Are relationships worth it??

[UserNameNotAvailable9]

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too.

Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships.

1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful
2. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes.
3. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s

Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

Happily Single.

My parents were pretty happy together, but there was no option not to be, no divorce in Ireland at the time. A culture of traditional male and female roles, very firmly patriarchal society. They both lived very full and seperate lives, didn't share hobbies etc. In later years were more pals. My mother was relieved not to be stuck being a long term carer to an aging husband, my dad died in his 60s, so didn't get to old age. She got many more years, without the burden of dealing with his self enduced ill health, he was a sweet man, but not health conscious.

My 3 siblings are all in traditional marriages, and likely all will stay together, I suspect mostly for financial and practical reasons.

My mum burdened me with looking after my alcoholic /recovering alcoholic dad, it probably has effected me. I think men burden women a lot and women pander for male attention and approval too much. Her own father had his own issues, the girls propped up the men.

I like my independence but it can be boring too. That's up to me to fill my life with hobbies or adventures. I genuinely don't know anyone who is in a relationship that I would want.

I get bored of coupledom, possibly an issue with me. My formative years involved lots of positive business risks, some negative, with parties, pubs, then the secret fighting of bad habits and emotional instability of the recovering alcoholic.

Both parents were emotionally stunted in their own way. Both positive points too.

Glad you are happier ❤️ And that you are very clear on what you need to continue being happy

This is a “how long is a piece of string” style question. If you have had largely good experiences with relationships and dating then your view will be different to somebody with the opposite experience.

I hate dating. I find it difficult and a slog and then on top of that my experience with relationships has been overall mediocre. So I don’t think they are worth it. As I get older living alone is a worry….but then living with a male partner is something I find very unappealing.

Friends and family with different experiences to mine would have a different view. My mom thinks relationships are the truest form of joy because that has been her experience.

Also at my age compromise is too challenging and I don’t want to do a load of domestic and emotional labour for somebody else.

You will come through the heartbreak. Focus on building yourself and your life. Your health, fitness, interests, finances and future 🙂

This is e acyly how I feel about my 35 year marriage to my husband. That said if god forbid anything happened to him I would not be going out of my way to meet anyone new. OLD can do one.

This sounds perfect!

Would a slightly less conventional relationship work better for you @UserNameNotAvailable9 ?

My Mum and her second husband never lived together, even after they married. They kept their finances entirely separate so never had to worry about your first point.

They kept a lot of their freedom. They'd average about 4 nights together and one weekend day a week, and do their own thing the rest of the time. They'd take some holidays together, but probably more apart.

Despite this, they had one of the closest, most loving relationships I've seen, and both got what they wanted from a marriage without having to sacrifice the things they found important about single life.

My parents are separated but both happily with new partners.

Nothing to do with parental separation in my situation. My relationship / dating history has just been majority toxic so I prefer not to try anymore and that has improved my mental health.

I think if my relationship history was more positive then definitely I would prefer to be coupled over being single.

To be honest when I look back at my life, the happiest and most fulfilling times have always been when I've been in a mutually loving and committed relationship with my dog(s). My relationships with members of the opposite sex, however, ugh!

I see username 299 was available!

There is always a certain amount of mixing finances. Dinners, trips etc. it’s very difficult to maintain a strict 50/50 split at all times. Which , in my experience, men become very resentful if they feel they’ve paid more. Or they turn up with no dosh so you need to pay.

Freedom to solo travel, to follow your interest, to do things alone to get headspace. I have always continued to do these things while in relationships. But it has always required repeated boundary setting which I could just do without sometimes

@CreationNat1on

I genuinely don't know anyone who is in a relationship that I would want.

Is it sad that I feel similar. Of all the couples I know only one, ONE makes me feel envious, sad when I am around them. The rest make me feel comfortable in being single.

That’s beautiful. I love that ❤️

I think if you went by some of the threads on mumsnet, you'd certainly think twice about getting into a relationship!

I'm deeply happy in mine and it has only added to the good things in my life but it's taken work from both of us to make that happen. I love having a backup and support that I don't have to think about--just know will always be on my side for the little things like housework and childcare and the big things like bereavement or job loss. I love him really deeply. Simple things are great when we're together; we don't need a lot to be happy. So yes from my point of view absolutely yes.

Having said that, I'd rather be single than in a relationship for the sake of it or with someone who wasn't an equal partner. Love should mean supporting each other to have a better life than if you were alone; not in a material but in an emotional sense. I think our culture means that women do sometimes seem to have more invested in the success of a relationship and put more into it and that can lead to an imbalance that encourages cruelty and selfishness from their partners, especially when children are involved. But it doesn't have to be that way.

@CreationNat1on
@JHound

Same here. I only know of one happy marriage (at least on the surface). I can see a lot of compromise and manipulation in the other marriages. I am only recently admitting to myself how brave I was to get away from a cruel and abusive marriage of 21 years.
I also very much enjoy time alone to recharge.

I was married for a while when I was much younger. But aside from that, most of my relationships would probably be classed as unconventional.

I have never shared finances, even when younger and married. But I have dated people that have been financially chaotic. (Not always obvious at the outset.) And it has ended up impacting me too.

I also only spend of nights a week with partners when I am in a relationship. Which works perfectly for me. But there’s not many people that is enough for and it generally becomes an issue!

Glad your mum found a balance that suited them both 🙂

I ought to add that we do work at it, it’s not all roses, but we both agreed to communicate with each other rather than sulk. Lots of stress at times, Cancer, caring for elderly duties, but we make sure it makes our time together more precious. I’d also add that neither of us discusses past boyfriends, girlfriends (even though some were mutual friends, but that was teenage years) suspicion, jealousy are relationship killers. We have to mutually trust each other, and do. Married as well, it’s what we wanted to do.

I think I’d probably be happier single! But I really love my husband and he is my soul mate, even though he is messy, loud, and a bit useless. So I feel MY relationship is worth the effort and the work. But it’s very individual for each person.

I think people- especially women- can be very happy single. Life is surely simpler when you only have yourself to think of.

Having said that, I have been very lucky to have found the right person for me so I'm happy to be married to him. For me, yes it's worth a bit of compromise and sharing finances.

I'm happy with my relationship but I guess I was lucky to find my DP. We've been together for 20 years, not married, no kids by mutual accord, live together but don't have shared finances or bank accounts, chores split in half (but I think he does more than me as he works from home). I travel quite often (at least once a month) to my home country by myself and go on holidays without him although not often as I really like spending time with DP. He couldn't care less if I have male friends or if I have hobbies that don't envolve him. Overall I think having an easy life (no children or financial worries) makes things easier. I don't think I would like another relationship if we split up though as it would be difficult to find someone as laid back as DP.

My marriage has been worth it. But we both do our own thing, pull together at difficult times, & have pooled all finances. If anything happened to dh I would not date again- would be happy being single the rest of my life.

My husband is my best friend. In the 14 years we've been together, he's made my life 100% better. We have shared finances (not equal because he earns a lot more than me-instigated by him when we bought our house), childfree (by choice), and aside from his security clearance meaning there are a few destinations we can't visit (which we're both a bit bummed about), I can't think of any way he makes my life worse. He's incredibly kind, supportive and funny. My favourite travel partner. We hate being apart for more than a few days. I've been ill recently and, despite him working full time, and me being off, he still cooks and cleans if I can't. No resentment or moaning.

Rather unusually for MN (so it seems anyway 🤣), I also really love my in-laws. They're wonderful and have also been really kind and supportive while I've been ill.

However, if the worst happened and I found myself single, I think I'd stay that way. Whilst I hated being single, I'd rather be alone than in a shitty relationship. And I'd never find anyone like my husband again in a million years ❤️

It will be a very individual thing. I have no issues with it because I don't see it as a loss of freedom, rather giving me more freedom, both financial, societal and sexual. Not in terms of more partners but in terms of feeling safe to be whatever I want to be.

I've been single and celibate 7 years.
I really don't think I ever want sex and/or a relationship again.

I think being single is the luxury privileged option not available to all.