Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

It's too old for me personally. I'm having my second at just 35 and we're worried he might have a chromosomal abnormality due to findings/a disgnosis. It's been hell and on our darkest days I have thought we shouldn't have pushed our luck and been selfish having another, although rationally I know many have babies much older than this! But I know an older mum than you (early fifties) but she used a donor egg around 50. It wouldn't be for me but everyone is different. She went through the same thinking as you and really felt a child was missing in her life.

I’m in total disagreement with many of you here! I had my third - planned - child at 44 and haven’t regretted that choice for a moment! I fell pregnant almost immediately and had a trouble free pregnancy and birth. I’m now an extremely youthful 60 year old with a 16 year old about to sit GCSEs. Not the ‘granny’ some of you speak of. That may be your idea of 60, but very far from my own reality (and many other ladies too). You simply cannot compare your own (possibly low) energy levels or life expectations or experiences with another woman’s. If you’re a healthy 40 something, have a secure, loving relationship and the means to support a child, then you can absolutely consider that lovely option! Why ever not? For me it has been the most incredible decision made with the full support of my husband and family.

I think it's a very individual thing, depending on your health, fertility and circumstances. Personally at 47 im perimenopausal and exhausted. I can't imagine putting my body through pregnancy again now or coping with the exhaustion that comes with those early years of motherhood.
But that's me. You might be fitter than me, have loads of energy and have the finances to make things a bit easier with childcare etc.

She has friends that she sees on weekends but that’s just her social circle, it’s not her support system. On a day to day basis I’m who she turns to for everything. If she needs to go anywhere I have to go with her as she doesn’t like driving distances on her own, if anything needs doing around the house it’s me who goes and helps her, if she has any Admin work that needs doing, its me that does it as she’s awful with computers etc etc. She’s my mum, so I don’t mind doing these type of things for her because I don’t want her to struggle, or miss out etc, but it’s just another weight on my shoulders as well as looking after my own children and living my life. I know helping parents is quite a normal part of life, my point is just that if I had to have this kind of role in my 20’s I probably would have been quite stressed by it or resentful.

I know that it may not be the case with OP, and she may be running marathons well into her 80’s and her hypothetical child may not have to worry about doing any kind of caring at all, but realistically speaking, the opposite is more likely to be the case.

Some sixty-somethings do carry on fit and well. Others are less lucky- I know a couple who were hiking and campervanning at 64, by 70 they had both died. It’s not something to just be hand-waved away when considering this particular question.

Not necessarily. Plenty of people (especially men) have kids at 45 or older. And some people have a happy upbringing with their grandparents.

But there are obvs greater risks of certain conditions, such as Down’s Syndrome, when one or both parents are older. Though there are tests.

And there are variables that should be weighed up:

• The parent’s overall health and fitness.
• Their outlook on life - how young they are at heart.
• Genetic indicators they may not live or stay healthy as long, e.g. if both their parents died in their 50s or 60s.
• The financial security of the parent and the scope for support from extended family or close friends, as there’s of course a greater likelihood an older parent will become unwell or die while their child may not yet be fully financially or emotionally independent.

Age is relative. Some fit and healthy people become disabled, seriously unwell or die in their 30s or 40s. Some people are still really fit and healthy, with plenty of energy and enthusiasm for life, in their 80s and early 90s.

I had my youngest in early 40s. Easy pregnancy and home birth. Plenty of energy. Their grandmother still relatively young and supportive, as she had me in her early 20s.

Don't kid yourself. 60 is not the new 30! I'm 58 and feel every bit of it - I'm exhausted!

Yes, but fuck it. I regret not trying for a second child at 42 (now 50). A relative is pregnant with her first at 45 (fingers crossed).

Having a child when you're older isn't ideal. But loads of people have kids have under less than ideal circumstances, like poverty, addiction, unsuited temperament (cough!).

Just be prepared for the exhaustion - seriously make sure you have a support system.

Good luck...I am sure you will make a great parent.

I'm pretty sure that 60 is way too old to have a 15 year old!

It really isn't! 60-year-olds are not over the hill. I had DD at 41, which isn't so very different and it was all fine when she was 15.

Yes. How you feel in your 40s about your child caring for you when you’re fit and forty can be quite different to how you would feel in your 70s/80s and vulnerable and the only alternative is being cared for by strangers.

So many people in denial about the 40s being grandparent ages.

If someone has a baby in their early 20s, then that child has their own baby in their 20s, then the grandparent will be in their 40s. Totally normal.

Yes, i think it is op, sorry.

45 isn't old but you might feel very differently physically at 50 or 55.

I had mine in my mid and late 30s. Dealing with a pre teen and a teen in my late 40s is a struggle. I'm now a single parent and we all have our issues between us. It's a lot. I couldn't fathom being a decade older than I am now at this stage of my life. I'm exhausted.

I am 46. I know I couldn’t cope with the sleepless nights now. I know I would feel very self conscious being a primary school mum when I am in my fifties. I am much more financially secure now and I could buy in help - but I know I wouldn’t be as patient now as I would have been in my twenties. I also wouldn’t enjoy being much older than the other mums and all my friends children are so much older (a few in primary but the rest in secondary and about to head to university!).

but that me. Only you know how you would cope being mother to a five year old in your early fifties. It could be wonderful!

Yes, sorry but I definitely think it's too old.

I'm not in denial, it's just a meaningless thing to say. My GM was 41 when I was born, so yes, that's a grandparent's age in this case. I was 45 when my DS was born, so that's a parent's age in this case. Both "totally normal".

Not everyone in their 60s is "exhausted ". I am far less so than I was 10 years ago, for various reasons, including having more agency over my life. Such a generalisation.

Yep, I’m late 50s with a mid teen kid. I don’t have any less energy than I did in late 30s. We sometimes play in a 5-aside match together with mates. We have some of the same taste in music and films.

But some people in late 50s or early 60s do have a lot less energy and feel quite old. That’s not out of the ordinary. So it depends.

I had my one and only child at 44 - unexpectedly as a lone parent. I have never been more happy and fulfilled, although tired, balancing my working life with a healthy four year old. If you are healthy and fit, go for it!

How rude.

Yes sorry I think it's incredibly selfish but really depends on your whole current family/life dynamic TBH

Age 45 means no sibling and I think that's also delish denying them even the chance of having a wider family that sustains them into adulthood

66- 71 this made me laugh. My running club with people in their 60s are fitter than many half their age,granted they have looked after themselves with no health issues. You can't tar everyone past 50 with the same brush

I had my one and only at your age and it's been absolutely fine, but it does depend on your health and outlook on life.

It's been much easier (in retrospective) in that apart from the first couple of years I've been doing it solo. IME men mature earlier and age faster than women, so a partner your own age might find it very difficult to adjust to putting someone else first and find the teenage years particularly trying as they approach the end of their working lives.

Your other child would not benefit in any way.

Please don’t drag them into this as this is solely about you and what you want.

I don’t think the age is too old, although I think having a 60yo mum whilst you’re still at school is a little unfair and I couldn’t imagine never being able to work or have hobbies without worrying about childcare etc.

If you’d accidentally fell pregnant then it would be different but I think you are wanting a baby for the wrong reasons and so for that reason I think YABU to even consider it.

You are likely feeling lost because you have no sense of self because you have no relationship, you’re approaching middle age your other child is starting to need you less.

This is like the sports car equivalent to a man’s midlife crisis lol.

Gently, your eldest has had a shit childhood and instead of trying to start again and doing it right this time around, then you should be focusing on making the rest of their childhood good and focusing on making yourself happy without the need for another person (partner or baby).

I’ve got a colleague having a baby soon at 45. She’s single and used a sperm donor and her own frozen eggs.

I actually think it’s pretty selfish as the child will not know their father, will not have siblings, and is likely to lose their mother at a younger age than their peers. I can totally understand the urge and desire to have kids but wanting something doesn’t mean you should have it.

Yes it's to old and it's selfish.