To think their friendship is inappropriate?

[Frightodd]

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal.

They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings.

She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view).

I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing.

When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that.

I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

Well in that case it must be true. I assume your friend has been nominated by all males worldwide to be their universal spokesman?

Meecrowahvey · Today 15:37
You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you

I moved in around 4 months after we met. We both knew pretty quickly that we loved each other.

Yes exactly, tell him about your romantic pen pal and see how enthusiastic he feels about that.

No of course he doesn't speak for all men.

But I've seen a lot of men online saying the exact same thing that he did.

I am in therapy for it. As I said, I’m posting here rather than getting on him about it.

After 4 months you adore him? ⛳🚩

I would need more details on their ‘friendship.’ You’re getting to a point where you need to decide whether you carry on or you end things and you’re trying to do it with very little information.

Do they message each other, call or video chat, was their relationship ever physical, what are the contents of these letters? They could be completely platonic, they could be really romantic - who knows!

I think, whether you do it now or wait to see where it’s going, some point soon you’re going to need to have a conversation with him about her, their friendship, your relationship and how it’s all going to work or if it won’t.

I think a measure of ‘friendship’ is how open or how intimate and secretive it seems. If she is a true friend, and only a friend, as your relationship with him develops, he should be open to introducing you etc. If however he seems uncomfortable including you in the friendship, and keeps correspondence hidden and secretive, that would imply an intimate and therefore inappropriate friendship. I hope this works out well for you and he provides the reassurance you need, to allow the relationship to develop. Good luck OP!

No no no and no.

absolutely not

you are second best. Fuck that.

Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him.

It’s not up to him. His friend would also have to be attracted to him that way. Bit presumptuous to think he’d be “shagging her brains out” like she is some sort of sex doll he need only pay customs duties on to import.

when I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I'm not sure why you drew that conclusion, tbh.

The thing is that when she and he were both single, they didn't get together. I'd ask him whether previous girlfriends had ended their relationship with him because of this woman.

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:38

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 15:37
“hhmmmm. I’m not sure
I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.
**
Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him

Yes, really. The only thing stopping this “friendship” becoming a partnership is distance.

My husband and I were living together after 4 months. When it’s right, you know.

This isn’t right for OP. His heart is somewhere else.

You already feel second best and you’re only in the dating phase when people are typically on best behaviour. Run now before you’re in deeper. This is red flag central!

@Frightodd I don’t know whether I want to open Pandora’s box and start asking more questions.

I would look into his phone and find out what exactly is going on (I know some are going to grill me for this but that's how I caught my cheating BF).

They likely have “intimate “face times.

I can see why you aren’t happy.

If this will ultimately be a long term relationship for you and BF then l think you need to keep an eye on things. If the pen pal contact keeps going l think you have to be wary of emotional involvement and consider what would happen if the opportunity to meet up should ever present itself. Personally his answer to your question would be enough for me - I’m nobody’s second fiddle and I’d get out now

It doesn’t matter he met her on a dating site over a year before he met OP. It happens that you meet people who are lovely but end up in the friend zone. You can be good a decent in a relationship and keep your friends regardless of how you met them.

I don’t feel remotely like im second best. He treats me wonderfully. Like the pp, we also have both said it feel very right. If we didn’t have kids, I have no doubt we’d be talking about moving in together.

He didn’t hide anything about this woman nor has he indicated any feelings for her.

His “I don’t know” when I asked if he’d date her if they lived in the same country wasn’t wistful, he just shrugged it off. I chose not to ask any more questions at that point.

Akin to “all my exes were crazy” the arseholes playbook

But this is a friend that he can’t guarantee wouldn’t spill over into an intimate relationship should they ever meet. His answer to OP’s question is all she needs to know.

So ask yourself why you didn’t probe further at that point.

Your male friend is (in most cases) right. I had good male friends and husbands of close female friends make a move on me when I was widowed. I'd known them for years without a hint of anything beyond friendship. Women kid themselves that their hetero male friends don't view them as potential shags, even if they never act on it.

I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

So it would be fine to write letters to someone ugly?

You’re.being weird.