To think their friendship is inappropriate?

Frightodd · 2025-02-09T15:35:20+00:00

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal. They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings. She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view). I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing. When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still! I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that. I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

Meecrowahvey · 09/02/2025 15:37

You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you?

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 15:37

“hhmmmm. I’m not sure

I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:41

Meecrowahvey · 09/02/2025 15:37

You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you?

Not upset. Uncomfortable. The thought of him writing private letters to a beautiful woman does indeed make feel odd.

But this is exactly why I’m asking if IABU, rather than giving him grief about it. MN is good for this kind of perspective.

OP posts:

nam3c4ang3 · 09/02/2025 15:43

You already don’t trust him - this is not going to end well. The fact that if she was closer also made him think tells me something. Sorry.

username299 · 09/02/2025 15:44

What's her relationship status? Does she have children?

I wouldn't be particularly happy about it either.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:45

nam3c4ang3 · 09/02/2025 15:43

You already don’t trust him - this is not going to end well. The fact that if she was closer also made him think tells me something. Sorry.

I’m not sure I agree re not trusting him. I have trust issues anyway from being cheated on previously.

The fact I’m getting some perspective here rather than throwing my toys out the pram with him, is me trying to work through those.

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JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:46

username299 · 09/02/2025 15:44

What's her relationship status? Does she have children?

I wouldn't be particularly happy about it either.

From what I understand, she’s a single woman. No kids.

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EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/02/2025 15:47

It's really a bit too soon to feel threatened by what is a normal part of his life to him.

Crumpleton · 09/02/2025 15:49

She's been in his life for a year or so.
You've been with him 4 months

Had they of been madly in love with one another surely they'd have moved to be nearer each other.

If this friendship is going to continue to make you feel uncomfortable then it's time to end the relationship.

WilmaTitsDrop · 09/02/2025 15:50

As it's only been 4 months, he's probably being completely honest and would be in a relationship with her if distance wasn't a problem (and if she wanted him too).

But if you two end up falling in love then his feelings for her will probably change.

Up to you whether you stay or go at this stage, or any stage actually.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:51

Crumpleton · 09/02/2025 15:49

She's been in his life for a year or so.
You've been with him 4 months

Had they of been madly in love with one another surely they'd have moved to be nearer each other.

If this friendship is going to continue to make you feel uncomfortable then it's time to end the relationship.

I don’t want to end it. I absolutely adore him! I just want to lay the concern to rest and move on, really. He’s wonderful.

But I also don’t want to be a mug!

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username299 · 09/02/2025 15:52

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:46

From what I understand, she’s a single woman. No kids.

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I'll go against the grain and say no thanks. I wouldn't want my bf writing regularly to some stunning, single woman he'd be with if she was nearer. I'd suck it up for the time being as your relationship is still new.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 09/02/2025 15:54

He's a bit of a dick for saying he'd be with her if she lived nearer...wouldn't fill me with confidence.

I'd throw this one back

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 15:55

I wouldn't like it at all either. Especially if he met her on a dating site.

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 15:59

This situation is really hard because the men can often make you feel like you're crazy.

You can say you're not ok with it and you want him to stop. But if you do he may break up with you.

I was in a situation like this ages ago. I told him I didn't like it. He told me I was crazy and it was fine to have a female friend.

It was the start of our break up. Other things led to our break up too. But the female friend was one of them.

It's so hard to navigate it.

IveGotYourNumber · 09/02/2025 16:03

If you are talking “a lot” about a future together it seems eminently reasonable to me that you are looking for reassurance and information as to how she fits into that future together. If he plans on remaining in touch with her then you’re going to have to find a way to deal with that. I’d be uncomfortable too but I think you have to take a leap of faith here and see how things pan out. If he is meant for you you’ll see it in many ways, No point making yourself sound like an insanely jealous bunny boiler at only 4 months in.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:04

IveGotYourNumber · 09/02/2025 16:03

If you are talking “a lot” about a future together it seems eminently reasonable to me that you are looking for reassurance and information as to how she fits into that future together. If he plans on remaining in touch with her then you’re going to have to find a way to deal with that. I’d be uncomfortable too but I think you have to take a leap of faith here and see how things pan out. If he is meant for you you’ll see it in many ways, No point making yourself sound like an insanely jealous bunny boiler at only 4 months in.

This is such a lovely and measured response. Thank you.

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Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:05

IveGotYourNumber · 09/02/2025 16:03

If you are talking “a lot” about a future together it seems eminently reasonable to me that you are looking for reassurance and information as to how she fits into that future together. If he plans on remaining in touch with her then you’re going to have to find a way to deal with that. I’d be uncomfortable too but I think you have to take a leap of faith here and see how things pan out. If he is meant for you you’ll see it in many ways, No point making yourself sound like an insanely jealous bunny boiler at only 4 months in.

But he met this woman on a dating site.

Good decent men, when they get into a relationship, stop messaging women on dating sites.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:06

He’s wonderful.

He's not.

He's got a "friend" whom he says he doesn't know what would happen with if they were in the same place.
That's not truly a friend.
That's a "friend" who's only not more than a friend because of geography.

Would he take that from you with another bloke?

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:08

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:05

But he met this woman on a dating site.

Good decent men, when they get into a relationship, stop messaging women on dating sites.

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I don’t know this for sure. He said “online” and that it was a Facebook group for fans of a certain band. I have no idea if this is true. My memory of him mentioning a dating app when he mentioned her in another context, may, admittedly, be incorrect.

OP posts:

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:09

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:08

I don’t know this for sure. He said “online” and that it was a Facebook group for fans of a certain band. I have no idea if this is true. My memory of him mentioning a dating app when he mentioned her in another context, may, admittedly, be incorrect.

Edited

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Hmm

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:09

What does your gut tell you?

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:10

Just that I started dating a man who had a friend like this once.

And the relationship turned out to be a disaster.

He told me "All my exes complained about this female friend too"

GoneGirl12345 · 09/02/2025 16:11

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Completely agree with this