Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

No one can ever know for sure though, can they? And even those that have parented A teen haven't parented ALL the teens, so OP can only base her decision on a weighing up of pros and cons.

I was basing my view of my mum's capabilities in her 60s as having been a teen (one of three) that she did parent in her 40s/50s. She was not meaningfully different in her 60s. It's something we have talked about a lot.

Iv got 2 dogs had since pups who I love dearly lol

Not really! Majority of grandparents are in their 50s or 60s at least

Too old. It’s selfish all about you and not the child.

I'm 50 and have seen quite a few of my old schoolmates become grandparents in their 40s. One was even a grandma in her 30s!
It's definitely more common to become a grandparent in your 50s or 60s but there are still plenty of grandparents in their 40s.

The majority on here who have parented either toddlers and – or teenagers would agree that with some exceptions, possibly your mum, it’s not a job for somebody in their 60s. Anyway, more to the point, the OP is going to do what she wants to do but it’s very unfair on her 14-year-old. She doesn’t appear to be acknowledging this in her posts and I’m slightly suspect about her tone.

Get therapy.

Babies are human beings, not objects to fill holes in damaged adults.

Also hilarious that you think a 14 year old is going to benefit in literally any way from you having a baby.

Speaking as a 44 year old currently working hard to persuade my 4 week old (2nd child) to breastfeed in under an hour whilst typing with the other hand I’d say 45 is not too old!

yes, it can be challenging but the benefits of being an older mum far outweigh the negatives. I have patience, resilience, self awareness, self confidence and an ability to be present in my 40s - which I did not have in my 20s - not to mention a strong career, financial stability, my own home etc. I’m by no means alone in my demographic of parents at the school gates for my eldest DC. Not one of us had a child in our 20s and we are all keen that our own children have their own lives and know themselves before becoming parents.

From personal observation, mostly of families from nursery and child groups, I’ve noticed a much higher rate of relationship breakdowns, children being treated as dolls/accessories, and an inability to cope by themselves in younger parents. Older parents tend to be a bit more realistic and know up front that they are solely responsible for baby and for keeping the cogs turning on general family life. It’s amazing how much housework can be achieved with 1 hand, wearing breast pumps and carrying a baby 😄

Good luck either way xx

I'm sure there are - I just don't know any in my immediate family and friends!

Too old I’d say.

All these anecdotes from women happily having their babies in their 40’s are completely missing the point.

It’s not about whether OP can have a baby and raise it, of course she is physically able to do that. The point most posters are making is that the OP needs to consider what the consequences to the child will be of having elderly parents when they themselves are young.

Too old for me personally but I had my first at 16 and the others early twenties. I wouldn't want a child post 30 personally. However my mother has my younger sibling at 42 and she's still going strong now with no health issues and he's an adult.
It really does depend on the person just be aware of the risks such as a higher chance of down syndrome

I am 50 and have an 8 year old
and it’s marvellous. She’s the best decision I ever made. I was desperate for a 3rd child.

I take care with my health and fitness. I manage my peri menopause with HRT, careful diet, regular exercise, zero alcohol.

My career took a hit. It was a worthwhile cost.

Well I most certainly wouldn't have wanted to have a baby at 16, nor for any of my children to become parents when they were still at school!

I wouldn't have been ready to have them in my early 20s either. I was too busy with uni and establishing a career.

I think every woman is aware of the risks involved as an older mum.

I lost two babies before having my youngest at 40. I don't know where I'd have drawn the line, so I have never been in the OP's situation.

I do think 45 is too old but surely not all elderly people end up needing care from their children?

Genuinely gobsmacked at this thread! What century are we in?! I had my first at 37 and during mat leave was the only mum in my baby group who was under 40! Times have changed now and people are generally more health conscious and living longer so no you won’t be the only “old” mum at the school gates.

also Me and plenty of my friends had younger parents who depended on us emotionally and financially since we were in our 20’s and it is still the same now in our 40s so we have been Caring for them for just an insanely long period of time….if anything for me it feels like a massive train just coming towards me as despite my mother being in good health the dependency is only getting worse and I am just waiting for the day when I will be doing more hands on care. This is after already spending 20 years worrying about her.

As long as you look after yourself and encourage your children to do their own thing when you are older then there’s nothing g wrong with what you’re doing.

at 41 I am planning to have another one as I’d rsther be an “elderly” mum than have my child be an only child. It depends on what is important to you. I also take care of myself and would consider myself a “young” 41 year old so not ready to write myself off just yet. So it’s all relative.

For many people having kids later keeps them young. Spending my 50s and 60s slowing down doesn’t really sound appealing to me.

respect those who have their kids younger too of course. Everyone is different.

Exactly this!

I am 35 and my DH is 55 and we have a 2 year old.
You're in between us both and I can just give a small bit of our own experience:
DD only has one set of living grandparents.
DD has no cousins of a similar age
Our village is quite small because on DHs side everyone is at a very different stage in life and his closest friends are hoping to become grandparents soon, but were visibly horrified for him that he was about to become a father at this stage in life! You could see the panic in his best friend's eyes at the thought of it 😂
I do a lot more of the hands on parenting because DH simply doesn't have the energy. Our DD was not a good sleeper and I would do 6 nights out of 7 because although I was knackered, I could keep up. DH really struggled with broken sleep.
Now she is two and a little spitfire, DH can play and engage but by Sunday night he is feeling it and his back is playing up from horsey-rides and lifting her up and down etc. and he is trying to get fitter, but I also catch him looking wistfully at younger dads running after bikes and playing football at the park. I think he knows that in another 5 - 6 years, that sort of activity might be a stretch for him.
But, the flip side is that he is immensely patient. He doesn't ever get snappy, or ask her to hurry up, and he will read story after story and he makes her feel special and cherished just like any dad should. Our DD thinks the world of him.
Be mindful and realistic about age and energy, but try not to be too fearful. If you can provide love and as much stability as any of us can predict having in this uncertain life, you shouldn't feel restrained unduly by age.

If you really want a baby, no logical argument is going to sway you. But 45 means 60 parenting teens and that’s just too old

Where abouts in the uk are you? I'm 40 and I've found I'm the oldest in my baby groups by at least 5 years. I'm in London and the groups I go to are in nice areas

Gosh me too! At 56 dh, and I will have paid our house off, and will be jetting off on holiday!
Both dcs will be in their 20s by then. I couldn't imagine having a young child at this age.

It means 50, peri menopause, with a 18 year old and a 4 year old. The older child will simply be neglected as OP will be too busy with the young child.

Yes but if you don't have children already, you've had your twenties and thirties and part of your forties as childfree adults enjoying holidays and fabulous times.

Yes, and both age groups have such different needs; that will be incredibly challenging to navigate. I would feel there would be a risk that the basic needs and demands of a 4 year old child would have to trump the mental/emotional needs of the teen. This could mean the teenager is neglected, they'll sort of end up like an aunt/uncle/babysitter to the younger one.

Exactly that, cannot comprehend a woman chosing to have a child at 16, instead of education.

She limits her options and choices at a young age.