Are relationships worth it??

[UserNameNotAvailable9]

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too.

Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships.

1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful
2. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes.
3. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s

Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

It depends on the partner. I’m happily single but I still want to find someone to live my life with, eventually. I miss the sharing of moments with someone who gets you. I’ve had relationships that have been happy at times, but when things got tough they’d never put the work in to communicate or compromise. That caused huge stress and frustration. Unfortunately Ive chosen men with the emotional maturity of a teenager so I should have seen that coming!

I’d also never let a man have access to my finances.

Single life is very stress free and content at the moment and that’s a real bonus. I can see why so many women choose this. But I’d only commit with someone who enhances my life. A man child is not worth disturbing my peace for.

I was single by choice in my 20s and absolutely loved it. Decided to try dating in my 30s and was in a couple of rubbish relationships. They made me want to be single again. Then I met someone when I was 40. He has helped me discover what a happy, healthy, supportive relationship is and 4 years on, I'm the happiest I've ever been. So I definitely think the person you're in a relationship with matters a lot.

Out of all of my friends and family there are only a couple who are in the sort of relationship I'd want to be in. So many aren't.

I’m one of the lucky ones, whilst not perfect I’m in a meeting of minds that crosses and compliments. We bring out the best in each other and together 28 years.

Of all my friends and sisters I reckon about 20% of us have managed a really good long term relationship.

I have never had the debt issues or a financially incontinent men that you have had I have lived with another man as well when young and no such issues. Plus the couple of guys I dated very much all ok finance wise. One we had a 50/50 type of dating scenario and the other one insisted on paying the bulk, he did earn a fortune.

Single 4 years. Much happier and calmer.

My cat sleeps on the pillow next to me and I’m not moving him for anyone.

It’s definitely not a binary question for me. I’ve had a couple of pretty terrible relationships. (The kind that it’s really obvious you should end them!) And I’ve also had relationships with good people that didn’t work out for a combination of the reasons I listed,

i would say I don’t have a wide circle of supportive family or girlfriends either. I do have women friends but they are very wrapped up in their own marriages etc (understandably!) so I would never expect practical support from them. They do chat through the emotional stuff tho! And that counts for a lot

I have had pretty disappointing experience with men when it comes to helping in times of practical need. Which I think does influence my outlook. I have probably had more support from friends.

Good for you!

Because I find it said that I know so many couples and yet hardly any who are in a relationship I would desire.

35 years in, 30 years married, husband and two adult children who are caring for me post operatively as I just had a cancer removed from my chest. Hell yes they are worth it.

I think it is very difficult to find someone who enhances your life rather than adding stress. But hope you come across that

I am far far happier with DH than I would be without him. married 7 years, together 13.

Financial - we earn the same amount, and can buy more with our combined power than we ever could apart.

Freedom - I’m far freer with him than I’d be without him. He gives me the strength to be the best I can be, and he supports me to be so.

Emotionally - god, I wouldn’t be the person I am without him.

We make each other better and we are greater than the sum of our parts. I’m happy to be called lucky - I know I am - but this is my experience, even in the trenches with two preschoolers, no sleep, less sex, tight finances and work stress. And I’m excited for what’s next, which I think is quite decent at over a decade in and in our late 30s.

I don’t think it’s just you! I have read stuff on here that I’ve thought…surely pretty much anything is better than the relationship you’re describing!

In the modern world I think people are better off staying single.
If I was to advise someone in their 20s I would tell them to stay away from marriage and long term relationships because most end in pain. I’m not speaking from experience though (been with the same person nearly 30 years), just observing a lot of people that I know.

You’d be surprised.

Some people, for a whole host of reasons, do damaging things without necessarily meaning any harm.

I think one of the things about ‘love’ is that we all mean different things when we say that word. It doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. To some people it mean I will put your needs first and look out for you. To others it means I will chase the big romantic highs

We don’t all mean the same thing when we say - I love you

i also think someone can appear very financially decent even for a number of years, then blindside. Depends how skilled they are

I’m not one for giving advice. Don’t think I’m in any position 🤣

Ten years ago I would have said I was happier single. Then I met the right person. It’s not single vs relationship IMO. It’s a hierarchy. At the top is a happy, healthy relationship, then single, then any other relationship. Marriage, having children, living together, sharing finances, all those things aren’t scary when you are with someone on the same page as you about life, and who loves and RESPECTS you.
I think 9/10 of the horror stories you read on here happen when couples don’t have mutual trust and respect. And I also mean self-respect here too. The women who put up with so much crap, and who ignore millions of red flags don’t have enough self-respect. This idea that you “lose yourself” in a relationship means you’re doing it wrong.You shouldn’t become someone you don’t like or recognise in a relationship. If that happens this is toxic and you need to give it up. Single is better than that.

I’m single and live in a foreign country where I know practically no one, so quite lonely too…but I like it. It sounds silly, but I’m really happy with my little life. I spend a lot of time on my own and I like my own company, but I still crave someone. Not a relationship, not a FWB, just something in between I suppose. I’ve been seeing a man for a few months who fits the bill perfectly for now. We’re taking things slow but talked about the possibility of being “official” but really I don’t want that. I’m happy with dates and sex, but I want to go home at the end of the night and be alone. Argh

Not seeing other people's faces at my home, as it comes.
Some people here are contemplating having babies at 45.
I'm just looking forward to retiring from society.

I tried being in relationships . I just can't do it at all. I feel so much happier and content on my own. I feel like my life is taken up with my children. I dont have time for a relationship. I feel at peace on my own . Maybe I will feel different when I'm 80

I have been in a very toxic relationship. Again a very long time ago. (I learned my lesson) But what I would say is, I would never judge someone for not having the strength or self respect to leave. A terrible relationship takes everything from you. Your self worth and more importantly, your strength. And the one thing you need to get out of a bad relationship is strength.

I’m not scared of having children. I co-parented my children to adulthood with my ex husband. I’d say we did an excellent job

I hear you loud and clear 😁

There's always people in these threads who simply cannot understand that for some other people, being single is perfect. They always think it's because you haven't met the right man. No. Some - loads of - people would take solitude over every single other person that exists.

It's a different kind of freedom. I can do whatever I want - without a second thought. There's no layer of 'im sure it'll be fine, I'll just check with Pete.' The mental difference is huge.

I hear you. For me, I examined the constant factor in all my failed relationships, which was me. My wife and I found each other later in life, we were both in our 40s. Whilst I wish we had done so sooner, and indeed, by a quirk of fate, we hung out in many of the same places at the same time over the years, but never met, I don't think I was ready for her.

Whilst I hated some of the experiences in the way I suspect you do, I needed them to grow. I only hope I can be as much of an enhancement to her life as she has been to mine.

Ironically, I wasn't looking either, I had pretty much given up. I am delighted that she hadn't, and invested the effort to help me to see the light.

I will say the financial benefits of relationships I am envious of.

If I had had a committed partnership for the last 20 or even 10 years my financial situation would be so so so SO much better.

Even now it would be worth it for that but I would have to actively date and I refuse to do that so…

shrugs

Not necessarily. Sometimes relationships rook you financially 😱

This is where I'm at. It's a lovely thought being in a relationship but from past experience I slowly became their housekeeper once the honeymoon period was over. Their moods were also problematic. I wish I could say otherwise and that I'd trust again. Sadly, it would always be in the back of my mind that once we moved in together he'd take a big step back from domestic chores, life admin and just generally being nice to me.