Are relationships worth it??

[UserNameNotAvailable9]

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too.

Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships.

1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful
2. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes.
3. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s

Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

I've been far far happier in my last few years being single than I was in in nearly 15 years married or previous relationships.

Interestingly the biggest pressure I feel from people to start dating is from people who are themselves very unhappy in their marriages. Almost like they can't stand having someone single to compare to.

However I do have kids and I'm not sure how I'll feel when my house is inevitably empty.

I agree with you and I’m in a relationship! It works because we have no kids, separate finances (not married and I don’t want to be) and there isn’t really any compromise involved. We’re very aligned in our worldview and we really do slot together seamlessly but I haven’t changed my approach to life from when I was single. For example I still solo travel for extended periods, we do a lot of social stuff separately, but we also get on really well and enjoy each other’s company. I wouldn’t want a relationship that required any more of me than just existing as I see fit

I’m married, and if I could click my fingers and be separated with him moving out I would. I know I’d never cohabitate again.

Well, speaking as someone in a happy, long lasting relationship, I would say yes.

We have always shared finances equally.

I don't see it as losing my freedom. In fact, being in a partnership gives me confidence to do more and go places I wouldn't alone.

I feel very supported by my husband. It is easy to give of myself to his emotional needs because I already receive the same from him. I would go further and say having his needs to think of makes me less selfish.

But I am coming from a good relationship. I could see that if you had only had poor relationships or had been treated badly by partners you might feel relationships weren't worth it.

I do know people who maintain that they are unable to operate as a singleton, and are happy in any relationship. Most of these people are men though, and I think they are just wanting a support human.

I am old and have had two marriages, seven and 14 years. I am far far happier single.

It depends on the relationship! And on your own personal situation.

I've been married for 21 years. I have only benefited from my relationship, even if I only looked at it from a practical point if view without taking into account affection and companionship. I don't feel that any of your 3 points have affected me negatively in my marriage, and I have certainly overall benefited financially. However, if I were to find myself single for some reason, I'd definitely stay that way. I wouldn't bank on being so lucky a second time!

Toxic masculinity
Male entitlement
Women being de facto support props

I can't see myself in anything other than a casual situation ship again. There is no man, or no relationship that I covet.

I'm much happier since leaving my husband 2 years ago but I really miss regular sex, even though he was sexually abusive along with the rest of it.

I've had two flings since, and they were both enjoyable but I don't want a boyfriend and very casual sex isn't an option for me because I have had breast cancer and there is a massive ugly scar and a lot of one breast is missing, which means a conversation is necessary before getting down to it, so to speak.

I completely agree OP. I am fairly newly single, so still trying to navigate through the heartbreak but I know I will be better off once I have.

I feel like men just slow me down. Nearly all the ones I have met have been like big stroppy toddlers with all the tantrums to go with it. I’m sick of having to help them with their issues and never getting anything back, not even any appreciation. I can’t wait until I am a point when I just feel happy being alone and single - and I know it will come

If you live separately then you don't have to mix finances. As for the rest, a relationship doesn't work if it's not both ways. Surely you support each other? As for freedom, freedom to do what?

Agency, to make all your decisions for yourself. Not constantly checking what they want first. Pandering to the male ego.

I do like the physical closeness! It’s probably the reason I’ve persevered with relationships at all!

I’m an outlier here because I’ve been married 35 years and despite the odd major disagreement we are quite simply a good fit together. He’s not massively emotional and wouldn’t want long deep conversations about’us’ but I have a lot of female friends who fill that role. And yes, those relationships are worth the effort too.

Out of interest do those of you who prefer single life have a family history of divorced/ separated or unhappy parents? In my own limited experience it does make a difference.

This sounds perfect. I solo travel quite a bit too. And I really enjoy it. It’s one of the main things I find difficult when in relationships. Managing to find the time/finances for both couple and solo trips. And pressure to prioritise the couple trips

I’m sorry you’re n that position :(

I came out of a 20yr relationship 2 yrs ago. And am 1000 times happier single.

However, even though I can't see myself in another relationship any time soon. And I'm very jaded from my last relationship which was frankly scaring. There is still a part of me that thinks a good relationship is worth it. Emphasis on the GOOD part. Unfortunately I think there are way more bad relationships than good. I think too many people stay in relationships long pass their sell by date due to chilsren, fear of being alone, finances, fear of starting over...etc

In my experience, no. No relationship has ever made me happier than I am on my own. And I don't see much evidence they make other people happier either.

Definitely if I had my time again I would have remained single. Its stressful being married.

It’s good to hear you’ve got such a good relationship that works for you :)

I have had relationships with decent guys (as well as a couple of horrors!) And yes, it is my experience that even decent men take a lot more than they give

I think you have been very, very lucky 🙂

This sums it up for me too, but again, I'm in a happy and loving marriage, and have been for over 30 years

After 20 years of marriage, relationships are a heaving dumpster of Nope from my happy single vantage point. For all the reasons OP outlines

I’m lucky enough to be in a lovely caring, sharing relationship as well, 40+ years and counting. We were friends before we finally got together, and it might be a bit 🤭, but we do still adore each other, don’t like spending too long apart. We had some proper grown up conversations around the important things for us, finances, sharing tasks, etc…..and we decided not to have children as we both loved our careers. We share hobbies as well, there’s few things that one won’t do without the other trying if they like it…..horse riding, cycling, watching football, dogs, gardening, all sorts of shared likes. I think not having children has made our lives so much easier, we have never regretted it to this day, and have so much time to do exactly what we want to do, together and apart. Our choice I would add, I respect the choices of others.