Are relationships worth it??

[UserNameNotAvailable9]

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too.

Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships.

1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful
2. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes.
3. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s

Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

It depends on the experiences people have had.

I am in a happy marriage to a wonderful man. So that skews my thinking. As it would for people in bad relationships

No.

Plus the knowledge that I am also not the easiest person to be with either! There are many positives to me but I'm also quite flawed and complicated/difficult to understand.

My ex turned out to get a sociopathic narc but I did feel hugely understood by him. I doubt anyone will get me the way he did.

But, back to the question; I think most females give more in relationships than they get back and most are pretty unfulfilled.

The good ones are and that bad ones aren't.

You can ha e a relationship on your terms, you don't have to combine finances or lose independence. If you chose wisely your partner won't be an emotional drain either.

I'm late 40's. Been with DH 25 years. We have teens at home. I wouldn't want to live without him.
He supports me in everything I do. And I support him. We discuss everything. He's kind, smart, funny, works hard to provide for his family. He shops, cooks, cleans, does the washing, puts the bins out and helps me look after my aging parents. He's a good egg. Yes of course like everyone he has annoying habits.... he's stubborn as fuck, he snores like a tractor, he drinks, can't see some types of dirt, but we are family and we will hopefully grow old together.

I think that’s the bit. Successful relationships require work. And sometimes the work out weighs the rewards. Happily not in your case

I think discussion of previous exes (or not) is very specific to each relationship. Personally I can hear about exes without it causing disruption or jealousy. But most people I date have previous marriages/relationship/co parenting responsibilities. So I need to be able to understand they have had meaningful relationships before me, without getting upset. (They need to understand this about me too!)

I.work with the public and the most successful appear to live separately from husbands. Recently a 76 year old told.me her and her husband moved out but are together and are much happier lol

Why do you feel sad?

Mine is. Some of the ones posted about on here are hellscapes though. So it depends I guess.

You’ve knocked it out the park!

Where did you find him?!?

I also appear to be in the minority. I used to think like you @UserNameNotAvailable9 and then I met my wife. My life became better in every way imaginable. It has been expansive in that we have been able to do more together than we could as individuals. I don't find sharing anything with her a chore (finances, space, time). We have had some challenges with health, but I wouldn't swap her for all the tea in China.

I think it helped that I had only really had positive relationship models when I was growing up and so did dh. Not a single divorce or (as far as I know) unhappy marriage in either of our extended families, which must be pretty unusual! Also, I was never that desperate to be in a ltr. I was always willing to stay single (and have brief and meaningless flings ) rather than even considering being in a relationship with someone who wasn't right.

It's a really interesting and broad question.

Rather than a binary of "Rubbish partner draining me" vs "Perfect independent single life" I'd say my experiences are somewhere in the middle.

It is nice being independent and not having to be accountable.

I'm not hopelessly romantic and don't tend to get overwhelmed by emotions with men.

However, not everyone has a great circle of supportive girlfriends or a community or family.

For basic practical support, some people have a partner figure as the primary person.

I've not had perfect relationships by any means (I'm not perfect as a human or as a partner myself).

Looking back, it's normally a partner who is doing the house moves and the care when I'm ill and keeping me fed and housed if I become destitute or if money is tight.

Not friends.

Plus doubling up finances with someone you can bear to live with can open up more options.

Perhaps I'll have an independent "gentleman companion" as I get older for mutual friendship and practical support!

I think in the western world (Germaine Greer is good on this) there's too much confusion between romantic love and a fairly pragmatic, contractual view of relationships in which finances and duties are specified.

For me good relationships are worth it but they seem rare. I do think relationships exist where none of what you listed cause issues and the couple genuinely go through life happy and as a team. I just think finding a partnership like that is like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi and many, many people just settle for close enough.

Some of the posts on here do make me think "girl you would be SO much happier single why are you doing this?" Maybe it's just me and my instant gratification generation but I'd have run for the hills if I was in 99% of the relationships I read about on the relationship board 🙃

DH and I are a team which beats being a team of one.

No.
Nothing is better than personal freedom, even if marriage makes your life significantly better (financially).

How so? I’ve been single on minimum wage raising children. (A long time ago now) So not sure I agree

It was very tough for a number or years but pushed me to chase better jobs and salaries

It is as close to perfect as it gets tbh, and I’ve had some stinkers of relationships in the past. I don’t feel any pressure to prioritise couple stuff - independence is a big priority for both of us.

I think you’ve clearly just been in the wrong relationships. I’ve never felt like I had to worry about my partner running up debts, I’ve never felt like my partner limited by freedom and I’ve not felt a burden by emotionally supporting him.
My marriage is the one thing that without exception has always made my life easier rather than harder.

What freedom do you think you don’t have?

I think I’ve had the opposite experience. I started out very open and believing rejationship to be ‘worth it’. And began to doubt that more as each relationship passed.

Although maybe I’m just not cut out for it!

I honestly think you’ve been exceptionally lucky then.

I miss the intimacy, not just the physical but the emotional connection, the sense of someone having your back, an equal partner in life.

But that seems very hard to find and if it can't be all of that, then I would rather be single.

It's better to be single and open to the right relationship should it come along, than to be in a bad relationship that first you'd have to extract yourself from and heal from, in order to be able to find the right relationship.

I'm mid 50's though, so my sex drive isn't a constant, it's there if I need it but doesn't drive me say to day. Would be more of a challenge to be zen about singlehood if I was younger!

On my second long marriage (widowed youngish) and the thing I am most grateful for in terms of whatever spidey senses I had is that they are/were both financially absolutely straight and decent.

Not terribly romantic, but I read so many threads on here where partners are otherwise and think if someone really loves you, would they cocklodge, hide or squander money and put your survival, or the wellbeing of your children at risk?

Online 🤣 I doubt OLD is the same now as it was 14.5 years ago, but my sister met her husband on tinder, and my best friend also met her husband online.

Personally, I think we were just insanely lucky. We didn't live in the same town, or do activities that would ever have helped us meet.

I do agree with you in some ways. A bad relationship is definitely worse than being single. And there is a certain freedom when single that you don't have when in a couple (however great the relationship is). It's balancing whether giving up that freedom is worth it. For me, it absolutely is.