Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

I think if you're 42 and only just dipping your toe back into dating, you don't have time to build a solid healthy relationship for long enough to get pregnant by 45. I know there are plenty of people in happy stable relationships who got pregnant within 3years of getting together - but even if you got together with the potential father today you're going to be getting to know them, introducing them to your existing child and getting pregnant within the first three years to hit a 45yr cut off date.... and I think that's way too fast and too disruptive for your 14yo. If you were already in a long-standing stable relationship right now it might be different.

I think you also need to closely examine the reasons this feels like such a gaping hole, and the impact on your existing child. I completely understand that you always wanted two, but was that with a 14 year age gap (minimum)? Or was it more two little kiddies playing around together and being best mates as well as siblings? I think you just need to be really honest with yourself here.

Do you have your parents alive and are you close to them op?

Until 7 years ago I was plodding along nicely (I was very fit, felt full of zest and able to parent my then 13 and 10 year old with ease) then at 45 perimenopause hit me hard and at the same time my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I am now an exhausted 52 year old, trying to juggle an elderly and scared father and a terminally ill mother (she also has breast cancer) and trying to help my teens navigate life (teen life gets harder) and dealing with my own health issues.

I could not imagine doing this right now with a 7 year old. It would be draining and totally unfair on the child as I could not parent them in the way I could have done 15-20 years ago.

You also seem to forget how difficult it can be to fall pregnant at 45. If you are only at the dating stage it could take years.

I had a baby at 43 and honestly I wish I could have had the same baby ten or even more years earlier. Nothing to do with energy but a lot to do with knowing, statistically, that I will not be around to see any grandchildren grow up and I will certainly be gone in his forties and that really saddens me.

You had a child at 16?

Not ideal I'm sure.

Many women now are just starting to have babies at 38.

The average age for a first has gone up to 30, I think.

MN is so ageist- so many younger posters think that 50 is old.

Ok, missed you already have a 14 year old. In that case, no I wouldn’t do it. That’s a very different scenario to having a first/only child in your 40’s or even trying for a second with a small age gap.

With a 14 year old they may well need you more than ever in the difficult teenage/young adult years, and could end up easily resenting their sibling imo, whatever they say now (at least until that sibling grows into an adult or until they themselves leave home). They’ve got used to having you to themselves for 14 years after all! I know there are always exceptions, but I really think that would be the more likely scenario imo.

I wouldn’t personally want the nightmare of a newborn baby who may hardly sleep or have colic/reflux or whatever or then a tantruming toddler in the “terrible two’s” AND cope with a teenager who was being difficult on top of that in my 40’s.

Your 14 year old is about to start the most important years of their education and you want to have your time taken up with IVF and then a newborn? Think of your existing child, not yourself.

I'm 60 with a 15yr old.

Thanks for your vote of confidence in my ability to parent my child successfully. 😂

I think we're doing ok. 👌

Well, I became pregnant at 42 and gave birth at 43. I wasn't trying to conceive so it was a big surprise. I had one of the easiest births within my (much younger) NCT group and I didn't feel like a grandparent at the school gate - in fact I wasn't even the oldest mother in my child's year. Yes, things are tricky now in the teen years but that would always have been the case. I'm fit, have loads of energy and don't feel tired at all. But I admit I would like more time with her to see her life develop - but then my mother had me when she was 30 and didn't live to see my10th birthday so you just never know.

Teenager, baby and peri menopause a wonderful combination!

I'm 61 with a 16 year old. Absolutely loving every minute of it!

Yes. Not too old for a baby but you'd be 60 when they are 15 and it's too old for a teenager. You wont be an active grandparent, either, even if they have children younger than you did.

Everybody's situation is different. I am 45 & have a 18 year old daughter. She's my only child. I had suffered terrible postpartum depression for 3 yrs. Daughter is the best thing in my life but has been challenging due to the impact of my depression. I did want more but was petrified of being ill again. Husband worked away a lot so I done pretty much of the parenting. I don't regret not having anymore. I like my life in order, I don't do well with change & I feel like am just at the peak of my teaching profession and can finally have my freedom back once she goes away to university this year.

My advice to anyone, to decide on having a child, you must consider if this is really what you want. Is your health good, do you have support. Anything can change when a baby comes along , you have no control over that change. If I your circumstances and health is good then go for it. However, I do think if the age is beyond 48 . It would be challenging to raise a child due to the complications with age and the child at greater risk of Autism and other problems.

I’m dreadful at maths but i think mine was 17 when I was 60. I was a bit put out by that myself 😄

Goodness me, where on earth do you live? 1885?

Having a baby for your 14 year old is insane. You'll potentially have a crying baby keeping them while they're doing their GCSE's, a demanding, tantruming preschooler when they're doing their A-levels.. The huge age gap means they're unlikely to be close as they'll have nothing in common and you eldest will probably be living away from home for much of their siblings growing up years.

Let's not pretend having this baby is for your 14 year old, it won't benefit them at all. A child with SEN might even have quite a negative and difficult effect on their life. This is for you, lets face it.

My mum had me when she was 44, she conceived naturally and her pregnancy and birth were both straightforward. She and my dad had both been married previously in their late teens and each had adult children from their previous marriages. They were keen to have a child together so I was definitely planned. They always said that they found raising me much easier than they had found raising my older siblings. They may have been younger when they had their first children but they were also both in a less settled and comfortable place in their lives. By the time they had me, they were in a loving and stable relationship, were financially very comfortable which allowed my mum to become a SAHM, something she had always wanted to do with her eldest but did not have the opportunity to do and were also both able to spend more quality time with me. I had a wonderful childhood with two loving and fully engaged parents. My mum was at home full-time and, when my dad was off work at the weekends, he spent the whole time with me doing fun and interesting things. I had a great relationship with both of my parents and was never conscious of them being older than my classmates' parents, in fact, my parents always said that having me later in life helped keep them young.

@CharlotteLightandDark

Yes it is imo.
its more grandparent age

What have I just read??!!! 45 is Grandparent age? Jeez...........no, its definitely not. Maybe for some people but not for the majority by a far stretch.

I think that the only problem I see is not only finding someone else but finding someone else who also wants a child

No issue with getting pregnant at 45 I have one friend who had her 4th at 46 and another who had given up on ivf and decided to embrace the children life. At 50 and the first holiday they had away she ended up pregnant. Both children have no problems and both parents over 60/approaching 70 and look and act no different to the 40+/50+ year olds who are their dc’s peers parents

The only one thing I would do is check out your egg count just incase you need to go for it now with a sperm donor.

I think you need to seriously consider the scenario that your 14 year old would not be thrilled at you having another baby. Your time and resources would have to be shared, and given the age gap between them they may not have any real sort of bond.

I think there's a really big variation in what people can handle at different ages. There are so many variables, some predictable, some not, i.e., do you have other children, caring responsibilities for generation above, illnesses, etc...
For me, I had my child aged 31 and 34, so 45 with a baby feels difficult to imagine.
Had I not had children, well, I can't imagine that either.
We all walk our own paths in life, and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, but as others have said, think carefully about the financials and how you would cope/maybe thrive with a teenager in your 60s.
Good luck x

I would only do it if I could do it naturally. For me it’s a consideration at this age as dp has not got children. But he is younger. 60 win a teen doesn’t seem that old to me. People live longer etc but no one knows about health implications etc.

I wouldn't do it, I'd absolutely not be willing to be navigating teenage years and uni and possible grandchildren at 60+. And I don't think it's fair on the child either.

And anyway - this from @Lyn348 is exactly my thinking:

Having a baby for your 14 year old is insane. You'll potentially have a crying baby keeping them while they're doing their GCSE's, a demanding, tantruming preschooler when they're doing their A-levels.. The huge age gap means they're unlikely to be close as they'll have nothing in common and you eldest will probably be living away from home for much of their siblings growing up years.

Can't stress this enough!

Being healthy in your 40s in one thing, but a child will typically need 20 to 25 years before they are fully grown.

It's really not fair to see your parents in and out of the hospital in your teens, due to their advanced age.

Sorry but don't be ridiculous,of course your not too old if you can still get pregnant.We had them young & don't regret it cause we are now young (ish😂) Grandparents but there are pros & cons for both decisions. Go for it,you will regret it if you don't 😊