Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

I am still suffering from dreadful insomnia and I hit menopause 14 years ago.

My DH was 43 when we had our DD (I'm 7 years younger), she is very loved, very wanted and he doesn't have any issues with parenting her in terms of energy levels and is a super involved father (she is 9 now). He had 3 children in his 20s with his ex wife and he will say he is probably able to be a calmer and more present parent to their younger sister than he probably was in his 20s.

Edit - just read you already have a child, in which case I would invest your time and energy into working out what is lacking rather than trying to fill it with a second child, I think that's a very different circumstance to a woman who has never had a child.

I would’ve said I think it is a bit too old but it’s up to you – then read the follow-up that you already had a 14-year-old, in that case absolutely yes don’t even think about it – totally unfair on your teenager. Be happy with what you have got.

I would have another at my age of 47 if I could - 45 is not too old IMO

Oh for goodness sake,it depends on the people concerned. My neighbour was caring for grandchildren regularly when she was in her 80s. It kept her young & she was amazing.

I dont think 50 is old at all i think at that age you wouldnt want want to do the baby years.
Yes i had a baby young and took a lot of stigma but i wouldnt change it.

Yes, especially having a 5 year old at 50.

She was unusual. 84 is the median age for women to die in this country.

Yes, it’s too old.

I’m 50, I couldn’t imagine running around after a 4 year old, however I’m not you. Have you spoken to any clinics about this?

100% this... Couldn't think of anything worse.

But this is not the case for all people. Statistically, it's far more likely that serious health problems start to crop up in your 60s. I am happy that your 80 year old neighbor is doing so well, but taking care of children does not "keep her young". She just happens to be in a position where she can still take care of children.

My mum was 45 and I was conceived naturally and unexpectedly. I had a lovely childhood and she is still around. She was very fit and active which helped and also very sociable. I went to a private school and I think that made it easier as there were a lot of children who had older parents there. When I was in a state school lots of people including teachers thought she was my grandmother and that was tough but then it was a different era when fewer people had children late.

There have been a few other tough periods. She had cancer when I was a teenager and and my dad was unwell at the same time. I knew they were making plans with relatives incase one didn't make it. I'm now in my 40s with school aged children and I'm caring for her too. She's not been able to be a hands on grandmother but she's delighted to be a granny.

We're very close and she's a great mum but she told me to have children earlier. Looking back she was exhausted and struggling with her physical and mental health at various points. She was fortunate enough to not need to work either and I really think money and support played a big part in her coping with being an older mum.

Depending where you live you might be financing one child in uni and one in childcare at the same time, then another through uni when close to retirement

Caring for elderly or terminally ill parents is hard at any age. I did the latter when very young, and am doing the former now, way before my peers.

If anything keeps me awake at night, it's the worry that my DC will have to care for me or DP in one capacity or another before they're well into middle age. We definitely fell into the 'let's wait until we're comfortably settled' idea, as professionals establishing careers. My midwife notes referred to me as a geriatric mother; I know that's technically any mother over 36, but it's true -my DC will experience me as truly geriatric earlier on in their lives than many of their peers. I feel really bad about it, like I made quite a selfish call all those years ago, and it will now inevitably impact those I love very badly.

It is so very fact and circumstance specific. I was nearly 45 when DS was born (our third child; his sisters are 10 and 7 years older). The pregnancy was text book (I did I admit get very tired in the last month). Delivery was the easiest of the 3. There is no discernible difference in my energy levels parenting him than my daughters.

He is now 13 and I am 58 and DH is 57 (might have been different if DH was older again than I). We are fit, active, solvent, fully engaged. To the poster who says they are pretty sure 60 is too old to have a 15 year old; I don’t accept that. That will be us in 2 years time. I cannot see any challenges presenting with him that are harder or so very different than with DD1 and DD2.

I am not advocating it as a life choice for anyone else. But it’s working out beautifully for us.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

It is though. Lots of people are grandparents by 45-50. Indeed if you have a baby in your mid-late 40s, most people (in the real world) will think you're their grandparent by the time you take them to school.

That's a fact I'm afraid..

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Physically? Not necessarily too old, no. I had my second at 45 (conceived when I was still 44 though). Is it fair on the child? I don't honestly know and suspect it very much depends on personal circumstances. Mine is 2 now, and apart from needing an emergency c-section it's been plain sailing overall for both of us throughout so far. Right now I think I'm as good and as involved a parent as I would have been 10 or 20 years ago but as I say DC is only 2. How it'll be in 15 years time though I have no idea!

Maybe in your circle it is. I don’t know any grandparents who are 45 at all.

Personally if I hadn't had any children and I was 45 I would do it. No one bats an eye when the dad is in his 40s
Dad's aren't going through the menopause a few years later!
My menopause and health at 59 has been reasonably ok but I'm still shattered and lethargic at times. I wouldn't want to cope with a teenager now, I had enough drama 15 years go when they were going through their GCSe, first relationships, ferrying them round to different sports clubs and then worrying about them when they were old enough to go out drinking.
I deffo wouldn't want to be starting that now at my age!
Mine were easy teens as well!

I have similar friends, they have never outwardly said it has ruined their lives, I know they find life incredibly difficult. He was 50 and she was 40 when they conceived their first child (who is now 6) and the younger one came along a few years later. The older child has autism and it is suspected that the younger one will be diagnosed the same. They are exhausted and I know the husband really struggles with the exhaustion and has a lot of guilt that being an older father might have contributed to the Austim. Of course, I have no way (and neither do they) of whether this is a valid factor in the diagnosis.

Please don't OP. My mother was 43, DF was 51 when they had me and it was definitely too old. There's so much research now to suggest that older eggs/sperm have a huge impact on the resultant child's health and well-being that goes way beyond what was previously thought.

I have ASD, ADHD, a neurological disorder, complex MH issues and an eating disorder. I firmly believe the quality of the genetic material my parents provided plays a huge role in this. What's worse, I've passed that faulty genetic material on to my own kids (even though I had my first in my early 20s) because I simply didn't know in time.

45 year olds vary hugely, in terms of health, support, energy levels, fertility, finances etc. There's not one answer which fits every single 45 year old.

On the whole, on average, it's going to be too late for many women.

Autism seems to be more common with older dads.
It is worth noting OP has a teenager already. Parenting a teenager and having a baby is tough anyway, as they are both at very different stages of life, but both need support and help.

I've replied upthread and you've since said you have a 14 year old, , I'd assumed it was about a first .
tbh your single and your 14 year old is coming up to exams & revising etc . A good reason not to have a child .

Also they are coming up to an age where they will need lifts to and from places , often later at night .
Your 14 year old is moving into a new life between child / adult and everything that brings .

That would be a big fat no from me , and being honest with you by saying a little bit selfish .