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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think their friendship is inappropriate?

115 replies

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:35

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal.

They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings.

She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view).

I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing.

When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that.

I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:11

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:09

What does your gut tell you?

My gut isn’t trustworthy because of previous cheating so I go wildly between looking at the facts I have (she’s the other side of the planet, our relationship is incredible, he clearly adores me)….

And the sketchy info I have about her (good looking, same taste in music, writing each other letters, may or may not have met on a dating app).

I’m able to focus on the first set of facts when we’re together and things are lovely, but when we’re not, she resurfaces.

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:12

If we followed the male red pill philosophy on this - and on the occasional thing, I think they're actually correct) they would grade him as a casual, non exclusive relationship partner. Not serious, exclusive, committed relationship material.

They'd call this person (the "friend") an "orbiter".

They don't go exclusive with or prioritise relationships with women with orbiters.

(They don't bother telling them they're not exclusive or committed to them either!

However that would tend to work for men, not so much for women. And you're already emotionally attached, it's obvious from the language you use and how happy you are to read a post that minimises it & let's you continue seeing him).

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:12

You described them as pen pals (literally pen and paper) but that’s not true, is it? Not if they have met and speak via WhatsApp etc. Do they call each other? Video?

Do you know whether anything physical has ever happened between them when they have met? Because that would change this all, quite a bit.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:13

If you’re happy with him imagining her in intimate situations, carry on. If not, don’t. That simple, I think.

Original poster
Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:14

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:12

You described them as pen pals (literally pen and paper) but that’s not true, is it? Not if they have met and speak via WhatsApp etc. Do they call each other? Video?

Do you know whether anything physical has ever happened between them when they have met? Because that would change this all, quite a bit.

I don’t know any of this. Only that I saw her name once on his WhatsApp’s. I have no idea if they call, etc.

I don’t know whether I want to open Pandora’s box and start asking more questions.

OP posts:
Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:14

I think I would let it go for a few months if it was me.

They're not in the same country.

beAsensible1 · 09/02/2025 16:14

I wouldn’t bother. Doesn’t matter what we think, it’s early days and makes you uncomfortable. You won’t be able to
let it lie and as you get deeper in you will just end up In constant back and forths.

Remember a boundary isn’t forcing someone to fit into your mould but deciding to step away when they don’t.

let him have his penpal and leave him.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2025 16:14

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Yes, you are 2nd best and the only reason he is with you is proximity

outerspacepotato · 09/02/2025 16:16

The only reason she's just a "friend" is long distance. He's not sure if things would be different if she lived closer.

Of course he's not going to tell you he would go after her if she lived nearby. You're the nearby option.

You are really rushing things talking about the future after 4 months of dating.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:17

Only that I saw her name once on his WhatsApp’s

Well it means they've WhatsApp ed.

Why else would she be a contact in his WA.

(Also the letter etc writing - to me seems quite romantic and significant. Quite a lot of effort).

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/02/2025 16:17

Meecrowahvey · 09/02/2025 15:37

You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you?

He also admitted he would prefer the said friend over OP if she lived closer... Not ideal, unless you like being third wheel in your own relationship.

Celia24 · 09/02/2025 16:18

Hard one OP. I’ve had a male friend for over 20 years since we were kids, also bonded over similar interests,

also in person friends now, nothing has ever happened.

I think I’d be bothered by your situation as she’s a new friend as an adult and he’s as much as admitted he’d be with her if closer.

that said my current DP had an ex who eas practically a pen pal and as our relationship developed she gradually disappeared. It was fulfilling something for him before me, I think he’d been lonely. So she may disappear if you hide your time or may not

Arlanymor · 09/02/2025 16:19

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Same, well said.

FedupMumof10YearOld · 09/02/2025 16:20

Basically he said given half a chance he would be with her. Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker.

Parrotinthehouse · 09/02/2025 16:20

Sounds like your his right now - untik he convinces her to come back.

I would have ended it when he answered 'not sure'

You ddeserve more OP

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:20

My male friend told me that all men want to have sex with their female friends.

They keep it at a friend level as they think the female friend doesn't want more.

But if the female friend ever said that she wanted more, the man would have sex with her in a second

AsLivingArrows · 09/02/2025 16:20

I very much believe that it's fine to have friends of the opposite gender, but not when he's said something might happen. That's not a friendship.

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:20

My male friend told me that all men want to have sex with their female friends.

They keep it at a friend level as they think the female friend doesn't want more.

But if the female friend ever said that she wanted more, the man would have sex with her in a second

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/02/2025 16:20

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:12

You described them as pen pals (literally pen and paper) but that’s not true, is it? Not if they have met and speak via WhatsApp etc. Do they call each other? Video?

Do you know whether anything physical has ever happened between them when they have met? Because that would change this all, quite a bit.

You can be penpals with people you have met irl.
It sort of beats the point though if you also use whattsap. A lot of effort to write letters but also maintaint regular contact via SM.

Gottogetmyflyzone · 09/02/2025 16:20

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

exactly the same for me

Neveranynamesleft · 09/02/2025 16:22

He's having his cake and eating it. Save yourself the hassle, nothing is going to change as he quite clearly enjoys her 'company' and let's be honest, if he thought better of you then he would end things with her. Move on, regardless of how much you like him, you are worth more than this set up.

NewNeolithic · 09/02/2025 16:22

I think I was the woman in this scenario when I started dating my husband. But then I fell in love with my husband and made a life with him, and no longer wrote to some 'old friends', one in particular. He knew about him from our pre-dating days (I had told him I would be with him if we lived in the same country) and he never mentioned it after we started dating. I think he was confident in our relationship and trusted me (rightly).

If this chap is keen on you, and has residual feelings for his friend, they should fade as you become more involved (4 months is really not long). And you should trust him that this old passion will fade as you fill his life. If you struggle with trust, it may require an honest conversation between you at some point - not yet - but I actually think it is a good sign he was honest about her. Good luck with it.

Original poster
Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:25

NewNeolithic · 09/02/2025 16:22

I think I was the woman in this scenario when I started dating my husband. But then I fell in love with my husband and made a life with him, and no longer wrote to some 'old friends', one in particular. He knew about him from our pre-dating days (I had told him I would be with him if we lived in the same country) and he never mentioned it after we started dating. I think he was confident in our relationship and trusted me (rightly).

If this chap is keen on you, and has residual feelings for his friend, they should fade as you become more involved (4 months is really not long). And you should trust him that this old passion will fade as you fill his life. If you struggle with trust, it may require an honest conversation between you at some point - not yet - but I actually think it is a good sign he was honest about her. Good luck with it.

This is how I (mostly) feel. Our relationship is truly fantastic and in my more logical moments I can absolutely put it to the back
of my mind and assume it’ll die a death.

In the dark of night though, it’s giving me pause for thought.

OP posts:
Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:26

I was just thinking that the other way around is also really sad.

Ive been friends with men. I'd known them for a long time. Some since school.

I'd been friends with one of them for 8 years. Nothing romantic ever happened with us.

We were good friends. We did lots of activities (in a group) with other friends together every year.

The minute he got a girlfriend, I never saw him again. His girlfriend didn't like him having female friends.

Hiddenfeature · 09/02/2025 16:26

Seek therapy for your jealousy and anger.

We’re all a little in love with gorgeous people, I’m sure you have been as well, that does not mean we would ever entertain cheating or leave our partners.

Your jealousy will be the self fulfilling prophecy that drives him away if you don’t get a handle on it.

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