Page 5 | Are relationships worth it??

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 2025-02-09T16:12:19+00:00

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too. Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships. 1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful 1. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes. 1. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

Germanymunch · 09/02/2025 20:56

Being single is a lot simpler, but not for the reasons mentioned in your op for me. My issue is I always seem to be cheated on and lied to. I've had very little back in as much as I could say any of them truly loved me and was always treated like a helpful (used to cook/clean, earn etc) housemate they could have sex with. I've come to the opinion that men are simply so different to what I can accept as a life partner (dishonest, loose morals, manipulating, and honestly not very interesting, funny or bright - on the whole) that I'd rather not share my living space or time with them. What's the point?

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:57

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 20:43

I hear you. For me, I examined the constant factor in all my failed relationships, which was me. My wife and I found each other later in life, we were both in our 40s. Whilst I wish we had done so sooner, and indeed, by a quirk of fate, we hung out in many of the same places at the same time over the years, but never met, I don't think I was ready for her.

Whilst I hated some of the experiences in the way I suspect you do, I needed them to grow. I only hope I can be as much of an enhancement to her life as she has been to mine.

Ironically, I wasn't looking either, I had pretty much given up. I am delighted that she hadn't, and invested the effort to help me to see the light.

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It’s good to hear your orbit finally collided! And I’m sure you bring as much as she does

im quite a bit older than 40s, so I think my moment has passed 😁

I have, of course, self reflected and it may just be I’m not cut out for relationships. I have definitely walked away from relationships others would have worked through

I do also think I might view relationships differently. Forever doesn’t need to be the aim. Aside from a couple of rotten relationships…I have always had amicable ends and appreciated the part the person played in my life. And hopefully mine in theirs

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HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 21:06

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:57

It’s good to hear your orbit finally collided! And I’m sure you bring as much as she does

im quite a bit older than 40s, so I think my moment has passed 😁

I have, of course, self reflected and it may just be I’m not cut out for relationships. I have definitely walked away from relationships others would have worked through

I do also think I might view relationships differently. Forever doesn’t need to be the aim. Aside from a couple of rotten relationships…I have always had amicable ends and appreciated the part the person played in my life. And hopefully mine in theirs

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It shouldn't be work. That's one of the things I didn't understand before. With my wife there is very little effort in the way you mean (I think). I try to be the best version of me that I can be, for her, but other than that, there has been has been very little change required. We just fit together in ways I didn't think were possible.

The fact that you created the thread alludes to there being some level of discomfort with the status quo, and in a way, one of the reasons I am happy now is that I was also happy by myself. I think many people aren't happy by themselves and seek to plug the gap by forming relationships artificially.

It is a strange and bizarre life, for sure.

Youagain2025 · 09/02/2025 21:14

Germanymunch · 09/02/2025 20:56

Being single is a lot simpler, but not for the reasons mentioned in your op for me. My issue is I always seem to be cheated on and lied to. I've had very little back in as much as I could say any of them truly loved me and was always treated like a helpful (used to cook/clean, earn etc) housemate they could have sex with. I've come to the opinion that men are simply so different to what I can accept as a life partner (dishonest, loose morals, manipulating, and honestly not very interesting, funny or bright - on the whole) that I'd rather not share my living space or time with them. What's the point?

I felt simlar to this. When I met my ex I thought he was lovely .he was kind, loving generous. When we lived together it was like having another child. But it felt harder than having another child. What i also found hard was that I could see that the woman in his life . Ie his mum , adult daughter, sister. Done everything for him. And once his feet were under the table he thought i would be the same . I was for a whike to be honest. When we split i felt a massive weight lift.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 21:20

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 21:06

It shouldn't be work. That's one of the things I didn't understand before. With my wife there is very little effort in the way you mean (I think). I try to be the best version of me that I can be, for her, but other than that, there has been has been very little change required. We just fit together in ways I didn't think were possible.

The fact that you created the thread alludes to there being some level of discomfort with the status quo, and in a way, one of the reasons I am happy now is that I was also happy by myself. I think many people aren't happy by themselves and seek to plug the gap by forming relationships artificially.

It is a strange and bizarre life, for sure.

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People keep telling me - relationships are work. Which is why I keep saying - is it worth it!?!? It sounds like you’ve found the perfect balance which is great.

Yes, I’m very happy by myself and I don’t get lonely easily. I’ve also got a lot going on between work and social stuff. I actually find it quite difficult to fit a full blown relationship in!

I am happy that the status quo works for some. Beautiful examples in this thread. But I don’t hold it as the gold standard, no. Alternatives are equally valid 😊

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Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 21:31

Germanymunch · 09/02/2025 20:56

Being single is a lot simpler, but not for the reasons mentioned in your op for me. My issue is I always seem to be cheated on and lied to. I've had very little back in as much as I could say any of them truly loved me and was always treated like a helpful (used to cook/clean, earn etc) housemate they could have sex with. I've come to the opinion that men are simply so different to what I can accept as a life partner (dishonest, loose morals, manipulating, and honestly not very interesting, funny or bright - on the whole) that I'd rather not share my living space or time with them. What's the point?

You know, it’s funny, this is the one area I’ve actually been pretty lucky. I’ve most likely been cheated on here and there. (Couple of suspicions but didn’t investigate too thoroughly.) This is something I should definitely be grateful for

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Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 21:34

jotex · 09/02/2025 20:28

I’m single and live in a foreign country where I know practically no one, so quite lonely too…but I like it. It sounds silly, but I’m really happy with my little life. I spend a lot of time on my own and I like my own company, but I still crave someone. Not a relationship, not a FWB, just something in between I suppose. I’ve been seeing a man for a few months who fits the bill perfectly for now. We’re taking things slow but talked about the possibility of being “official” but really I don’t want that. I’m happy with dates and sex, but I want to go home at the end of the night and be alone. Argh

It doesn’t sound silly at all! I probably feel very similarly to you. I actually really like being on my own too. And I absolutely love coming home to my own space on my own. Nothing better

But I do enjoy dates and chats and sex 😊

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Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 21:37

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 20:40

There's always people in these threads who simply cannot understand that for some other people, being single is perfect. They always think it's because you haven't met the right man. No. Some - loads of - people would take solitude over every single other person that exists.

It's a different kind of freedom. I can do whatever I want - without a second thought. There's no layer of 'im sure it'll be fine, I'll just check with Pete.' The mental difference is huge.

The mental difference does matter. Pete is being reasonable. But the checking with him feels weighty

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gannett · 09/02/2025 22:09

Relationships with the right people are always worth it, relationships with the wrong people are never worth it.

Relationships includes friendships, neighbours, acquaintances, professional contacts as well as romantic relationships. "Right people" isn't a fixed thing for everyone, it means compatibility.

I don't think any relationship in which you consistently feel you lose your freedom or have to put your own needs to the side is worth it, no.

I'm someone who loved being single, loved the freedom, loved the selfishness. I'm very happy with my own company and have never really felt lonely by myself. The only reason my current relationship was worth it is because DP enhanced my life, on balance, without taking away what I found important.

And yes, relationships require compromise and effort - even platonic friendships, the older you get. With the right people you get really good stuff back - joy and laughter and all that - and yes, it's worth it.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 09/02/2025 22:09

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:36

I have been in a very toxic relationship. Again a very long time ago. (I learned my lesson) But what I would say is, I would never judge someone for not having the strength or self respect to leave. A terrible relationship takes everything from you. Your self worth and more importantly, your strength. And the one thing you need to get out of a bad relationship is strength.

I’m not scared of having children. I co-parented my children to adulthood with my ex husband. I’d say we did an excellent job

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Everyone has been in a toxic relationship at some point pretty much. I don’t judge anyone for being in one longer than they should. I just get so tired of the ones who do it over and over and over, they never learn and fail to see they are the problem. These people really should just be single because they couldn’t handle a healthy relationship even if it landed on their lap with a bow on.

gannett · 09/02/2025 22:11

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 21:06

It shouldn't be work. That's one of the things I didn't understand before. With my wife there is very little effort in the way you mean (I think). I try to be the best version of me that I can be, for her, but other than that, there has been has been very little change required. We just fit together in ways I didn't think were possible.

The fact that you created the thread alludes to there being some level of discomfort with the status quo, and in a way, one of the reasons I am happy now is that I was also happy by myself. I think many people aren't happy by themselves and seek to plug the gap by forming relationships artificially.

It is a strange and bizarre life, for sure.

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Yes this is true for me.

Yes with a relationship there's a touch more compromising to be made than if it was just me by myself. But it feels easy, it doesn't feel like work.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 22:17

I much prefer single life. Kids growing up, one day it will just be me and the dog, and no worries about that at all as I know they will visit, and vice versa. I genuinely think my parents terrible relationship (always arguing, toxic, not protecting DC from that) has had a life long effect on me. So lucky to have 2 lovely teens and we live in harmony (DS now at uni and will be moving in with his gf after uni this year). I haven’t had to tell them off in years. I cannot life in a house where voices are regularly raised and when you don’t know what you’re going home to. For me no benefit of a relationship makes that worthwhile.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 22:26

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 22:17

I much prefer single life. Kids growing up, one day it will just be me and the dog, and no worries about that at all as I know they will visit, and vice versa. I genuinely think my parents terrible relationship (always arguing, toxic, not protecting DC from that) has had a life long effect on me. So lucky to have 2 lovely teens and we live in harmony (DS now at uni and will be moving in with his gf after uni this year). I haven’t had to tell them off in years. I cannot life in a house where voices are regularly raised and when you don’t know what you’re going home to. For me no benefit of a relationship makes that worthwhile.

100% agree. I also brought up my children in calm with very few telling offs and pretty much no punishments. They were not needed. They turned into calm and considerate adults.

A harmonious home is one of my top priorities

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WaltzingWaters · 09/02/2025 22:27

Surely that depends entirely on the relationship you’re in and relationships you’ve had in the past, and your personal situation.
No chance would I want to stay in a relationship with a lazy, selfish arsehole. In that case I’d much rather be single. And I did enjoy being single throughput most of my 20’s. For the past 5 years I’m lucky enough to be in a relationship with an amazing man who is loving, involved, hard working, and an amazing dad to our DS. Provided that doesn’t change, my life is only enhanced by him. (Soppy I know!).

Ankhmo · 09/02/2025 22:33

"Are relationships worth it??"

That depends...

I mean it's pretty simple really, to me at least.

If my life is 8/10 single...
Someone would have to add at least 1 point to that tally for them to be worth it... And they'd have to be VERY special to add that point...

But partners bring drama - that's a minus
They bring baggage - that's a minus
They bring hang ups - that's a minus

And so on and so on.

I've known people who are so terrified of being alone they'll tolerate abuse, lies, violence, gaslighting etc. fuck that shit.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 22:35

gannett · 09/02/2025 22:09

Relationships with the right people are always worth it, relationships with the wrong people are never worth it.

Relationships includes friendships, neighbours, acquaintances, professional contacts as well as romantic relationships. "Right people" isn't a fixed thing for everyone, it means compatibility.

I don't think any relationship in which you consistently feel you lose your freedom or have to put your own needs to the side is worth it, no.

I'm someone who loved being single, loved the freedom, loved the selfishness. I'm very happy with my own company and have never really felt lonely by myself. The only reason my current relationship was worth it is because DP enhanced my life, on balance, without taking away what I found important.

And yes, relationships require compromise and effort - even platonic friendships, the older you get. With the right people you get really good stuff back - joy and laughter and all that - and yes, it's worth it.

I should probably have put romantic relationships in the title. Of course all relationships can impact. But I think the risk factor is higher in romantic relationships? No colleague has ever brought debt collectors to my door, for instance. The consequences are harder to outrun in romantic relationships

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CestLaVie123 · 09/02/2025 22:39

In answer to your title, personally, no.
I don't anticipate having another relationship in my life (im early 50s) - far preferable to be on one's own

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 22:56

Ankhmo · 09/02/2025 22:33

"Are relationships worth it??"

That depends...

I mean it's pretty simple really, to me at least.

If my life is 8/10 single...
Someone would have to add at least 1 point to that tally for them to be worth it... And they'd have to be VERY special to add that point...

But partners bring drama - that's a minus
They bring baggage - that's a minus
They bring hang ups - that's a minus

And so on and so on.

I've known people who are so terrified of being alone they'll tolerate abuse, lies, violence, gaslighting etc. fuck that shit.

Baggage and hang ups…I can handle. (I’ve prob got a fair bit baggage myself 😬)

I love your points system. Life would be simpler if I perceived things that clearly!

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Chell79 · 19/03/2025 14:26

I was married for 10 years the marriage ended in 2018. I've since had a long-term relationship that ended in 2023. Built a life with both of those people and didn't even argue.

The second man was the relationship I have always wanted. We had everything shared love of music, absolutely loved each other's company travelled, the passion was off this scale amazing. Then It's like this the spark fades after a few years and they are seeking that again.

I have 2 children from my marriage both teenagers.

I have given up on men.

I have been in love 3 times in my life. I invested years and years with those men and they are all ended. I am kind, loving, supportive, really passionate, and attractive and paid my way in those relationships and nothing but a nice person. Yet I am now 45 and alone. I feel absolutely that I am not going to bother again. I'm scared now of investing and it falls apart again.

My last ex was the worst as we had our whole future mapped out we experienced some money issues as he lost his job, and then he left. Months later he's with someone else, then comes over to see me tells me he misses me, and confuses the hell out of me. Haven't seen or heard from him since. I loved everything about him and it hurt a lot to lose him. The worst part was we were so good together yet he still left, The day he left he said it was not due to lack of love as he does love me. Try getting your head around that ending, I haven't been able to process it as it does not make any sense. How did I not even know he was planning on leaving? I don't even want a relationship now with how awful I've felt the past 15 months since I last saw my ex. Hes moved on and now giving our planned future to someone else and here I am still blindsided and missing my old life with him. Everyone says there is someone better for me, trying to tell that to my heart. Which still longs for him even now. Yet he isn't coming back now and if he did he's spent months with someone else, I deserve more than that and who wants someone where we had one blip and he ran off. The worst part he was ex Army yet he wasn't strong to me like I thought he was.

KimberleyClark · 19/03/2025 14:45

SantaToSSD · 09/02/2025 16:39

Well, speaking as someone in a happy, long lasting relationship, I would say yes.

We have always shared finances equally.

I don't see it as losing my freedom. In fact, being in a partnership gives me confidence to do more and go places I wouldn't alone.

I feel very supported by my husband. It is easy to give of myself to his emotional needs because I already receive the same from him. I would go further and say having his needs to think of makes me less selfish.

But I am coming from a good relationship. I could see that if you had only had poor relationships or had been treated badly by partners you might feel relationships weren't worth it.

This.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 19/03/2025 18:32

Chell79 · 19/03/2025 14:26

I was married for 10 years the marriage ended in 2018. I've since had a long-term relationship that ended in 2023. Built a life with both of those people and didn't even argue.

The second man was the relationship I have always wanted. We had everything shared love of music, absolutely loved each other's company travelled, the passion was off this scale amazing. Then It's like this the spark fades after a few years and they are seeking that again.

I have 2 children from my marriage both teenagers.

I have given up on men.

I have been in love 3 times in my life. I invested years and years with those men and they are all ended. I am kind, loving, supportive, really passionate, and attractive and paid my way in those relationships and nothing but a nice person. Yet I am now 45 and alone. I feel absolutely that I am not going to bother again. I'm scared now of investing and it falls apart again.

My last ex was the worst as we had our whole future mapped out we experienced some money issues as he lost his job, and then he left. Months later he's with someone else, then comes over to see me tells me he misses me, and confuses the hell out of me. Haven't seen or heard from him since. I loved everything about him and it hurt a lot to lose him. The worst part was we were so good together yet he still left, The day he left he said it was not due to lack of love as he does love me. Try getting your head around that ending, I haven't been able to process it as it does not make any sense. How did I not even know he was planning on leaving? I don't even want a relationship now with how awful I've felt the past 15 months since I last saw my ex. Hes moved on and now giving our planned future to someone else and here I am still blindsided and missing my old life with him. Everyone says there is someone better for me, trying to tell that to my heart. Which still longs for him even now. Yet he isn't coming back now and if he did he's spent months with someone else, I deserve more than that and who wants someone where we had one blip and he ran off. The worst part he was ex Army yet he wasn't strong to me like I thought he was.

Edited

The relationships that are cut off while in full flow or close to the beginning can be the hardest to get over. The loss fells more acute

At least when a relationship has run its course…while still painful, there isn’t the loss of the potential future.

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Chell79 · 20/03/2025 19:28

Yes, the loss has been so painful. My marriage ending was bad enough. Yet my marriage ending was needed as my ex-husband was not being honest with me.

My relationship ending, I did not want it and the grief of it ending has been profound and so painful. It's sad to say it yet I loved my ex so much and he didn't even have any irritating habits. Yet he felt he couldn't provide me the life financially I had, had with my ex-husband. When I hadn't ever compared how different they were. Yet maybe because my ex-husband would turn up in his business van, and my ex-partner was out of work. He felt inadequate. I'm a trained counsellor, and I do believe his insecurities is the reason he left. He's ended up in debt, which he never had with me, as a few letters arrived here that he asked me to open for him.

Hes settled for a woman who has nothing going for her, and she isn't a nice person according to his mum. I could tell that as she threatened me for just talking to him. I did tell him then it made me so sad that you think your life choices now are good ones. Yet maybe he feels more matched because he did have an army career yet he messed it up, by taking drugs and got thrown out because he had to have an on-the-spot drug test and he had taken cocaine. Hes spent his life messing up ever since, flitting from one job to the next, never happy or settled in any of them. He went through about 6 in the 3 years we were together. I encouraged him to find something he enjoys or retrain yet he wouldn't listen. Maybe he feels she's had a rubbish life, and not achieved a lot that she's what he deserves. When she's controlling his whole life, and I sent him a message on his phone, and she's there swearing at me to leave him alone.

His mental health was so bad when he was out of work, I think that's why he's crossed her path as his mindset was negative anyway, so he's attracted the same. I try not over overthink yet it's hard not to when I am a counsellor. Yet he won't talk and told me to move on with my life. Just with an incredibly heavy heart. Yet I've told him how I feel and he's just told me to move forward in my life. Every day I think of him. It's been the most upsetting unwanted ending I have ever had, Not even knowing he's ok or being the support I once was for so long is the hardest part, as I really did always take care of him. Even when he was out of work, I didn't nag, just encouraged him. Horrid horrid life lesson and I lost my best friend in the process as he meant the world to me.

Smellisande · 13/07/2025 14:06

Well, I am lying weeping in bed after my husband of 29 years has told me he wants to separate and made everything ny fault, so no.
I gave up way too much for him. I am 53 and happy never to live with or date a man again.

Chell79 · 15/07/2025 11:34

Smellisande
Don't let him play the blame game. You have done nothing wrong; the issues are with him. Hes the one who's chosen to start another life, and don't let him make you feel you aren't enough. Or your life together wasn't good enough, as it was more than enough. As you are. My ex-husband cheated during a stressful time in our relationship. Ran off in the sunset with another woman in 2018. Everyone told me. Just you wait, he will live to regret what he's doing, and they told me not to seek revenge, just watch that connection fall apart.

It did 4 years later, she moved to new zeland, (I laughed smuggly when I was told this had happened) and the minute she did, his whole world came crumbling down, and it's now 7 years on, since I had my heart broken and he's deeply unhappy, has a medical issue which I believe is related to stress, and constantly has no money. Hes had another relationship since which has fallen apart due to his dishonesty and bailiffs knocking on his front door. Oh, and we sold our marital house, and as he was so badly in debt, he walked away without even a £1 for himself.

Karma does smack them in the face. Which I am now told is also happening to my long-term ex, who decided to monkey branch right into another relationship when we had some financial issues. Yet he left, and the month after I sold my marital house, I retrained and earned triple the salary of what I did with him around, and my lovely teenagers, whose father is the one I'm divorced are having a nice life with nice experiences.

I know you're hurting now, and I was in your shoes, crying myself to sleep at night for about 2 years. Yet now I'm settled with inner peace, even though the pain doesn't completely leave me. Yet I decided I am a good person, and I've been a really good wife and partner and if they think what I offered or provided was not enough then fool them.

I'm 45 now and have been single for a year and a half. I have had some really handsome men try and get me to engage in connections with them. I just said no thanks, no matter how hard they tried. I don't honestly think I can put myself in a position to open my heart again, as I just always end up getting hurt and not sure the few years of pleasure are worth the pain of it ending. Which is why I have focused on myself and pushed away any romantic romances, and I did love both the men who hurt me very much, and I shake my head and think we had such nice lives and such strong connections, and then it's over. Not where I wanted to be at my age, yet I just don't have the energy to end up being let down again.

CestLaVie123 · 15/07/2025 22:15

I never ever ever want any sort of relationship ever again. I just want peace, and calm. I don’t want to have to navigate someone else’s moods, and someone else’s opinions; nor subject anyone to mine. I don’t want to have expectations, or fail to meet someone else’s expectations. Just peace