To think their friendship is inappropriate?

[Frightodd]

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal.

They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings.

She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view).

I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing.

When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that.

I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

He met her on a dating site and told you you're second best by that answer, otherwise he'd have simply said no. That would be enough for me to say goodbye.

I do agree with this. If his heart is somewhere else, he’s the world’s best actor!

I mean obviously. I wasn't suggesting he'd rape her if she happened to pop by, I was saying what he wants to be doing and as far as he's concerned distance is the only thing preventing it.

It doesn't really change how he feels about her though which is what OP has the issue with. Whether the thing stopping him is distance or the friend's lack of interest, OP is still the consolation prize in his mind.

His answer was an honest answer.
Cheaters would be quick to say guarentees and promises.

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:49

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 16:41
LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:38
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 15:37
“hhmmmm. I’m not sure
I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.
**
Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him

Yes, really. The only thing stopping this “friendship” becoming a partnership is distance.

My husband and I were living together after 4 months. When it’s right, you know.
This isn’t right for OP. His heart is somewhere else.
**
I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

I don’t 🤷‍♀️ No it doesn’t. Love is an awful lot more than sex!

OP firstly not at all here to argue or judge just went to help. 💐 You yourself said you were ‘deeply uncomfortable’ with the situation hence me making the conclusion you felt second best, maybe that was the wrong word, maybe a bit insecure?

If I was deeply uncomfortable, and in a situation like yours, early dating, I’d end it.

I’ve been in situations akin to what you describe and my gut was always right despite maybe myself trying to talk myself out of it or others. I had a guy who I was hugely in love with after 6 months I thought we were perfect with each other but unfortunately he was messaging his ex and sugar coating it as friendship which I fear is your situation, and I couldn’t be arsed with a life of that.

IMO life is too short to learn to live with others behaviour where they make you feel deeply uncomfortable and won’t change it.

People used to call me picky for ending things over stuff like this but I have a husband who loves and cherishes me and would never entertain a situation like this.

I really do wish you the best and I think you deserve more.

Or maybe he told his GF he would shag you if you lived closer?

Its a different scenario

It doesn'tmatter what we think and if its a struggle now for to be ok with it then for me that would be a dealbreaker. Don't waste your time.

You’re saying what you assume he wants to be doing. He’s not given any indication of wanting a romantic relationship with his pen pal. You’re actually being cruel to OP by calling her second best and a consolation prize, like all the women in a man’s life are in some sort of sex competition to be his #1 girl.

Just like women, men are capable of having friends of the opposite sex which doesn’t take anything away from their partners/wives.

Frightodd · Today 16:51

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:49
I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

I do agree with this. If his heart is somewhere else, he’s the world’s best actor!

So why deeply uncomfortable? So much so that you ask the opinions of strangers?

Just ask him. Is he physically attracted to her?

Their friendship may or may not inappopriate, a genuine friendship isn't inappropriate, but if you don't know what they say to each other you can't tell.

I would say it is more that you yourself perhaps are not in the right headspace for a relationship. If you've been cheated on and badly hurt, you may need time out of relationship mode to deal with it so you can give and receive love yourself.

His friendship isn't the issue here at the moment, however it was a shitty thing for him to say and doesn't sound like he currently thinks you are a long term GF because if he, did he wouldn't say it, he'd want to reassure you she is just a friend and only that, not just a friend because she lives elsewhere. If he is being honest, perhaps you have way more expectations of this relationship than him. In which case you should consider backing off and sorting out what is real or if you have plunged headlong into another relationship that could end with you feeling very hurt again.

He can't heal you or make you happy, it sounds like you are relying on him to be the one, but he can't be while you are suffering from previous issues, only you can do that.

I agree love is more than sex, but my horny rabbits comment was specifically a reply to the shagging her brains out comment. It was not even tangential to your “me and my DH moved in after 4mos..”

Not sure if this is relevant to you OP but I've just ended a 4 month relationship not due to a female friendship but due to the person love bombing me yet showing very little interest in my life or my family. I also started to notice he was selfish and had little consideration for others including his kids. I was aware while we were dating that he had a female friend where he'd pop round for pizza and to play Mario kart and (rightly or wrongly) I didn't bat an eyelid, I've never been cheated on and never been the suspicious type. Anyway within a month of me ending it he got in touch and I asked how he was getting on and he said "I'm dating again - can't do solitude - me and (female friend) are giving it a go" I was flabbergasted! But it also provided me with absolute certainty that I'd done the right thing ending it. I think you need to look around his life - how he treats others, his morals and values etc and make a decision from there. Good luck xx

LoremIpsumCici

I didn’t say anything about shagging anyone’s brains out: I’m not that crude!

100% this not even a what no of course not im with you I want to be with you but a hmm not sure means there are feelings there itl essentially be an emotional affair of some sort and if they meet up may turn physical. It sounds like he was already "taken" before you met him and doesn't realize this but dont be second best

OP has said she is deeply uncomfortable because her exes have cheated on her and so she tends to get suspicious over nothing despite being in therapy to help this. This means she can’t trust her gut. Her gut is hypersensitive because she’s been cheated on before. That’s why she is asking what we all think.

I think uncomfortable that he has a female love interest he would drop her like a hot rock for

@MrsSkylerWhite Just ask him. Is he physically attracted to her?

When asked if he would date her he told the OP "I don't know" which is quite a "non answer" because if you've known someone for a year, you've personally met them and chat on a constant basis you KNOW if this is someone you would date or not. Fact is most of us would know after meeting someone and talking with them for a week if" we want to date them or not". His "non answer" is pretty much a "yes but would rather say no as to not upset you".

I kind of felt like this reading OP's posts.

She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference.

Not upset. Uncomfortable. The thought of him writing private letters to a beautiful woman does indeed make feel odd.

She'd be fine with him writing and Whatsapping and saying "hhmmm, I'm not sure" if the woman had a face like a melted welly.

Ooops, I can see now looking back quoted the wrong post. Sorry for the confusion.

LoremIpsumCici · Today 17:01

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 16:59
LoremIpsumCici
I didn’t say anything about shagging anyone’s brains out: I’m not that crude!
Ooops, I can see now looking back quoted the wrong post. Sorry for the confusion

No worries.

If my now DH had asked me that early dating and I had said “hmm not sure” I’d have been shown the door. 😂😂

I actually did have a male friend who I knew had feelings for me who when I was single entertained it (my bad I know). He used to get a bit catty about my boyfriends. My now husband made a remark on itand really I didn’t have a leg to stand on it previously being a flirty type of friendship when I was single it so I cut him off. No regrets.

You do it for the right person.

Have you seen the content in the letters/texts

Is she French with Catherine Deneuve hair? Bow out gracefully as if she is, it won't end well...

Do you have any sense of the content or tone of these letters? Is he secretive about them or his WhatsApp comms? They might not be having or able if have a physical relationship but I'd want to be confident it wasn't in emotional affair territory.

You say you don't trust your gut but you also say

"I am deeply uncomfortable with this"

I think you should trust your gut more - it's there to protect you and will have learned from previous trauma, when something isn't right. Don't doubt yourself too much.

You say you don't want to open Pandora's box - is that because you don't want to know the answers incase you don't like them? Or because you don't want to reveal your insecurities to him? If yes to either of these you're on rocky foundations already.