Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

Honestly, yes.

I am nearly 42, fit and healthy and would be too old, I had mine at 26 and feel like I can keep up mentally and physically with them.

We live in an affluent part of London where there are plenty of older mums but in my antenatal and baby groups there were also mums about 26. I realised they were all anti contraception beyond the natural methods and they wanted to be younger mums because of what they knew about optimal fertility. I think we are talking about fertility far more now and how difficult it can be to get pregnant for some when not that old. I have more friends than not who didn't struggle with TTC or miscarriages.

Maybe this is the reason for such high prevalence in special needs over the last 10 years or so. People pushing the age to have children right up to menopause. Younger eggs, younger sperm, younger bodies in general probably have less DNA damage. I don't know the ins and outs of the reasons, but it's a theory.

I still feel like a teenager, and not at all responsible enough for a full time job, mortgage and a baby. But biologically, that is not the case. The mind and body are not always aligned.

And I say that as someone who is 38 and has been trying for over 3 years for their first baby.

This is nonsense, there are plenty of hours in a day to be a good parent to various DC of different ages. I have a similar age gap and can’t relate with what you’ve said at all.

I get that, I travelled all around the world in my late teens/full 20s. Had my dcs in my early 30s. You get to have nice family holidays when you have the energy to enjoy them. Then when you're finished working, paid off mortgage etc, you get to travel kid free again.
At 56 I want to be reading under a parasol, not running around after an 11 year old. Each to their own, and I realise everybody meets their partner at different ages, and sometimes life happens when it happens. If I had the choice like op, already have kids, I wouldn't want another in my mid 40s.

Who DID* struggle TTC I meant to say

You didnt mention 16 year olds, you said "At a young age" which these days I would consider anything up to mid twenties. There is a big difference between a 16 year old school girl and a 24 year old with a partner and a job etc. I would consider both to be young.

ETA...

Are you really so lacking in imagination to not be able to comprehend that some 16 year olds have never been taught to value education? Some get to that age and genuinely believe that they must either sign on or have a baby as that is what their community/family/society does. You and I had different upbringings and that gave the information to make different choices, but rather than simply admit that you are being very judgemental about teenage mothers, you hide it under "bafflement" and "I cant comprehend why..."

Women are expected to work until they're 67...

posted earlier and am 60,
4 kids 15-23

My kids are not wild, rebellious or challenging. I’m 60, and NOT struggling with teens. Didn’t “struggle” with teens in my 50s. Found enough time for everyone.

My kids are the children I raised, 4 of them. We get along well, help each other. They aren’t perfect, but not all teens are wild. Not all are a struggle for parents.

Do your sums right.
She has a 14yo now, she's 42, thinking time to meet and get to know partner before baby. So by the time she has a baby 14yo will be 17,
By the time baby is 4 and she's 50 14yo will be 21.

I just don't think it's an ideal situation to be starting again with another family. They won't have a sibling relationship more like Uncle / nephew.

I think it is too old. The only slightly positive thing is that at least the child wouldn't be an only, so would have some chance of sibling support if you died young. They wouldn't be left entirely alone in the world. Although would it be fair to your 14 year old to potentially have to be responsible for a much younger sibling as just a young adult themself?

I am 38. I would love a child, but I won't he having one, as I am too old and I don't have any wider family for my potential child (my partner and I are both only children). It breaks my heart, I am grieving for the family I will never have and I am terrified of ending up all alone in the world. But none of that matters - the child comes first.

I have wondered the same but we will be shot down in flames for saying so.

It worked for me I appreciate not many 16 year olds could make it work but I'm still with the same man he works hard got a mortgage etc. Also finished school before baby was born got good GCSEs despite being pregnant. Obviously not recommending it to anyone else, late motherhood also comes with a lot of risks but can still work fine for some women my own mother being one example.

I was 30 when we started TTC. Didn't have our first until I was 34.

So by your logic anyone who has a 14 year age gap with children would end up neglecting a their elder child?
so that's not really about the age of the mother

I have had a conversation with someone senior who works in a closely allied field, and she said there's growing speculation that there could be a link with Covid, as SEN has increased exponentially over the last five years?

Did you mean to quote me?

I got pregnant at 45 (first attempt whilst breastfeeding a toddler and with a nearly 4 year old). I didnt realize it was that old, we certainly didnt feel older than anyone else with kids their age and still dont. 17 years on all the kids are doing brilliantly, happy and well adjusted and seem to have had great opportunities with parents that dont need to work full time so have had lots of time for them and had the ideal housing, Many activity/ski holidays a year, regular sailing and numerous hobbies.

I think being older gives you the confidence to parent well, the financial security to enjoy time with them. We ski, cycle and do every water sport with them. They ski faster now but that would be the same if we were 40 not 60! I honestly think kids all think their parents are old, not sure they distinguish between old and very old. They describe teachers as old, nearing retirement at 40!

I cant think of any disadvantages but that may well be different if you have older kids. I didnt have to cope with a large age gap, that may well be challenging. It may seem tiring if it is parenting a 2nd time round but isnt 1st time round (unless you both still need to work full time building up careers rather than self employed/winding down). However it may be hard to get pregnant.

Sorry no the quote above yours

My parents got married when my mum was 18, and she had me a year and a half later. They had a long and happy marriage.

She advised us to wait - we all went to uni anyway so we took a different path.

I live in a middle class area and lots of the mums at school are doctors, lawyers etc. so you'd expect them to have babies later. The oldest mum in the class had her last baby at 40. Just before we left the primary school, one mum had a baby at 42. She became the oldest mum to have a baby in that class. Most of the mums had their babies in their 30s.
I do think it's very unusual to have a baby at 45. Yes we all know it happens but it's unusual, partly because most women don't want babies at that age, but also because most women are no longer able to have a baby at 45. I believe the chance of conception at 45 is 1%, with most pregnancies ending in miscarriage. In terms of fertility and egg quality, there's a huge difference between 40 and 45.

I had mine at 32 and it’s taken a massive toll on me! The sleepless nights are HARD! There’s no way I’d have coped at 45 that’s for sure!!

I worry also about the risks of having issues as an older mum and the baby having things wrong.

personally I wouldn’t take the risk.

Yes I think so, everything could go well and hopefully it does if you go through with it but I would be thinking of the child having at 15 having a mother of 60 and 6 years later when he’s 21 having an oap as a mother of course it’s entirely up to you, I had all my children very young I’m 68 and my eldest is 48

To the OP. Don’t ask mumsnet. You’ll get all the contrasting opinions. You just do you. No one can tell you what it will be like because everyone’s experience is different. If you are physically and mentally able and ready for a child that’s your business and no one else’s x

My friend said the older mum hype is coming to an end like the big brows.