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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think their friendship is inappropriate?

115 replies

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:35

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal.

They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings.

She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view).

I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing.

When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that.

I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

OP posts:

BrendaSmall · 09/02/2025 17:15

They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app.

he doesn’t sound like he’s being completely honest with you about how/where he met this person to?!
You're not convinced about his reply??!

Get rid before you start getting feelings for him, as it sounds like he won’t be getting any for you as he wants the other person!

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/02/2025 17:23

This isn't an appropriate friendship because he's pretty much told you there an attraction there.

Gottogetmyflyzone · 09/02/2025 17:28

Does he have any other female friends that he talks to regularly (regardless of beauty)?

AltitudeCheck · 09/02/2025 17:31

I think he was just honest by saying that if he lived in the same country she is someone he might have dated. On a purely factual level, she's attractive and they have some shared interests, that's the basic minimum criteria to date someone. You didn't ask him if he'd prefer to date her so don't twist his answer to mean that in your head when your insecurities kick in.

Just because he would have dated her in different circumstances it doesn't mean he imagines dating her or wants to date her now. He's with you and he's not just dating with you, he's actively talking about a future together. There are lots of people I would have said yes to a date or two with if my circumstances were different!

Beeloux · 09/02/2025 17:31

Hmmmm I’m not sure

He is clearly telling you if she were ever to come over he would cheat and shag her given the chance.

It’s awful OP, I’ve been a similar situation before but DO NOT settle for second best. Get out now while the relationship is still early on otherwise this will shatter your self-esteem.

EdithBond · 09/02/2025 17:44

I’d enjoy it for now and see how it goes. But I wouldn’t get too invested.

The ‘hhmmm, I’m not sure’ shows he’s having an intimate relationship with someone who, if they lived in closer proximity, he’d consider taking to the next level, despite having dated you for 4 months.

Mixed messages. If he’s not more into you after 4 months, will he ever be?

CorduroySituation · 09/02/2025 17:56

You're not Miss Right for him, you're just Miss Right Now and if she gave him the wink, he'd be off.

I wouldn't be anyone's back up plan.

NiftyKoala · 09/02/2025 17:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 15:37

“hhmmmm. I’m not sure

I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.

This. Hmmm I'm not sure would make me very sure this is not for me.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/02/2025 18:07

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:45

I don’t feel remotely like im second best. He treats me wonderfully. Like the pp, we also have both said it feel very right. If we didn’t have kids, I have no doubt we’d be talking about moving in together.

He didn’t hide anything about this woman nor has he indicated any feelings for her.

His “I don’t know” when I asked if he’d date her if they lived in the same country wasn’t wistful, he just shrugged it off. I chose not to ask any more questions at that point.

Show quote history

If the feelings you describe here are outweigh any other feelings, then it sounds as if you have no reason to doubt your boyfriend, and it's a bit surprising that you are posting about the situation here. But you are posting here, which suggests you feel at least somewhat threatened by this other woman.
'Mmm, I don't know' sounds as if he'd be interested in dating her if the circumstances were right, and he's said nothing can happen between them because they live in different countries, not because he has now found his soulmate in you. And they are in contact quite a lot.
I think quite a few women would be worried and jealous. I would be.

Ilovelurchers · 09/02/2025 18:11

OP, in all honesty I wouldn't like this either. But then I am quite a jealous person. My daughter's dad had loads of female friends (which never bothered me - I had lots of male ones). Then he got together with one of them (still with her now) and in retrospect I realised/discovered she wasn't the first one he had crossed lines with.

I have had two serious relationships since we split. The first one had a few female friends (all exes) and that made me very insecure, which definitely did contribute to our breakup.

The second one, we have had a rocky road but are making another go of it (I hope - he is the love of my life). And I admit I feel DEEPLY uncomfortable about the female friendships he has. And that has caused problems between us.

If I was ever single again I would potentially look for a guy who didn't have female friends I think. Not because it is wrong to have them per se. But just because I personally find it hard to cope with them, possibly due to my past experience with DD's dad.

If you, like me, struggle with jealousy, and it's not too late to walk away now with your heart still intact, maybe you should. Because what's the alternative? If you demand he stop writing to her you will sounds controlling and unhinged. But can you actually live with it?.

Arlanymor · 09/02/2025 18:14

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 16:48

So ask yourself why you didn’t probe further at that point.

Show quote history

Quite and it wasn’t ’No’ was it?

valentinka31 · 09/02/2025 18:14

I think you need to deal with your perspective, which has been affected by being cheated on by a different person in the past.

Everything this guy seems to be saying and doing, and your feelings and experience with him, would suggest you are very much into each other and both want to go forwards with the relationship.

This woman was in his life for over a year before he met and wanted to be with you. Yes when he was single and she was there, who knows how they met, and for sure she's been important and it has been a source of pleasure to write with her. When you say 'paper and pen' do you mean literally, or messaging on whats app etc? I have had a couple of friendships like that, and they can be wonderful and feel very sort of intimate, but they are virtual, and everyone knows that. At some point it will probably die down, and it probably has anyhow already, but don't let your real life proper connection and romance with him be affected for a second by this penpal. She's been someone to talk to, as much as anything. So just leave it be.

Don't look for holes in your jumper, or you'll make some while you are doing it.

That's an Eastern European saying which I think is totally apt.

Be happy, and don't think about her.

He's with you.

Don't ruin your real relationship because you fear a ghost.

5128gap · 09/02/2025 18:16

Well we all have our deal breakers, don't we? And I have to say being with a man who would be with someone else if it was practical would be one of mine. I don't think its much to ask to be the only woman your partner wants to be with and to be confident that if he had a choice between you and another woman he'd pick you. Other people may focus more on the practical than the theory and not mind given there is no physical threat. Personally I'd rather hold out for a man who didn't have feelings for someone else, than settle for "Oh well he might want to, but cant".

BadSil · 09/02/2025 18:16

Meecrowahvey · 09/02/2025 15:37

You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you?

No she's upset because he was hesitant when asked if she was closer would they be in a relationship. No one wants to be second choice.

Op you deserve to be someone's first choice. Not someone who will do for now.

StrawberryDream24 · 10/02/2025 16:50

Let's all give an estimated percentage of how many hetero opposite sex friendships are truly truly platonic friendships in our experience.

Because I'd have to say about 2%.

All the "you need therapy for your jealousy", "isn't he allowed female friends" etc. posters are basing their advice on a nice ideal (platonic friendship) that most people don't achieve.

If the shoe was on the other foot and the op had a good looking male "friend" whom she met online, whom she goes to the bother of writing letters to (and vice versa) and who this guy saw popping up on her WhatsApp (and if her answer to "would you have hooked up with him if you were in the same region?" had been "I don't know") ....do you think this guy would be super committed and invested in her.

Cause I don't.

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