to agree with me about how unattractive and needy and freeloading my partner was, I’d probably just end things.

How is the OPs partner popular? She's been inviting HERSELF, putting on people and by the sounds of it wearing people down until they agree to see her/ spend time with her.

OP I have a friend like this. Not the food thing but the constant need to be with someone, anyone to do something. anything. She works through her friends list sending the same message for meeting up, until someone says yes. She buys a lot of gifts for people. I personally think that is her way of trying to make people feel guilty if they turn her down. Almost like you are made to feel that you owe her as she has treated you. These are not necessarily expensive gifts. But imo certainly ott in terms of the amount of gifts. She cannot spend more than 5 minutes alone, do anything alone or bear to be alone.

It's no wonder her family don't invite her round They know full well she is going to foist herself upon them at some post so don't bother with an invitation as this would encourage even more visits.

You sound quite judgmental of your girlfriend who's maybe just a bit lonely?

If she doesn't respect your boundaries and tries to push you to spend more time together then it's a reason to reconsider the relationship but her social life is on her.

No I couldn’t bear it. I have a friend like this. Always sofa surfing. I don’t get it. I like to be at home

If she just wanted to be sociable, then she'd sometimes invite people to hers, or meet them in pubs, restaurants, events, museums etc. the fact she seems to take great pleasure in obtaining free food at others houses is a piss take.

It's supposed to be reciprocated. People will start noticing. Even my mum, the most generous person ever, has had her rope with one friend.
She now refuses to cook when she visits as it seems like she's only there for the free meals!

At the very least your friend should be bringing round booze, or a nice gift if someone feeds them. But even then people aren't stupid.

You should tell her it looks bad and why can't she invite people out for a meal if they cooked for her before? Tell her if it were you you'd find it rude and CF-esque.

Your partner sounds like the family scapegoat. They may not have met her emotional needs or given her a sense of being OK, which is perhaps why she is constantly chasing nurturance (food etc) and validation from others. This chasing puts people off, which becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy that she is not good enough, but she keeps trying (chasing). The chasing is a sign of her trying to deal with all this in the only way that she knows how. She probably needs professional help to unravel all this, but can't do that if she isn't aware that there is a problem.

While I empathise with her, I understand why this is not attractive to you.

Tbh, on my days off, I usually plan in tons of plans and will happily see different people everyday. It's different now I'm married with a young baby ofc, but that's how I was. I didn't stay for tea lol, but I'm just quite extraverted and would always choose to be around someone if it's an option.

I also sometimes go through periods when I'm a shut in for a month whilst I play a video game 🤣🤷

She's not necessarily in the wrong, but neither of you. Sounds like you're just very different!

How does this reflect in your relationship OP? Do you feel used?

OP, this relationship isn't right for you. You're not compatible. At all.

does she live alone?

but if you don't live together then unless you are staring through her window 24/7 i'm sure she will spend time at home/alone. Nor can you know that what other chats conversations she is having with people. I imagine her own family don't mind her visiting or they'd not let her visit.

Some people like to be out and about, or go visiting rather than sit at home day after day. A bit bizarre to see someone visiting their friends as being a user?

I don't think you like her personality, which is fine. probably best to break up.

I do at times yeah, I’ve had to call her out on a couple of things such as me doing everything and her being a bit lazy at times with certain things

I don't think how attractive oner person finds another is ever really about being reasonable. You are obviously put off by your partner's neediness, perhaps so much that you'll need to break up with her. It's a shame if you love her in other ways, but that's life sometimes.
The only thing that might help is her having therapy - doesn't sound as if she can change on her own.

It could be that she didn’t get her needs met as a child and so she’s looking to have them met. Perhaps she doesn’t really care if people are doing it out of obligation. Maybe she just needs the security and safety of knowing they will do those things. Maybe she doesn’t know how to build two way friendships and picks up on the feeling of being abandoned which makes her needy ? Like maybe she’s sabotaging or doesn’t have the tools to make a friendship and realise or know how - stuff you take for granted. She can probably feel people pulling a way and so she grabs as she doesn’t know how to cultivate any other way. She might be acting desperate and needy cos she is desperate and needy & friendships aren’t easily won for her so it’s just this cycle of insecurity.

I think the food might be about wanting to feel looked after and loved.

In any case, if you don’t respect her and aren’t attracted to her, let go, otherwise you’re just as needy and desperate clinging to someone you don’t even admire. Oh the irony.

OP you are getting a hard time by some posters. I posted about a friend being needy and I got told I was a shit friend. Unless you're in the situation, no one will understand.

I get you OP.

I agree. There's no right or wrong here, but you're obviously not compatible.

Your friend sounds like a using CF that imposes on people, that subsequently try to avoid her.

She invites herself over, staus too long until they eventually feed her, and she then thinks shd has scored.

She sounds odious and I would ne wondering why you want to be associated with such a CF especially when you have a child.

She's a user.

It isn't that though. I'm sure lots of introverts enjoy socialising but we have hobbies and interests that we prefer to do alone.

From experience, I find it almost abusive to attach yourself to someone and suffocate and drain the life out of them. You become their entertainment and that's all you're for. They've got nothing interesting to talk about because they have no interests...they just want someone to talk at.

My person has been known to exclaim "You're so boring!" or "Just talk!!". And then there's the sulking when their needs aren't met. And yes, maybe they have experienced trauma but so have a lot of introverts and we just deal with it alone.

My sister in law is like this. Does each and every damn thing with the husband. Even fetches him from work, during his lunch break. I'm even surprised she doesn't wipe his bum. Constantly needs someone to talk to through out the day, phones me or my mother in law. Whoever she can phone. As she is doing school runs, she is on the phone. Washing the dishes,she will call , with a video call, mind you. I have concluded that it all boils down to validation.

This is another of those threads I don't get. It's normal to be sociable. I have offers to go places every night if the week. I actively remove myself from WhatsApp groups because otherwise I would never have time to see my kids/tidy up/go swimming. My husband on the other hand makes no effort to see people at all. He is always home. I don't know why extroverts and introverts couple up so often but they do! I remember my husband saying to me 'I've never had anyone listen to me like you do' on an early date. I have a skill in bringing shy people out..that fosters connection. He keeps the home fires burning leaving me free to get out and about. Sometimes he comes with me, often he stays home on the computer. Sometimes I wish we were a couple who socialised together. But I never force him to come out, nor does he question my need for wider engagement with the world or try and keep me in. We've been together nearly 20 years, have three lovely boys and no massive dramas/affairs have occurred. Our sons are reasonably outgoing but not so much as me...maybe that's why we attract...creating a good balance in the next generation! Anyway my point is...tolerance is all. You won't change someone so either leave her or accept your differences.

The problem I can see is if you ever end up living together she will be suffocating like this with you. You might end up being expected to buy everything, cook everything and keep her entertained all the time.
Sge dies sound like a CF.

Is she the youngest sibling OP?

A lot of people are like that, I know some.

I'm somewhere in the middle in that I like to get out and see people but not all the time. I know people on the other extreme who hate going out, make excuses, cancel plans, prefer to be on their own at home most of the time etc. which I would say is more common.

If you're both extremes there will always be a clash, if you're in the middle you can usually get along with some compromises.

It's an anxiety thing so to describe it as needy is a bit harsh. Some people feel the need to be around people to feel safe and panic on their own. She can look into getting help with that if she's not happy.

Sorry, I’m a female too, I didn’t make that very clear either!

Apologies! I didn't even look at your username which was pretty stupid of me. Sorry for assuming. I do still think you need to walk away and find someone you gel with far better than this.