Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

This. Nobody is fitter at 60 than they were at 20 (unless, as you say, there were very unusual circumstances). Otherwise these posters are delusional. Agreed too about men fathering kids at 45. They don't have to push another human out of their bodies or latch them onto their nipples, and that's just for starters.

Yes it is imo.

The risks of various disabilities do increase, as does the risk of miscarriage.

I’ve posted on similar threads before about my experience - born to older parents, became their carer in my early twenties, orphaned young, strained relationship with older sibling who was a teenager when I came along. It’s a topic I feel very strongly about because of my own history,

Bottom line, it’s your decision and from the tone of your responses I don’t think you want to be talked out of it. You say that you don’t expect the child to spend the best years of their life caring for you but who else is there other than your children that you would expect to do this? Asking one to take more responsibility for this than the other due to their ages is setting up problems in the sibling relationship that can be very damaging.

If you do go ahead my advice would be to sort your care plans out in advance. If you don’t want your child to have to care for you then put some mechanisms in place so they don’t have to.

not too bad. But she discovered sport in her 30s and became a top level competitive masters swimmer. So her 30s and 40s she was very fit and had followed a very good diet and lifestyle program, and felt way younger.
She swam until the day before her birth (induced but perfectly healthy) and was back in the pool 10 days later. Started competing again 5 months later. Obviously slower but still in good shape and mentally very sound.

Op yes you need to move on with your life. You need to grieve for the baby that will never be. Let go of that dream.

It almost sounds like your struggling with empty nest syndrome too, your teen becoming less needy in a childish way.

Focus on supporting your DC into exams and adulthood.
A new stepdad and a new baby, could be beyond unsettling for your teen.

Find a new partner and enjoy your time with them. You may also have stepchildren to consider. If you find a partner. Also many men wouldn't want to start again with babies in their mid 40s either.

It bothers me people saying "Oh 65 isnt old, my neighbour is 84 and fitter than me blah blah" its Uncle Norman syndrome.

Because no matter how much we dont like it, it IS a fact that as people age they are more likely to suffer illness and disability. That may be an uncomfortable fact, but it is a fact! No it wont happen to everyone but it is far more likely that a teenager will be in a situation with an ill, disabled or even dead parent who is in their 60's than one in their 30's or 40's. Yes it can and does happen to much younger people but it is far less likely.

I am 51 and very much aware of the effect aging is having on me, I have seen my own father go from fit healthy and working full time as a Director of an international company to profoundly deaf, almost blind with other issues as well, in 5 short years. Now he is virtually housebound. It happens.

We like to think that we will always be this young, this fit, this able but its simply not the case and to blindly go ahead and have a child without considering this basic truth would be selfish to say the least.

I saw a baby the other day whose grandad was born in 1991.

Yes I think it's way too old but it's up to you.

I’m 60.
Had my 4th at 45.
My best friend from Uni had her only child at 45 after long ivf journey.

We don’t feel old. My experience is that children have kept me physically active, and very involved in their education, engagement in community, music, events and we are all really close. I have no resentment about missing out on career or travel because I did all that before kids.

I’ve never once seriously thought …. I’m too old to be a good parent.

Grandparent age?! What on earth, it’s nowhere near the age most people would become grandparents, surely by at least a decade maybe two?

Someone born in 1991 is 34… I think we can all agree that’s either untrue or not exactly ideal.

I am 44 with no kids and would feel very able to do it for the first time, much more so than I would have been at a younger age as I am now much more emotionally secure, professionally successful and financial stable. I am not in a relationship so won't be doing it, but would support a friend who did. My mum is in her 70s and very active, fit and engaged with the world. She could easily have parented a teen in her 60s.

I know someone who became a grandmother at 31. She was 16 and then her DD 15.

But 40's is not at all unusual to be a grandparent. Perhaps it is beoming less common now but I would say up until about 20 years ago was the most common age to be a a grandparent.

Tune it all out OP and go with your own background and factors. One of the mums in my eldest's class primary was 45 when she had her only child. (I'm sure some of the other mums I know had babies around this age too, but don't advertise the fact!) She is one of the slimmest, fittest and most youthful of the mums. They are financially comfortable and live in a nice house though. Honestly, female fertility and menopause age is quite variable and life expectancy is very variable. For some women, menopause by 46 is normal. For some people a life expectancy of late 60's would be average for their family. This is why it gets tricky asking others for advice in this sort of situation! To be blunt, some people seem pretty old at 45-50!

Yes, I would say so.

I honestly don't know why some PPs think 40s is so shocking to be a grandparent. I don't understand how people are so ignorant of very recent history. Until the past couple of decades the average woman started having children in their early 20s if not earlier. Most of my peers in the working class area I grew up in had mothers who gave birth at 19/20.

2nd wave baby boomers were all born in mid-late 60s - because they were the daughters / sons of baby boomers born after WW2 in the mid-40s. And they (on average) went on to have children in the 80s/90s. This would make 45 year old grandparents fairly common.

My own baby boomer mother (a late starter at 28) was a grandmother by 51.

Just because our generation goes to the gym, has equal pay and facials doesn't mean we've somehow moved back the window of fertility.

Another thing to consider is if you are solo parenting, how do you meet the practical needs of both children- for example if the teen wants to go out, to a party or a sports competition or an open evening at school, needs picking up at 9 or 10, and the baby/toddler/primary school child is in bed asleep by 7? How do you go to parents evenings and options evenings for your elder child with a toddler, and expect to be able to concentrate enough to support the older one? One of them will be severely disadvantaged by the needs of the other.

Boys and girls these days 100% know how to get pregnant … and how not to get pregnant. So much birth control and free and accessible healthcare in the UK. No idea why so many young women want to be mothers so young. Baffling.

Absolutely this!! 👏👏

Your age isn’t the issue here.

You are wanting this for the wrong reasons.

Respectfully, you haven’t parented a teen so you don’t know that. And your mother’s situation is one situation it will not apply to everyone.

But 40's is not at all unusual to be a grandparent. Perhaps it is beoming less common now but I would say up until about 20 years ago was the most common age to be a a grandparent.

Where the hell do you live? How was 40s the most common age to be a grandparent only 20 years ago? 🤣😆🤣

Most of my peers in the working class area I grew up in had mothers who gave birth at 19/20.

But I think that's the point - young motherhood is strongly socially patterned. My child is in reception in a school in an area where the majority of parents are middle class, university educated - and most parents are not from the city originally (moved here for career). I'd estimate the vast majority of Reception mothers are in their 40s. I'm 45 and don't feel old or out of place at all. However I imagine if I travelled a couple of miles to a more deprived area, the mothers would be a lot younger on average and maybe I would feel out of place.

Healthy life expectancy and life expectancy are obviously both also socially patterned. In poorer areas in some cities in the UK, both are depressingly low. In wealthier areas, being fit and active well into your 70s isn't unusual.

.

I know very few women who became grannies in their 40s. Can't think of one off the top of my head!

What I find baffling is that you cannot comprehend other people making different life choices to you. Are you really that narrow minded?